well, tomorrow is my annual trip to cedar point (a.k.a., "utopia") so i hope my attitude or consciousness gets back to me as soon as possible. i hate going to amusement parks when i'm in a bad mood.
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
okay, i realize i'm an extrovert but every day i'm more and more aware of the fact that i need space and down time and alone time and time away from anyone and everything. i think most of my friends/family think that i can't live or survive if i'm not surrounded by people all the time and that's partly true. however, when i don't get away or go somewhere by myself for a few hours a day---whether it's working at borgess by myself for part of the day or simply resorting to my room and crawling up next to a thin, little book---i get cranky and it doesn't take much to set my inside ablaze. try kidding with me during one of these moods and i'll probably ignore you and not speak to you for several hours b/c i take what you said personally rather than as a joke. i suppose sometimes it hurts or doesn't help when i perceive some people or friends i hang out with or talk to often to be constantly joking with me...or always "putting me down" in a kidding sort of way. i suppose i do it too, but i don't want to really and i definitely don't want to go as far as being sarcastic and cynical to the point of making others hurt on the inside. alas, this is my monday predicament and i'm trying extremely hard to remain calm and roll with the hazy punches. i know there is rarely ever one person to blame in a friendship where one is constantly pissed off at the other or vice versa, or when both are ticked and refuse to talk...but a little part of me still likes to believe that i'm the last one to be wrong and am always the more sensible, logical, honest, compassionate one in any friend-relationship. i know that's not true, but that's what comes to me and i'm trying to step back whenever i think this and go, "wait a second--what is the possibility that i could be totally wrong and that it's my attitude that needs changing more than anything else?" i don't like my answer to this question, but it's one i know i need to keep asking.