countdown.

okay, so i have less than three days before i leave my home and i don't think it's phased me yet. i still think i will move out and next year or summer or fall or winter, will move right back in--in the basement, where it's lovely and cool. i love my bedroom and the way it can stay completely dark 24 hours a day. i doubt i'll have that luxury in sunny, california but perhaps it will be a good change--you know, one to jumpstart me into the 'real world' of 9-to-5 American dreams, trying to be lived out, one day at a time.

i really don't know what to do with myself at the moment. i want to pack and need to pack, but i don't feel like it. i don't know if i'm trying to delay the inevitable or trying to pretend that i'm still 7 years old and wondering why summer is coming to an end so soon. i'm not sure about you, but i was one of those kids who looked forward to going back to school in September (august now---oh my 80s' days were so much better than the deal these kids landed today---very sad). i would buy a new lunchbox, get the latest G.I. Joe Trapper Keeper and go searching for that perfect first day of school attire with the rest of my family. i remember when i was six, picking out this extremely yellow shorts and this shirt that was yellow and bright red and blue and every other color screaming "LOOK AT ME." i look back on it and see pictures of me standing in our living room with my lunchbox in hand and backpack strapped to my back, smiling excitedly into the camera and wonder what in the world i was so anxious for. for the time to come so i could go back to school? i wish i had the innocent desire still. now, i look forward to it, but not with the whole outfit and lunchbox and backpack kind of excitement--now my thrill is a little more sedated.

maybe i'm just wishing that my parents will fly out to L.A. and on my first day of seminary grab the camera, force me to pose and that I'd look up at them with a big, winner-grin. maybe that's what i miss. i don't know. all i feel now is stuck in the middle of two places and i'm wondering which one i really belong to more.