Thursday, May 06, 2004

extroverts and introverts...etc.

My good friend Liz Boltz who I respect a great deal said something to me once that came up in my thoughts while I sat in chapel this morning. "I think a lot of extroverts are at heart, just really frightened introverts really." (this is paraphrased...not verbatim---she said it so much cooler) Anyway, I was thinking about this again today and how much this past year I'm realizing that perhaps, while I am an extrovert, I'm not the best at communicating via the spoken word what's really going on inside of me. When I try to, I get stuck and it sounds like the most pathetic, ridiculous thing in the world...and on top of that, doesn't make sense. "What do you mean?" I often get asked, after trying to unload my thoughts and self to someone via words. Part of me wants to say, "Give me a pen....I'll just write it down and then you'll understand me so much more." But then I think that's just a way of running away from my extroverted self, so I slap my face in hopes of thinking a little more clearly. I'm trying to be better at saying meaningful things to people face to face, but it's hard (sidenote...."Iss' know, wit' de'conomy and all....yeaah...iss' haud!".....from the movie "SPELLBOUND"). Okay, but yeah, I'm just not so good at that. I'm constantly thinking of how much I appreciate people in my life and I want to tell them face to face but don't know how. It never seems to do them justice...meaning, I think so highly that my battered words come out more like a pat on the back then stellar compliment on their character.

Of course though, there are times when nothing but negatives stream into my head, like today in chapel. At one point, I felt this ultra-cynical-negative feeling come to me regarding what one of the senior students had just said and immediatly, I knew my friend next to me was probably thinking the same thing. So I did something a lot of us do...I magically transformed my own conviction-problem into my friend's...shaking my head and even nudging him saying, "Don't think that..." to which he responded, "I'm sorry I can't help it." Part of me was doing it to keep myself in check, but most other times, it's just transferring the blame I suppose.

I once read a book 2 years ago in which the author claimed that every time you were convicted for someone else (like for example, in hear the message/sermon...glance at a friend or parent or loved one and immediately think, "I sure hope theyare listening to's exactly what they need to hear and fix in their life...") it's usually a problem that's still not being dealt within yourself. That's annoying for me to hear and say and write b/c I rarely deal with the problem myself. I love talking to others about ways to try and fix problems, but rarely do I actually put some effort in and try and fix it. Oh well. That's enough unloading for now. I should probably be doing the homework I have. Night.

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