Wednesday, September 08, 2004

on the way to l.a.

i'm a little over the halfway point and already i'm feeling weird. i started out yesterday officially from Taylor and after some car trouble and 19+ hours of being in the car alone, i arrived in colorado springs. i've never been here before and since today is kind of an in-between relax/refuel from yesterday's drive, i think i might go out and explore a bit. i saw pike's peak for the first time ever earlier this morning and it was beautiful to say the least. i'm staying with joe and cheryl (taylor grads now married) and they live in one of the beautiful subdivision/neighborhoods here. in some ways, here reminds me of san francisco where the layered land and houses built so close together make the city look like a packed out rummage sale of houses that look similar to one another.

seeing taylor was good, although didn't feel quite the same. when i arrived i immediatly felt out of place. my mood fluxuated throughout the weekend from melancholy to happy and from sad to anxious, and all the while i kept thinking about how fast my time there went. i wish i could've been with people more (throughout my 4 taylor years), especially those who i got to know better senior year. like the feeling i had when i went to l.a., i think i was a little bit upset with God for giving me such wonderful friendships and blessing me with new ones in the last few months b/c he knew and I knew that i would've have to leave them. but maybe in the coming years, wherever work will end up taking me, i'll be near friends and everything might be the same. i wonder how much time is spent on being lonely or feeling depressed after experiences with people and friends. i know they're worth the pain that eventually comes after break-ups like graduating from college, but i wonder how much this hurts our new part of life when we start it without them. i know it sounds like i'm being a bit hopeless and complaining too much but this is where i am now. we all need to be loved and feel loved, yet, contrary to some church teaching, i don't think just saying that "God loves me and that's enough," really does it. call me a heretic, but i/m finding it hard to understand how people can think or know or feel God's love and say that is enough when they've never been loved by anyone else (friends, family, etc.). this is probably coming off different than i want it to, so i'll just stop now. i'll talk to you again once in L.A.

1 comment:

Lij said...

I was very glad to see you this weekend. I hope you feel settled in LA quickly.