Friday, July 30, 2004

dream or nightmare?--take your pick.

two nights ago, i woke up at 4:00 a.m. after having one of those horribly long-night sleeps where a scene has been dragged out so long inside your head, that it inevitably turns into a nightmare. it stayed with me all yesterday and i couldn't stop thinking about it. i hate this about dreams...or nightmares rather. dreams you seem to only remember for a short while, while nightmare details are somehow etched into the brain or something. it was a dream where friends and family of mine got into a horrible car accident (i have this dream quite often--although, the person who's in the accident changes periodically) and i sat in the hospital, waiting to see each one of them in the ICU (intensive care unit). i paced the hall, picked up the phone, stared into the lounge pop machine while nurses and doctors repeatedly came in and out reminding me that my friends we're still waiting and ready to be seen. i didn't want to go in there though, so i waited longer until my sister blakeley came out (she was the one family member in the accident---riding with four of my friends?? it doesn't make sense to me but oh well...i'm just remembering it) and was crying her eyes out. she felt bad that she was the only one okay and commented on how horrible all of my friends looked. i imagined them all bandaged up, bleeding, unconscious, in comas...or something worse and decided again, to wait and pass the time by avoiding the visual confrontation between my friends and I. i woke up then, and lay in bed, unnervingly afraid to close my eyes and return to sleeping. i don't want to go back to that and i know if i close my eyes i would. so i lay awake and consider the possibility of calling home to see how they all are doing (the whole "dream thing" still hasn't sunk in yet). but i don't, and so, i lay there, staring up at the shell-like fan twirling above my head.

i don't know what to make of dreams like these. i know they do the obvious of temporarily reminding me of what's really important in my life but i think that cliche response unfortunately makes it hard for me to consider things of this nature longer than a day or so. it seems like when something like this really happens, you stop your life and everything that serves you or your self is cut off. somehow--from then on--normal temptations that come your way are easier to overcome b/c you now see a bit more clearly. your priorities fall into place and the meaningless and the nothingness things in life are quickly refocused and put into perspective. usually, there's people left and obviously some regrets but not much else. then time passes by and you slowly fall into the routine of material living again and everything is just fine. i love what God has blessed me with, don't get me wrong. i'm just still trying to figure out when i'm abusing the things he's blessed me with and when i'm not. it all seems to come back to the self and whether or not you have you as number one in your life or if you don't. most of the time, i do and i think many people are with me on this one. maybe that's why it's so hard for so many self-servers to confront each other on something everbody is doing and guilty of simultaneously. i don't know how to confront selfishness in others. i tried to do it this week with my sister and it blew up in my face (sort of) and i felt guilty for saying the things i did and making her feel less of a person than she really is. we both cried and hugged and mended the harsh words for the moment, but again and again i thought about it and wondered if what i did was justifiably right or just plain selfish and wrong or purely serving my own pride. i guess i can sleep on this some more. sorry for the ramblings...hope this hasn't been too morbid--but i guess it's okay every once in awhile to be morbid...as long as it's not every day, all the time, right?

1 comment:

chakajo said...

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