Loving movies is easy. Loving music is easy. Loving food is easy. But loving people is hard. I think it's because there's that huge chance they won't love you back. But we'll see.
Wednesday, May 12, 2004
crying in L.A. and in Room 410
Every now and then, when I'm alone and quiet and still, I find myself in shame. Usually, it ends there, and I try to reverse my thoughts into thinking something else, but occasionally, I just start crying and feel helpless, hopeless, and useless...all at the same time. It usually only lasts for a few minutes but this morning, I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep partially because I kept thinking of sin in me and was frustrated again that I've failed yet again to overcome it. Another day, another tally...it just gets a little sickening sometimes. In L.A., I remember some moments when I reached this point but there, I felt like there was hope afterwards...like my shameful tears weren't in vain or something. It sounds ridiculous, I realize that but it's how it comes with me. This morning, hope did not come afterward. I only felt sicker and more upset with myself, and honestly, just wanted to go back to sleep. It's annoying b/c people will ask me later (like they did today) what's wrong and I'll tell them nothing...even though we both know that's not true. But to be honest, I don't want to say I'm not doing good b/c I just don't want to talk about it to everyone under the sun. Does that make sense? I think there are some things (few probably) that need to be dealt with first between me and me, within me and me, so I know that God is "behind me" or something. It's weird. I think I feel like I have to make it right with Him or at least just totally spill everything in front of myself and my own thoughts before I can even attempt to verbalize them to others. I guess I just need some time to sort through things. This morning wasn't the best morning ever, but I think it was very much needed for me. I guess I shouldn't try to rush my thoughts and feelings out...perhaps they should sit and stand for a few days to let me see what's really there. Sorry for the complaining and venting and unloading...it's probably way more for me but I needed it nonetheless.