Monday, September 19, 2005

I think I finally realized and put into words what relationship I have with the Bible. I know that sounds weird to just come out and say, but I've been thinking a lot about this lately and it has really been bugging me.

Part of me loves it, part of me hates it. Does this make sense?

Whenever I read something beautiful in it, I underline, I say 'yes,' I am personally reaffirmed of the faith I cling to and claim to be apart of. However there are those moments when I find myself hating it. I hate the way it looks at me sitting on my nightstand. I hate how when sometimes I read it, I want to run away from my conscience after finishing a certain sentence. I hate it for the way it makes me feel sometimes inside, even though most of the time, this is a good way of helping me grow.

But ironically (or paradoxically) I think what I hate the most (and have come to love the most too...if you give me a long enough time) are those times when the words sting so close to home and scrape so sharply at my own life. The moments when I read and can hear the ringing 'this is for you' in my head and heart. I can hear my body ache because of it.

And this may not be pretty and it may make me sound like a looney boy, but I don't mind it really. It's what I've come to accept as me, living the paradox, and its best if I stop pretending it's something that it really is not.


Chalupa said...

you're always so real and honest. thanks for being a good example.

e.shorb said...

Beautifully said. We think of you often and miss being able to pick up the phone and call. China is fortunate to have you.
Hope you are being blessed by the Word that pierces and scrapes. It is easy to get dependent on the comforting words of friends and family and forget the Words that are Truth and are not always easy to hear. I'm sure the Lord is using this time apart from the encouraging words of your loved ones to draw you closer to Himself, the Great Comforter and the One who loves you with perfect Love.

We love you and miss you much!