Wednesday, May 12, 2004
crying in L.A. and in Room 410
Every now and then, when I'm alone and quiet and still, I find myself in shame. Usually, it ends there, and I try to reverse my thoughts into thinking something else, but occasionally, I just start crying and feel helpless, hopeless, and useless...all at the same time. It usually only lasts for a few minutes but this morning, I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep partially because I kept thinking of sin in me and was frustrated again that I've failed yet again to overcome it. Another day, another tally...it just gets a little sickening sometimes. In L.A., I remember some moments when I reached this point but there, I felt like there was hope afterwards...like my shameful tears weren't in vain or something. It sounds ridiculous, I realize that but it's how it comes with me. This morning, hope did not come afterward. I only felt sicker and more upset with myself, and honestly, just wanted to go back to sleep. It's annoying b/c people will ask me later (like they did today) what's wrong and I'll tell them nothing...even though we both know that's not true. But to be honest, I don't want to say I'm not doing good b/c I just don't want to talk about it to everyone under the sun. Does that make sense? I think there are some things (few probably) that need to be dealt with first between me and me, within me and me, so I know that God is "behind me" or something. It's weird. I think I feel like I have to make it right with Him or at least just totally spill everything in front of myself and my own thoughts before I can even attempt to verbalize them to others. I guess I just need some time to sort through things. This morning wasn't the best morning ever, but I think it was very much needed for me. I guess I shouldn't try to rush my thoughts and feelings out...perhaps they should sit and stand for a few days to let me see what's really there. Sorry for the complaining and venting and unloading...it's probably way more for me but I needed it nonetheless.