mr. personality

i took the DISC profile personality test today--for the second time this summer--and once again, was reminded of the many weaknesses i'm currently facing as 22-year-old male in society today. according to the book, i am guilty of all of the following (and a few more i'm forgetting):

WEAKNESSES: talks too much, oversells, doesn't follow through, verbally manipulative, misjudges capabilities, rarely finishes things tasks started, overcommits, etc.

now, maybe it's just me, but when i read this and i am me, i get a little frustrated. sure i can look at the STRENGTHS section and see what characteristics i may have dead on, but it was this section alone (WEAKNESSES) that i found myself connecting with more personally. in the strengths' pool of characteristics, only a couple of the 8 really stood out to me. maybe that means i'm not as optimistic as the test would lead me to think i am (it had "optimistic" under one of my supposed strengths) but then again, maybe i am. it's all very confusing and sometimes, although i love talking about this kind of stuff with people, i get a little heavy-headed after all this personality talk stuff. yes, i need to talk less and listen more. yes, i need to slow down and be me rather than always being on the go. yes, i need a whole lot of work. it just seems a little overwelming and foolish to take on so much all at once, knowing that in 2 weeks from now i'll probably forget how many of these weaknesses i posess and quit thinking about them all together. perhaps it's part of society's information overload problem and i'm just jumping on for the over-indulgent ride to hell and back. i don't have a clue. all i know is, i talk too much and don't listen enough. this alone trying to deal with will keep me busy till' at least...october. but then again, i probably will still be struggling with it then too. i give up--at least for tonight anyways. goodnight all.

i shouldn't, but i'm going to.

i had second thoughts about posting this but what the hey, i don't care really and i doubt my dad does either. last night, my brother destry (who goes to a christian school) got an assigment from his new, young, christian history teacher that involved interviewing a parent and finding all sorts of spiritual stats on their life. so as my dad and i sat in the den, waiting to watch a movie together, destry sat at the computer ready to ask questions.

"When did you become a Christian?" My dad answered promptly. "When I was four."...and so on; the usual questions you know. Then, one came that took my brother aback. "What did you struggle with most in high school?" My dad thought for two seconds and then answered. "Masturbation." He looked at me, i looked at destry, destry was gasping and laughing and i looked back at my dad smiling. After this, we got to talking about how the church has really been in denial on this issue for so long and it was good to hear my dad get a little frustrated about thinking how back when he grew up, it was unheard of to even mention such a thing. he thought he was abnormal and terrible and remembers feeling so ashamed at times for struggling like he did. He also told my brother he struggled with insecurity and the follow-up question to that provided an even more interesting discussion. "How did you overcome these struggles?" Destry asked my dad. (Here, my dad and I exchanged glances, and I knew he was thinking what i was thinking---christians must overcome everything otherwise we don't like to talk about it b/c we look weak and vulnerable and just like the rest of the world)

As we sat there, my dad and i mainly talking about such things and talking about how this new young teacher will probably read over many standard, reprocessed "parentalized" responses, i got a little upset with myself and christians in general. I vowed that there wouldn't be more than 2 other parents (dads) that would say what my father said but that would probably be a struggle for the majority of teenage guys in the world. sad? yes. true? i think so. however, maybe our generation will be different. i hope we have the integrity and character to not live in denial while raising our kids and not pretend that we did everything right growing up either. i just hope we can be vulnerable and honest and open and merciful toward them. that's what's been missing for so long in the "christian family."

worship in america.

i was in chicago last saturday for the day, and while in Niketown (the ultimate Nike store where anybody who's anybody playing sports, visits) i saw a huge glass hanging piece on the wall with what looked like the store's mission statement (and the company possibly) etched and engraved into the glass. so many thoughts and good things (and bad things) came to mind after reading it with my jaw cracked open, i had to write it down. it really is fascinating.

"In Europe, they say you can tell which city you are in by looking at the church spires. Here in America, it is much the same; visitors need only look to our stadiums--our cathedrals of sport--to orient themselves.

This is nowhere more true than in Chicago, where these venerable structures stand not only as landmarks, but as stone and steel testimonials to the power of sport. Like those churches of Europe, each posesses its own recognizable characteristic. And like those churches, each is a place of worship.

Niketown Chicago is dedicated to the same spirit of reverence that built those edifices, and which moves us to gather together to watch full-grown adults at play."

:)

somethin' about my gen-eration.

after listening for hours to friends and hearing Taylorites struggle and battle with things back at home and seeing so many families (including my own on occasion) who seem to be just not functioning properly, i've come to this conclusion about my generation: we have no concept of the word 'honor.' we don't know what it means, really and we don't know how to live it, honestly. for me, whenever i hear the word honor, i think of one of two things: shakespeare (b/c he seemed to write a lot about it) or that bible verse i'm sure is found in proverbs that tells children to 'honor thy father and thy mother.' this has been my current upbringing and education to date on the subject of honor. i've rarely heard it preached on in churches, or addressed when christians get together and try and solve the world in one night. why though? why is this little word rarely uttered or discussed? when was the last time you said, 'joe really honors his dad, doesn't he?' it seems almost foreign or foolish to even think of such a question. yet, i think it's probably one of our generations biggest flaws and its something we didn't fail at alone. it's connected to our parents and their parents and their uncles and etc., so i'm not blaming us as one, big, stupid entity of a generation. i love my generation even when i look like i hate it. i just have been thinking about this thing (among some) this past summer and it seems like i keep revisiting this idea and what it means when we say that our generation doesn't know how to honor their elders or authorities or anyone in power above them? the only slight hint of it seems to be in dating relationships or newlywed marriages and for this, i'm grateful. yet, i can't help but think that we are missing something big. that perhaps maybe, just maybe, God spoke that verse about honor and that he meant for us to obey it. is this part of the reason for our being such a spoiled, bratty generation? i'm not sure.

i admire the way we (as a generation) seem to question everything and why we do what we do and with what intentions we do the things we do. but it seems we take it too far when very little respect is given to people 50 years older than us, or in how we treat our parents on occasion or how we simply relate to friends...especially behind their backs. it seems to all come back to honor, in one sense or another and for this reason, i'm rambling on and on and on. i don't know where we go from here though. i have no real point in writing this except to get some thoughts out in the open to people who i rarely talk with in person. it's just one of those nights where i feel very passionate about this problem i think i have and most people from my generation and feel the need to see if maybe i'm just crazy or something. i don't know. i hate ends to blog posts.

pieces of april.

okay, i'm sorry the last three posts have been about movies but here it goes. "Pieces of April" is a great movie. if you missed it (like 99% of the world did) you'd do yourself a favor and go pick it up ag b-buster. i just watched it again with my sister and a friend and forgot how good it was. i ended up watching the quick making of too, which made me love the movie even more. the director is the kind of person you'd imagine him to be---really intentional about wanting his movie to make a difference with people. plus, this time around watching it, the songs of stephin merritt linger inside of me and so, i think i want to buy the soundtrack. i shouldn't, and i know i shouldn't but if i can find it for cheap, i'm going to. i'm sorry, what can i say? i'm a sucker for a great movie and a great movie with a great score/soundtrack (i.e. also see Gavin Friday's music in "In America"). if you see 'pieces of april' and don't like it, i'm sorry. i'll gladly write you a check for the difference or amount you wasted, etc. happy friday. it's been a very long week and i'm so glad it's over.

neville & napolean finally meet.

well, it's been a long summer and after hearing friends talk about the movie "napolean dynamite" so much it made me almost sick (notice, i said almost--friends) and last night i finally saw it. it was hilarious and weird and overrated (and yet, at the same time, very underrated---i think that was the point though). it was one of those movies that is very funny in certain parts while watching it, and then after it sets in for awhile, pretty much about every part that you didn't laugh at while you were watching it, you think back, recall the scene and laugh at it now. if i were still writing for 'the echo,' i'd go out on a limb and say that 'napolean dynamite' would make by top ten list of 2004. perhaps it was funnier to me b/c napolean reminded me very very much of my younger brother and his antics and colorfulness, but i think most people would find at least some of it funny--even if they think there's no point to the movie. thank you chalupa and liz and andy long and everyone else who told me to run and see it. i've been blessed for the last 18 hours recalling many many scenes and laughing quietly by myself.

scenes from 'the good girl.'

I just watched a little bit of "THE GOOD GIRL," last night and I forgot about a few parts in it---two in particular that i was laughing very hard at. I don't recall it being this funny the first time i saw it, but watching it again, I was loving both of these scenes. Here's a set up. Jennifer Anistor ('Friends') plays Justine, who works at this texas-hickville small-town grocery store and hates her life. She's leaving after a day at work and is stopped by this security guard who's a giddy, bible-belt christian. The scene begins:

Security Guard: "Hey Justine, can I talk to you for a second?"

Justine: "Yeah."

Security Guard: "I was just curious, have you ever been to a Bible study?"

Justine: "....yeah."

Security Guard: "Yeah, well we gotta good one going on every Wednesday at the First Church of Nazarene. Rodney comes, Benita comes. You got any interest in reading the Bible?"

Justine: "I have my own...you know---beliefs."

Security Guard: "Well we don't speak fire and brimestone. 'Ten commandments', gotta live by those. Other than the usual ways, we're not interested in scaring people....we're about loving Jesus." (big smile)

Justine: "...Yeah, i kinda like my nights to myself."

Security Guard: "Well maybe you'll have night after night of eternal hellfire all to yourself. (serious stare) Just kidding (laughs and smiles)---drive safe."

...AND HERE IS THE SECOND SCENE THAT HAD ME CRACKING UP (picture the grocery star and Justine approaching a new young employee played by Jake Gyllenhal who's a cashier at the store:

Justine: "Watcha readin'?"

Holden: "Catcher in the Rye....I'm named after it."

Justine: "What'schyour name? Catcher?"

Holden: "Holden. After Holden Caufield. He's the main character."

I don't really recommend the movie to most people b/c most people would probably hate it, but i must thank Liz Boltz for urging me to see it. I'm glad I did this time around even if I wasn't happy about seeing it the first time. Then again, I hadn't read "Catcher in the Rye" prior to seeing it the first time. I guess if you like that book, you'll probably like this movie. Good day all.

changing your birthday whenever you feel like it.

i just was on amazon.com, under my personal, account page and i saw a rather odd link that read: "CHANGE YOUR BIRTHDAY." now, correct me if i'm wrong but wouldn't it seem a bit shady for someone to go through with that link? I mean, is that a cheap ploy (coy?) to get people and catch those hackers trying to assume other peoples' identities? "Oh that's right, my birthday isn't July 14, 1982, it's actually January 3, 1969....how could I forget?" there's something fishy going on here, and i don't like it one bit. i'm stupid about things like this, so maybe there's a good reason for this link...i just laughed, shook my head and couldn't believe it when i read it. oh well. i'm sure it's probably just me. (but really...since when has anyone had the freedom to just up-and-change their own birthday????)

the most expensive blog post to date.

whenever i come here with a story or two, there are times when those stories have costed me something. usually, if the story revolves around seeing a movie, it's only a few dollars. sometimes, the story is from my day at work and then, the hospital is the one inadvertently paying the bill. however, this post would not have been possible if last sunday late night, i hadn't been speeding well above the posted speed limit in up-state Wisconsin, on my way to Blom's cabin to stay there for a few days with disko, and drew and blom. at close to 1:00 a.m., and after 9 hours of driving (it was supposed to be only 8---and i still had a good hour left) i realized there was one other soul on highway 51 northbound--he just didn't turn on his lights until after i passed him going 90+mph. after not seeing a car for a good 10 minutes, this surprised me. then, i realized the speed limit had just dropped from 65 to 55. after that, i knew i was in trouble.

ten minutes later, after few words spoken...the usual, "did you know i pulled you over for speeding?" ---i nodded, giving consent and a "i'm sorry" look on my face. the cop then flashes his light in the backseat where a huge, black, Hefty-style bag sat stuffed full. "what's in the bag," he asked me. I looked and said it was my blanket, pillow and fan. looking back, i should've said something else. perhaps something like, "oh that's my sleeping bag and three heads--one body." maybe that would've made the $336 price of the ticket go down smoother or settle a bit easier. at least then, i would've had a good laugh out of it!

but alas, i said nothing of the sort and was polite and apologetic as could be. i regretted it at first, but then i realized how it was totally my fault. i kept asking and kicking up in the air how mad i was that this cop caught "me" when so many other blood-thirsty Wisconsin-highway speeders were loose and on the prowl at 1:00 in the morning. and every time i thought this (and still am thinking of it) i slowly correct my thoughts and remind me of me and what me did to deserve this paycheck-stealing fine. when i arrived back home this evening after a week of thinking long and hard about the whole thing, i found a check from the hospital waiting for me. sadly, it was about $75 short of the fine i now owe and then, the urge and feeling come and i get frustrated again. but thankfully i keep reminding myself that it is only money, that it was my fault to begin with and that i wasn't merely a sad victim torn in the middle of God's divine intervention at work. i was just a 22 year old speeding, thinking he was the only person in the world and that he was at the center of the universe--untouched, unphased by anyone and anything around him who got caught. caught for the first time speeding. no. i'm sure that was the thousandth time or so. but why does it make me so mad that this was the one to get me?

'friday driving,' starring neville kiser

i have this thing i always catch myself doing when i'm alone in a car, on my way home from work. if the appropriate song comes on (from one of my CDs) i'll suddenly transcend into the opening credits of a movie, where i'm the man driving the car and my eyes act as the camera, filming...with every blink being a new camera angle, inviting the audience inside my car. i imagine the credits cutting in and cutting out and once again, i feel cool--but not cool in a 22-year-old sense--cool in a sophomore-in-high-school-driving-his-car-home-after-school sense. the windows roll down and i imagine most people i pass stare at me and are part of my movie. they see the credits and feel the urge to pull over and clap their hands--who knows. the possibilities are endless. i don't know why i do this--but i do. i smile big when i do it and in one odd way, it's one of the few moments when i sense for sure that God is real and reachable and there. something about a song that so perfectly fits into the backround music category for films catches my ear and i drive home on cloud nine, wishing the ten minute trek could be an hour or so. sadly though, after the song is over, my movie ends and i'm stumped for a second. then--in order to minimize pain and suffering and the reality check one reaches when their imagination has gone too far--i hit the "back track" button, and relive the scene again. maybe this time i'll throw my arm out the window and wave it like i'm at a James Taylor concert. or perhaps i'll hold the wheel with hands gripped tight and imagine myself a cool, james dean kind of rebel, just trying to beat the road in my '96 honda accord. my face would be serious, my eyes focussed and intense. and then, as my hair is blowing up and down in the wind, i crack a smile and unwantingly come back to reality. i'm home now, and for some reason getting out of the car and going inside doesn't seem to be as exciting as my little 4 minute motion picture. but alas, i do it--so i can come inside and write about it on my blog, attempting to prolong the moment and feeling even just for another second. and guess what? it isn't working.

christian bookstores and me.

i want to support other christians. i want to give my money away to people who only buy t-shirts that say "I'm not going to be left behind, are you?" on the front. i want to support my brothers and sisters in Christ. really, i do. however, in my case, it takes just one trip to the local family christian bookstore to take that desire away completely (or just stamp it out and squeeze it to near-death for a while). is it just my area or are the people who work at these places just not like jesus is/was/would be (in my eyes anyways) at all!? they are either rude, mean, and piously reserved...or over-the-top-campy-cheery, smiling at you with a "i'm-only-smiling-because-i'm-a-christian-and-im'-working-here-and-that's-what-you-expect-me-to-do" type of expression. maybe i'm being judgemental and haven't explored the thousands of chrisitan bookstores out there with people who are honest, authentic and transparent about their faith; i don't know. however, i will say that if i wasn't a christian already, visiting a christian bookstore would give me one more reason for me not to join the club. that is, the family members' perks club. okay, i'm being just as mean as they are...i better stop before i relive the unpleasant monday experience in my head again.

oh, and happy birthday to blakeley...my little sister who just aged up to two full ten-finger hands!!! i love you bay! --love, nay.

talk too much.

lately, i've been reminded of the importance of listening--and also reminded of how i don't practice it often enough. whether in solitude or with scatters of other people, i'm quick to talk and run off my mouth, rarely giving others a chance to speak. so for the past few days, i've been mumbling prayers in miday up to God...something like, "God help me be a better listener---even though it's annoying when i'm surrounded by people who never talk, and it seems impossible listen to someone else's wordless chatter." i make up excuses as you can see, and so, it's been hard for me to practice this little-known art called listening and hearing. anyways, tonight, God gave me the most obvious and blatant chance/opportunity to just listen to a friend. i won't give you all the reasons for this being so obviously from God, but let's just say that it was probably 20 minutes at least that i said no more than a word or two. and of course--as i knew it probably would--it was incredible and eye-opening. to hear someone...really hear them and listen and try and get inside of their being is just another face of God's mercy and grace, i'm convinced. for this, i thank God and Carrie--for being the vessel.

trip to the dentist!

i just got back from my 6-month checkup/cleaning and a funny thing happened to me while reclined with various dental tools inserted into my mouth. kirsten leaned over me, cleaning my teeth--her eyes staring down at me, while i tried not to make eye contact. GRRRRRRRRWWWWWOOOOL. "Oops, sorry about that--guess im' ready for lunch." kirsten's stomach growled into my right ear like it was in stereo. i smiled with my mouth wide open. 2 miutes later, it happened again. "Wow, i am really hungry!" this time, my eyes seemed a little uneasy. is she going to explode? i thought. 2 minutes later, almost to the second, another growl. this time, she didn't even acknowledge it. i think she thought i didn't hear it to her drilling away at polishing my teeth with rasberry filling but on the contrary, i heard it quite well. 2 minutes later, again!! i kid you not...we're goin on four, long, 3-4 second stomach-grumblings. now, i almost started to laugh. "is it almost time for lunch yet?? (chuckle) gosh, i'm sorry about that." "it's okay," i muttered. and then i thought about what it would have been like to totally lash out in disgust, yelling at the top of my lungs for my dental hygenist to go get a bite to eat so i wouldn't have to hear her stomach rumble once more. it would've been funny but i didn't do that. i just layed there, smiling a little more, and thinking of how odd something like this really is.

books and being back home...again.

late this afternoon we flew into kalamazoo after a good week and then some in the bahamas, and again, i'm glad to be home. i got to read 4 books (one technically i started before we left, so that doesnt' count) and they were all worth my time...for the most part. however, i must say that i have to agree with liz boltz on the fact that nicholas sparks is not one of my favorite authors. i read "the notebook" after my sister said i had to, and his writing style bugged me, even though it was readable and easy to pass. anyways, read david sedaris' new book which was a treat, despite it being a little riske and shocking in parts (but when is he not shocking or riske??). leonard sweet's new book "summoned to lead" is fabulous and short and compact and just full of good ideas. and "the emotionally healthy church" by Peter sazzero(sp?) was good, but kind of one of those books where you read and think, "i know this--this is just a way of putting it nicely into a structured manner and getting it all out there on paper." it was good though and had good things to say.

anyways, enough about books for now...b/c even though it sounds like i did nothing but read, i actually had so much time to just relax and think and just be me..which was good and bad i guess depending on the day and night and time. i read the book of ruth twice and wrote much of how insignificant and little she makes me feel--even though i admire her a great deal. i think just this time when i read it (i often read her story) it hit me much harder. the realization being that i was a far cry away from the faithfulness and honoring-type of faith that she posessed. i know God has spared me much suffering when it's come to people in my life that i love, and for this, i'm grateful but also recognize that b/c of this, i can't possibly be (yet?) as great a disciple as Ruth was. she lost the love of her life. i've lost a friend here and there, but nothing to this magnitude. so, i sit, and wonder...while realizing my limitations. i'm beginning to appreciate the stages of faith so much more now than i ever have b/c it seems that everyone is on a different journey even though some are heading for the same end. it's okay if i'm not as good or as smart as the next person my age and vice versa. my tendency is to judge, belittle or criticize those my age who haven't gotten what i've gotten. this is wrong, i know, but i'm working on it, like so many other things inside of me. and for now, i think that's about all i can do.