Monday, May 24, 2004
Yesterday, I was driving back from Taylor (for the last official time as a student) and as usual, I started to speed as soon as I got on I-69. I really need to stop this...even though before, it's never bothered me that much. My only thought is "how fast can I go without pulling over" and as I thought this yesterday, I thought what a horrible philosophy this is when it's carried over into other areas of my life. It's kind of like your friend asking you not to do something, and then you waiting until they walk out the room to do it. I guess it's related to one's character, (which for me, it feels like it's one of the lousiest parts about me) but I hate thinking that this is just another character flaw of mine. I want to have a stronger character but it seems like after experiencing a month or two or three of smooth character-sailing, I fall hard and the "strong streak" is history. I guess this goes along with why I'm so bad at confrontation...I'm afraid of bringing the good and the bad together, and would rather have people think of me as good than trying to tell them why my heart is so against them. I wonder what it would look like if people started to confess their thoughts toward others all the time. Would it really be good or would it just be emotionally draining for people all day long. I confront someone and for 2 months, I probably won't confront someone again. I let things build up quietly and wait until things get so uncomfortably bad that there's no way to live normally without saying something. This is not good, I realize, but it's what I do. I'm not proud of it. I'd like to be the kind of person who always calls things out as soon as they come along and turn bad inside of me, and immediatly point them out to others without getting too angry or too personal. But most of the time, I don't. Maybe I overanalyze too much. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like it's impossible to overanalyze though....like how Brennan Manning says you can never overestimate the value or worth of a human being---it's impossible. People fear encouraging others frequently b/c they don't want them to think too highly of themselves, when in reality, that's their problem if they do. I need to go unpack though. I don't think these thoughts are going anywhere anytime soon so I'll stop for now and come back another time.