Monday, May 03, 2004

habitual sinner.

Last spring in L.A. there was a few verses that sort of carried me through the semester. i remember one of them (that not so much carried me through but more or less continued to make me question where I was at personally with God) from I John 3. It says:

"No one who lives in him [Christ] keeps on sinning. No one who continues to sin has either seen him or known him."

This verse scares me sometimes. I remember my dad talking to me one time a few years ago about people who sin and don't even see it as sin anymore. He said when this happens, something is seriously wrong with that person's walk with Christ and he'd question whether or not they even knew him. At first, I remember feeling a little angry at my dad's comment. "That doesn't make us lose our knowledge of Christ!" I thought. But now, I think I understand a little better what he meant. I wonder sometimes how much I know Christ. There are moments, that come in every now and then where this unexplainable hope comes to me and I feel a rush of peace. I felt like this last summer when I finished reading "blue like jazz" and at thanksgiving this past year when my siblings and I (and dad) were riding in the car on the way home from this horrible movie ('the haunted mansion'---okay, it wasn't horrible--just not that great) and we experienced this total-awe-like connectedness that I've rarely felt. I didn't question whether or not it was from God. I just assumed it. It seems like everyone has these times where they just know that they know that what has happened to them was so beyond their self, it had to be from God. Is this knowing God? Lately, there's a few things in my life I feel like I do...almost without even thinking and immediately, I think..'that was sin--why did I do that?' It's not a good feeling when this something seems to be woven into your response to others. It's in there deep and I feel like it won't come out.

I continue to sin...but I don't want to. Does this mean I've never seen him or known him? I don't know. It feels like a lot of times, everybody's dealing with at least one thing big in their life, and they don't tell anybody. Everybody (including myself) let it sit inside, and rot, until it's almost unrecognizable and it's gotten so used to being there (when we look at ourselves at least) that it seems impossible to throw it out. I read this book last summer that talked about sin and said the most severe kinds of sin (not levels like "this one's worse," but just more capable of ruining a person's heart) are ones found within the heart. The ones that never get you thrown out of college or suspended or reprimanded even. Jealousy. Envy. Lust. Pride. That feeling you get when someone you don't like succeeds and all you had wished for was them to not...those kind. I don't know why I feel this things inside and why they keep coming (sometimes against people I love and know well). Sorry for bringing all this up, but I'm listening to Gavin Friday (his instrumental work) and it's sort of helping to bring this all out. I guess it's good to get it out in the open. It just sucks that this is a blog and not a real conversation. I need to be better I getting this stuff out there and asking for forgiveness. A good friend ("Grace") recently sent me an email reminding me of this very thing and I haven't stopped thinking of it all week. I'm sure I'll write more on this later, so have a good Sunday night. And oh! Tara! I'm sorry we didn't get to talk tonight. I totally forgot. Forgive me? Night.

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