Now I'm really a Southern Californian

When I was out here for a semester back in 2003, I never really felt like an official L.A. resident. I mean, I may have lived here, breathed the smoggy air, and driven on the same crowded freeways now and then, but I never thought of myself as "really" experiencing L.A. After all, most everyone who is from here or who has lived here complains about one thing: traffic. And unfortunately (but fortunately in my mind) I never really experienced the harsh, repeated, mundaneness of the "parking lot" L.A. daily traffic jam.

Now though, is a new day. This quarter for school, my schedule forces me to be in rush hour traffic at least three mornings a week, which is big considering that makes my one-way commute roughly 1 and half to 2 hours. Now, I'm not trying to brag because in reality, it's not something I should even be bragging about. But I'd be lying if I didn't admit a small part of me actually likes being stuck in the traffic; a part that secretly loves being able to finally say, "Were you driving on the 10 freeway this morning at 7:00?" or "Wasn't traffic on the 101 / 210 / 605 / 710 / 105 freeway simply unbearable last night!!??" These complaints are not just about complaining but are about one's identity. Essentially, they say, "This is me and I live in L.A....and I have a right to complain about traffic because I've experienced it!----Have you?" Which is why so many people feel L.A. traffic somehow connects shared experiences with every other person living in the 150 mile radius. And this is why my friend Liz Boltz was right when she commented once that being one of two billion people in L.A. wasn't so bad after all, and on the contrary actually felt oddly really really good (Sorry Liz for not quoting you precisely...but I remember you were the one to say it so I wanted to give you credit).

So call me crazy, but it feels good to belong to a place as cold and big and smoggy and disliked and trafficy as L.A. is. Maybe because it makes me feel special and makes me feel like I live somewhere that has enough problems to pass around the table--wherever that may be--and with whomever I may share a meal. And that, for some reason, feels pretty good.

Easter

The last full day for me in Michigan before heading back to California was also the day of Christ's resurrection--Easter Sunday--where all of Lent's sacrificial love is let go, and released into the sky and up into the heavens. I'm not sure why exactly, but this Easter was especially rewarding. Perhaps it had to do with the wonderful Easter program at church, which reminded me that the ground is level at the foot of the Cross, and that there's room for everyone---even me---at the table for sinners.

There was a drama done today that emphasized the fact that everyone is welcome, specifically pointing out that while all of us may not be worthy of a seat or a place next to Christ, all of us are definitely wanted and welcomed and pursued by His everlasting extension of grace.

And yet, even after this incredible and hope-filled message of the gospel of Christ that is more "Universalist" sounding than many people would like to think, a friend of mine from high school youth group came up to me and began filling me in on his life and his happenings, adding further details that disturbed and nearly ruined my joy and meditation on the wonder and power and mystery of Christ's resurrection. My friend began to tell me of how recently a gay nightclub in Kalamazoo, Michigan had burned down and informed me that if he was working fireman duty that night, he would've quote "taken his time and let the queers burn."

(Something is still not right in the world, despite the reality of a resurrected Christ!)

Extremely bothered, I began to subtly add how frustrating an attitude like this was (especially coming from a "Christian") and added how I hoped none of the people there that night were hurt or injured. Even though my friend did not catch how mad I really really was, I still pursued this idea a little bit...adding how ironic it was for a place to be burned down by people seemingly anti-gay, anti-reconciliation, anti-Easter, yet probably all regular church-goers. I lamented how sad it is, and how ashamed we should be and then---for a very long moment---I wished Michigan wasn't my home. Not that this friend was speaking for everyone, because I know he doesn't. But it is probably an idea entertained by more people than not, and so because of that, I wished I could've been somewhere else at that moment.

Maybe I'm just ultra-sensitive on this subject because I feel like most of the time---as a Christian---I find myself relating to the gay people of the world more often than with my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. Maybe it has somewhat to do with my disgust for stereotypes, and my frustration with my own inability to really speak my mind and call people out when they say such hate-filled things. I don't know what the real thing is, honestly. I only know that today was Easter---the holiday we Christians claim to be crazy for. And yet, even still, I saw someone trying to tear down grace and stomp out the hope of the gospel in just a few little words. I found one of God's children running from grace and running to hate, as opposed to running to grace and running from hate. This is what saddens me most.

One writer I can't remember (sorry!) recently wrote, "We're Easter-Christians living in a Good Friday world!" I like how that sounds, but today, I was bothered by how much this one conversation managed to turn my Good Friday world into an even more grim one. One that was still focusing on shadow, rather than light; hate rather than love; death rather than life.

And correct me if I'm wrong, but that's not the kind of Easter Christ was meaning to bring to His creation at all.

The Real Days

As much as it pains me to admit this, there are just some people in the world who lack almost any artistic vision. And when I say vision, I mean vision as related to seeing things with an artistic/creative bent.

I'm not sure this creative way of seeing can be learned--in a lecture educational setting, that is--because really, it's something you grow up with and learn by way of looking and hearing and feeling and experiencing and loving and being loved. Obviously, my generation is audaciously image-driven but contrary to much Boomer thinking, I don't think that's a bad thing. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I'm actually very excited to see how my generation turns out. Because we tend to elevate the relational side of ourselves, we're often not content with unreal or inauthentic friendships. We crave intimacy, desire meaning and few of us could be accused of really wanting the American Dream. In a sense, we're very different from our parents.

Sure we have our setbacks, and we have trouble dealing with finances and aren't as stingy with our money as maybe we shoud be (or shouldn't we?) but all in all, I'm so glad I'm growing up now--despite the craziness of the world in which we live in--as opposed to growing up 50 years ago. I know those were the "good ole' days," but in all honesty, there are so many people that came out of the good ole' days that are not only NOT good but are also unhappy, unfulfilled and worst of all, consumed IN themselves. This is where I feel my generation is trying to come in and change things around and mix things up. We want something real but we also want to keep playing. We want to grow old but we don't want to grow up. We want to be like little children but we don't want to be treated like them. We want community and don't want to be alone. And the list goes on and on and on.

This post isn't really going anywhere in particular I guess. The point, as thought of in modern days, is not so clear. I guess I just wanted to point out how thankful and grateful I am to be a part of this generation...which is something I think few people in the past could really say honestly. I'm thankful I'm where I am--even though it's not perfect and not yet whole and not yet fully blossomed into the life-potential I think it will someday be--and this suits me just fine for now.

So to all my fellow ones---Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, Mormon, Atheist, Agnostic, God's Beloved little children...whatever you call yourself---I just wanted to say I'm so glad you're living in this world with me now.

Anne Lamott writes it better

I just finished reading "Plan B" last night (Anne Lamott's new book) and while I pretty much loved almost every page of it, I came across two lines that leaped out at me and seemed to encompass part of what I was trying to convey through my most recent blog post concerning "certainty" and "grace" and "fear" and "being human."

In it, she writes: "...the opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty. Certainty is missing the point entirely."

I wish I could put things so profoundly and so concisely.

Afraid of Grace

Sometimes, I think being a Christian makes you more afraid of life.  I know it shouldn't but it does and let me explain why.

When you're constantly being spoonfed answsers to life's biggest questions and repeatedly told how you should respond to any given moral dillemma, it's really hard to remember to be human.  And to take that a step further, I think we Christians eventually use this fear of being human in ways harmful to ourselves and those beloved ones we claim to be
trying to reach.  When you can't be human and acknowledge that not everyone knows the "right" answer to life's most "demanding" purpose-driven questions, how can you know--or much less empathize with--people who still feel they haven't found any answers at all?

Now, before you jump to conclusions, let me confess that I haven't always been a grey kind a guy.  Most of my life, I saw black--and there, over playing by itself in the wildflowers, was white.  The two distinctions were very easy to spot because my world was full of people showing me how to box things up, compartmentalize, and package up ideas in hopes of shipping them off to either heaven or hell.  But now, I wonder if God is really that simple to figure out.

Some days I think God wouldn't create us to be uncertain; other days I think he created uncertainty to remind us all that we are not God.  Some days I see more answers, and other days all I see are questions.  However, I've thought a lot and I think I'm starting to come up with an idea that makes sense to me.  Clarity without insight is empty because in the end, no one truly wants to be told how to feel, think, and act?  After all, isn't part of humanity our own uncertainity?  And didn't God take the biggest risk of all in creating humans to choose what to feel, think, and act?  And is clarity really clarity when one is forced into believing it or feeling it or thinking it or living it, without ever make the conscious decision to do so?

I don't think God wants people who say what sounds right all the time.  In fact, I don't think God agrees with most Christians on what sounds right most of the time.  That empty road is called extreme moralism, and too many Christians are on that road and God is no longer with them.  And vice versa, they've stopped believing in God altogether really.

The world is complicated...this I know. No one wants to constantly be told what to do because in the end, I don't think it really matters what you're told to do or what you're told to be.  But what matters is what you're doing, and who you're being: are you being
a human made in the image of God, or are you being a Christian who thinks they're no longer human?  One of those is idolatry; the other is living in grace.

I just have a hard time remembering to live by the latter I think.

Mony, Mony

Today, thanks to a courageous, impulsive and ridiculous hair-decision I made on Saturday, the financial lady that works in our office stopped dead in her tracks and said, "well, hello billy idol!" I took it as a compliment and smiled saying, "That's exactly who I was going for!"

Thank goodness I'm a guy b/c I don't know how girls do it. One bad hair decision for a girl and it's a nightmare; one bad hair decision for a guy and it's like, "eh..it'll be gone in a month." Unless of course your name is Bo Bice or Constanine!!!

I'm such an American Idol geek right now. How lame, how droll.

I hate shopping for birthday cards

I don't care what anyone says about this, but there is no good birthday card left at any drugstore or wal-mart or hallmark shop in southern California. Which is pathetic, ridiculous and frustrating.

"I was on Cheetos for 10 months and I lost 20 lbs.!!!"

Another weird confession from my childhood.

Everyone is familiar with the weird diets and unique blending of different foods to help you lose weight faster, right? Well I can remember when I was younger (probably around the age of 12, when I first became a little "husky" (I hate that word) and when I first remember being self-conscious about my weight) imagining what it would be like to do my own infomercial on how eating potato chips or cheetos or cheese helped me lose 20 lbs. Sometimes I would take a handful of chips, go to the bathroom, and practice doing test commercial takes into the mirror with me smiling and slowly eating and chowing down on a big, orange cheeto. The announcer man with the low, peppy voice would fill the bathroom and go something like this: "...And studies have recently proven that eating 18 cheetos every morning actually helps reduce cholesterol and increase your body's metabolism...so essentially you turn into a fat-burning machine!" My crunching on the cheeto and frequent winking into the mirror cements such a claim. Except for the fact that I saw myself as a weight-burning machine in progress and not necessarily the end result. "Thanks to eating Cheetos, I feel like a new kid again," I'd say.

Oh the things we chubby kids will think of to justify eating chips in the morning. And oh how much greater life would be if the more cheetos you ate, the more weight you'd lose.

Entertaining Worship?

A guy recently commented how he didn't like my church because it was too "showy" and it felt like one big "entertainment spectacle" which made me think and ask him many things, one in particular that seemed to stump him: "what's the difference between entertainment and worship when done within the context of a Christ-centered community?" Now, I know the Protestent part of us tends to tell us that it's not really good to be "wowed" when you're at church but I'm beginning to wonder why?! The church I'm apart of here in L.A. is really hip, young, and talented, but at the same time, are we to criticize these people for being blessed with such God-unique talents and gifts? For instance, there is a group of Christian dancers and choreographers that formed at my church that every few weeks puts on a dance to convey some theme or idea to the congregation (not slow, mime-dancing...but hip-hop, mechanical, techno-savvy dancing). The first time I saw them, I was blown away at the uniqueness of their gifts and began thanking the Lord that they could express themselves and be used as part of the worship at a place like Mosaic (the church I'm apart of). So many churches don't seem to find any place for these creative outlets--these artists that are definitly out there in our world--which is why I'm so confused now when people from my generation gripe about worship being more concerned with entertaining than worshipping. What is worship? What is entertainment? Can you have one without the other? Should you have one without the other? Is it wrong to utilize both, so that (God-forbid) our communal worship experience could be both praiseworthy to God, and pleasurable and enjoyable for ourselves?

Obviously, the answer depends a lot on how you would define "church" and "worship," but I think when you look at the Bible, the opportunities in worship are endless. Think about it: God has created humans---these very complex, creatively intuitive beings who thrive in relationships---and yet, enjoying one another and our worship of Christ are supposed to mutually exclusive? Are we getting too individualistic? Too "cater to my carnal preferences" when we see church and how it fits into our lives?

Perhaps we need to stop seeing it as, "this church fits me better" and start seeing it as, "this church most challenges my thoughts on God, the Ultimate artist and leaves much room for unity amongst diversity." It's funny what starts to happen when you stop caring about what YOU like and what fits YOU and start caring about the community of believers and what best serves THEIR needs (and eventually, what best glorifies God). When you break it down this way, your tiny little whiny and self-absorbed voice suddenly sounds like everything worship is NOT about.

Mean Girls In America

In a little over a week, it's my turn to lead my movie small group bible study and so, I get to pick a movie and am having a hard time deciding. Should I go with "Mean Girls" or "In America?" Hmmmm. We've been watching a lot of serious movies lately (i.e., "Seabiscuit," "Braveheart,") so that's why I'm leaning towards "Mean Girls" right now. But so much of me wants to pick "In America" because I don't think any of them have seen it. I can't decide. Maybe I should pray about it? 'Cause I know God has willed one over the other!

"Bye Mateo, Bye! Look after Frankie, look after Frankie!" Stop. The father stops speaking and waving and looks down to his daugher, as tears begin to swell up in his eyes. His daughter looks up at him and says, "Say goodbye to Frankie, Dad!----Dad...say goodbye to Frankie." A shot of the moon fills the screen, and the hardness is then broken.

In case you haven't seen it, that's a scene from "In America." Maybe tomorrow I'll do one from "Mean Girls" and make the decision off of that...but that's going to be hard to top for me I think.

The Beauty of Saying "No!"

Maybe being raised in the late 80s and early 90s wasn't so good for me after all. In schools, every sub-school program was centered around the student's decision to say "no!" (i.e., "Just say NO to Drugs" or "Just say NO to sex" or "Just say NO to smoking cigarettes", etc.). Guest speakers would come in and give true testimonies that would scare our little 10-year-old selves half to death which is okay I guess, as long as you later inform the kids that there are even good things in life that you should say no to too (not that sex, drugs, or cigarettes are "bad things," it's just that....well, you know what I mean I think).

Perhaps that's part of my problem with people and friends and my need/desire to please others: I say "no" when everyone in the free world should say "no," but not when my own gut tells me to. Meaning, I tend to overcommit and take on projects other people suggest (I can do them but I really don't want to and the passion is just not there) in hopes to please them and appease them, and I'm beginning to see what a bad habit this really is. I usually think that if I'm "free" or "available" then all is fair game and when someone asks me to do something during these times, then I should do it right away. But last night reminded me that I cannot live like this forever. I have to--sooner or later--come to a point where my "no's" come just as frequent, if not more often, than my "yes's." Does this make sense? Maybe I'm the only one struggling with this, but in my attempts at being forward and direct, I wonder if I'll ever sacrifice that little thing called grace and that bigger thing called selflessness in my attempts to NOT overcommit?

I don't know. All I know right now is, I said "no" last night as directly and to-the-point-as-possible and it was such a good feeling. I never knew how freeing the word "No" could really be? They didn't teach me that in those anti-drug elementary education seminars. Go figure.

One Cate Away

Looking at my predictions list from Saturday of who "WILL" win...I was so so so so happy to see that I was right in every category I listed on my blog EXCEPT for Best Supporting Actress (to which I said Virginia Madsen would win for "Sideways"). So close and yet so far from perfect, huh?

I missed the last two awards of the night because tiVo wasn't smart enough to record longer than the scheduled 3-hour-time block, so I didn't get to see Clint or "Million Dollar Baby" win the big two. Another example of why technology will never be able to fully replace human beings I suppose.

Oh well.

Overall, I'm happy with the outcome of this years Oscars because for the first time since 1999, I felt like a smaller, independent-like movie won and while I wouldn't want that to happen every year (because it would probably be too depressing), it's a nice break from "Lord of the Rings" and "Chicago" type movies I think. Also, I loved that Morgan Freeman won, and I loved Kate Winslet for looking the best she's ever looked. Okay, maybe I didn't "love" her (the superlative spirit within me is saying that I guess) but she was the knockout looker of the evening if I do say so myself. That dress! Wow! That blue! Yikes! And to top it off, she played Clementine in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" and was in "Finding Neverland!" She had a pretty amazing year, which makes up for her playing Bigsy or Bitsy or whatever her stupid name was in the blah-blah-blah "The Life of David Gale."

Have a million dollar week. Oh, and is a movie propaganda just because you disagree with its message OR is there some other objective way to judge it by? I was just wondering.

The 2005 Oscars: Neville's will, should, want and why list

I love trying to guess what movies WILL win the Academy Awards but equally amusing is trying to name what movies SHOULD win compared to what movies I WANT to win (sometimes it's a deep, dark secret for why I want something to win--other times it's not). So here it goes...in all the categories I actually really care about.
----------

BEST PICTURE
Will win: "Million Dollar Baby"
Should win: "Million Dollar Baby"
Want to win: "Finding Neverland"

Why? Because after years of Lord of the Rings' movies, it's time to award the quiet, real gems of the year.

BEST ACTOR
Will win: Jamie Foxx "Ray"
Should win: Jamie Foxx "Ray"
Want to win: "Don Cheadle" "Hotel Rwanda"

Why? Foxx is brilliant, yes...but Cheadle is always brilliant and here, he IS "Hotel Rwanda"--but then again, Jamie Foxx is "Ray" also. Either way you look at it, an African-American man must win in this category.

BEST ACTRESS
Will win: Hilary Swank "Million Dollar Baby"
Should win: Kate Winslet "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"
Want to win: Kate Winslet "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"

Why? Hilary Swank will likely upset Benning again (see 1999 when she beat her "American Beauty" performance with her "Boys Don't Cry" Oscar-winning role. However, Kate Winslet deserves to win because she took on the only role in the group that could literally fall apart if not acted out to near-perfection. Swank and others slip up at times, but Winslet never does.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Will win: Morgan Freeman "Million Dollar Baby"
Should win: Clive Owen "Closer"
Want to win: Morgan Freeman "Million Dollar Baby"

Why? Two words: Morgan Freeman. He's a favorite yes, and he's always good (even when he's in crappy movies like "High Crimes") and he was the better man in "Million Dollar Baby"...but Clive Owen knocks us flat and stands out high and tall above Jude Law's somewhat flimsy portrayal and Julia Roberts somewhat unconvincing turn. I believed Owen was who he was in this...I didn't always believe in Roberts or Law.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Will win: Virgina Madsen "Sideways"
Should win: Natalie Portman "Closer" or Virgina Madsen "Sideways" (too close to tell)
Want to win: Sophie Okonedo "Hotel Rwanda"

Why? Virginia Madsen was the best thing about "Sideways" (apart from Paul Giammatti, but since he was snubbed...she's in control here) because I believed in her and never doubted her character for a second. However, Natalie Portman deserves it for the outstanding year that was her's. Yet, I would love to see the underdog Sophie Okonedo win for "Hotel Rwanda." The scene where she and Cheadle are split up, and she's in the back of the truck is probably her greatest moment! And what a heart-tugger she was, huh?

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE
Will win: "The Incredibles"
Should win: "The Incredibles"
Want to win: "The Incredibles"

Why? The name says it all. The other two don't stand a chance ("Shark Tale" and "Shrek 2" that is).

BEST ART DIRECTION
Will win: "The Aviator"
Should win: "The Phantom of the Opera"
Want to win: "A Very Long Engagement"

Why? "The Aviator" will get it because it looks like a big, classy, Hollywood picture (and that's hard to come by). But "Phantom" overwelms audiences by sight more than sound and so I think it deserves it here. However, "A Very Long Engagement" should not be dismissed---like in "Amelie," the set direction is alive, bursting with vitality and at times, overshadowing the movie as a whole. That's hard to do.

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY
Will win: "The Aviator"
Should win: "The Passion of the Christ"
Want to win: "A Very Long Engagement"

Why? Because part of "The Passion of the Christ"'s true greatness IS its cinematography---and the fact the voters remembered it proves it! But "The Aviator" will likely win which is okay but not so overwelmingly memorable as both "Passion" and "Engagement" were. I'd love to see "A Very Long Engagement" take the win though---because war has never looked so dreary and dreamy all at once.

BEST DIRECTING
Will win: Clint Eastwood "Million Dollar Baby"
Should win: Martin Scorsese "The Aviator"
Want to win: Alexander Payne "Sideways" (because he did "About Schmidt" and should've won more for that one)

Why? Directing is most evident in the acting which is why "Million Dollar Baby" should win here. "The Aviator" was too long, although it was an impressive achievement (and I'd love to see Marty win)....I'd love even more to see Alexander Payne win here because he's the most consistently good director around (even if "Sideways" is overly hyped up). Plus, this would award him for his fabulous "About Schmidt" work he did, to which he won no Oscars for (same goes with "Election" too). Third times a charm? Maybe for writing..but probably not directing. Sorry Payne.

BEST SCORE
Will win: "Finding Neverland"
Should win: "Finding Neverland"
Want to win: "Finding Neverland"

Why? Even though it's not amazing or anything, it's the best of the bunch. Sadly, this may be the only award "Neverland" will win.

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Will win: "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"
Should win: "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"
Want to win: "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"

Why? "The Aviator" screenplay was lacking a lot so it better not win here. "The Incredibles" or "Hotel Rwanda" were both very good, but seem almost mediocre compared to the visionary and unpredictable genius of Kauffman's "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind."

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
Will win: "Sideways"
Should win: "Million Dollar Baby"
Want to win: "Before Sunset"

Why? "Sidways" will win here because they've got to let it win SOMETHING. However, the better adaptation is "Million Dollar Baby," even though I think the standout in this category is the simple, yet profound, the ordinary, yet extraordinary "Before Sunset." It's the closest thing to humanity in the entire Oscar race I think.

BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
Will win: "Born into Brothels"
Should win: "Super Size Me"
Want to win: "Tupac: Resurrection".......okay not really, "Super Size Me" again!

Why? Even though serious subject matter is good, "Born into Brothels" can't do what "Super Size Me" did: make an American fast-food nation rethink their way of life, again and again and again. Plus, it's funny and deathly serious, all at once! Yay!!!
----
That's all. Sorry for taking up 10 pages.

Go Big Red!

"BECAUSE YOU DROVE ME"

For all those times you drove with me,
for all the truth that you let me see,
for all the joy you brought to my life,
for all the wrong turns that you made right,
for every dream you made come true,
for all the love i've found in driving you,
you're the one who helped me out--never let me fall,
you're the one who drove me through, through it all!

You were my strength when I was weak,
you were my voice when i couldn't speak,
you were my eyes when i couldn't see,
you saw the best there was in me,
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach,
you gave me faith cause you believed,
I'm everything I am--because you drove me.

You gave me miles and made me fly,
your wheel touched my hand and made me want to touch the sky,
I lost my faith in things old, you gave it back to me,
you said no star or state was out of reach,
you drove with me and I drove half-proud,
I had your love I had it all!!

I'm grateful for each day you gave me,
Baby I don't that much but I know this much is true,
I was blessed because I was driven by you, with you, in you!
---
Nate, I hope this poetic adaptation from the great Celine Dion serves as my presence at your blowout, 200,000 mile block party for Big Red today. Treat him well. He still needs the Lord you know.

Before the Dream

What is this life?
Taken up in the night sky,
Together, and off-balanced;
Changing always today
With tomorrow the same;
lost and found--yet, here am I.

What is this time?
When we touch just to breathe,
When we love just to feel,
And we can't reverse the
'Seeing over hearing';
Can you take it any more?

What is this night?
Running into darkness,
Walking into the light,
Always fighting while still
Never winning it quite,
Is this what you want from life?

What is this place?
Please don't leave me alone.
Blankets cover my self,
Pillows cover my eyes;
I want it and I don't,
Is this life a paradox?

For who can know what dreams will come
When dust is back and I am gone,
And fear is lost behind the sun,
Then I shall speak this prayer with love,
'Please say everything will be alright,
Please say all will be well tonight.'

What is religion?

I didn't realize this till' tonight but came to find out that the word religion is only defined in one place in the Bible: in the book of James. What's even more interesting is that James defines religion in two ways: (1) as ministering to the poor and the widows and the orphans, and (2) as practicing personal reflection and/or concerned with affairs of oneself. Call me crazy, but doesn't it seem like churches tend to do one or the other and not both?

My church upbringing tends towards the latter, where everything revolves around the individual and social justice isn't even mentioned, talked about, or advocated. But in other church settings, it seems that everything from the sermon to the liturgy reflects a keen awareness for a social gospel. Yet, in these churches, they lack any personal self-evaluation and/or reflection. Why can't we marry the two? Is it simply too hard for us today as it was for the audience of James' letter?

In other "bible talk," Rahab continues to fascinate me. I think if I could only meet a few people from history (who are mentioned in the Bible) she'd be one of them. Like Paul, her turning to God was radical and suspicious. Others doubted her faithfulness but yet she's mentioned in Hebrews as having faith like Abraham! And yet ironically (is it ironic?), she lied to keep the spies safe.

I don't know about you but I love it when Bible stories trump our so-called "ethical problems." I believe there is an absolute in every situation but could it be that the absolute in one situation differs from the absolute in another? That is, could lying be the best option in one scenario and the wrong one in another? This sounds sticky but look at the story of Rahab and tell me that's not what was happening.

Good night all. Sorry for the preaching.

God, send me a sign!

As a pastor's kid, I can honestly say that myself (and almost every other P.K.) have a corner on the Christian subculture's obsession with "how to live like a bold Christian." My favorite personal rut I tend to trap myself in, and then beg for God to send me a sign to help get me out, is when I feel like God is giving me an opportunity to be vulnerable with a friend who's not a Christian. Let me explain with an example: the prayer goes something like this (also, it's more often than not an inner conversation that I have with myself really).

"Oh God, please give me an opportunity to talk to Joe!"

And then, God does.

"Now God, should I ask Joe Saturday night when we're out having drinks to come to church with me OR should I ask Joe when I see him at work this week about it? Which one is your will? Send me a sign!"

And then, God doesn't send a "sign," or so I thought He didn't.

"Oh God, why didn't you send me a sign as to which decision to make! Now the opportunity is lost!"

And then God shakes His head, throws down a little more grace and I feel dumb, yet again.

Lately, I've thought a lot about God's will for our lives, and I think I've come to understand that this whole Americanized/Rick Warren surge of "your purpose-driven life" thing (though not bad, it's certainly not free from any criticism) is just not totally biblical. Sure God cares about everyone of us--individual and all--but can I be so bold as to say that God really doesn't give a rip about whether or not we should take the job A promotion as opposed to the job B promotion? It's like we say that we want to jump on board and "be in God's will," (which sounds good and all) but in reality, it usually is just another means of delaying decision-making and prolonging the call to true discipleship. Sometimes I feel like God is looking down at me and saying, "Make a decision! The gospel train is going and you can either jump on and go where I'm going or stay put in the safety of your own normal, comfortable, living space!" It's a macro-thing and we Americans keep trying to make it a micro-thing. How sad we are.

I don't think it's really possible for us to escape God's will though. All throughout the Bible it seemed like God's will was being done when people were at their very best and when people were at their very worst and when people weren't even believers in God to begin with. God's will was being carried out when Paul, the worst of sinners, was chosen to be God's apostle and it was being carried out when Deborah, the judge who prophesized that Jael (a woman) and not Barak (a man) would be the one to receive God's glory (and yet, Jael didn't even profess to know God)!

So despite ourselves and how hard we may try, we can't turn a macro-gospel into a micro-one. It just doesn't work.

Thank the Lord. Good day.

Come again some other day...

Rain! Rain! Go away!

I'm sorry to all of you who just can't get enough of rain but I'm ready to throw in the towel and be done with it. California is not equipped to handle such massive dumps of water and if you've watched the news at all lately, it shows. I realize our world needs rain to go on surviving, but this is ridiculous. Will it ever end?

Today is one of those bland days that comes to you and gets stuck in your stomach in the most uncomfortable way. It makes me feel incapable of doing what I need to get done. Every direction seems to be calling and I feel like nothing inside of me wants to go any which way right now. How can you communicate what being "stuck in a moment" feels like? U2 tried I suppose but I need more helpful advice than "You've got to get yourself together!" That doesn't seem to solve the problem. I don't know. I guess I'll keep trying and maybe later, come up with something better.

I See Them all the Time

My church small group is still in the stages of getting to know one another, so I understand that I shouldn't expect it to be close-to ideal or perfect or anything like other amazing, communal-focussed small groups I've been apart of in the past, but...

The other night a girl from my church small group shared that she was starting some counseling courses offered through our church. After she finished telling us this, she shared how in a few weeks they would actually get to simulate with people in the class a biblical counseling session (mind you, the people in her class are all church members of our church). I chimed in, excited, and said how that was going to be so beneficial and shared how in one of my Fuller classes, we were doing something similiar. Each of us from my Wholeness class have to share our spiritual autobiography (containing all the dirt, and messed up parts of ourselves and our pasts) to our own small groups formed within the class. Then I explained how beneficial this was for me and how she'd really get a lot out of this, and that's when she interrupted me.

"I don't want to share my deepest, darkest secrets with these people though because they're from church---and I see them all the time!!!" She said it as if she could share it to non-church people but not to her friends she stood and worshipped with week after week, and this bothered me.

What is the problem here? Why is it that so many people our generation feel more comfortable sharing about their past to friends outside of the church then they do to people inside? 'Something is wrong with this picture' I thought.

However, I really can't blame my friend for saying what she did because in all honesty, I tend to think the same from time to time. It takes time to unlearn what American culture, legalism, broken families and religious judgmentalism teaches us Christians today. So much of it is unconciously learned that we don't even see ourselves guilty of what we tend to preach against. And if it weren't for grace, I don't think I'd even bother trying to unlearn anything taught in the name of Christian religion.

Sad? Yes. True? Yes. Hopeless?

I hope not.
Happy Weekend!

200,000

Congratulations to my little buddy of a car Skyy Cordy (thank you Tara for the inspiration back in 2003 for the name) for making his 200,000th mile tonight on the way home from classes in Pasadena. As I shared with a friend, I feel like I should've done something for him to commemorate such a milestone but I didn't really. And what's worse is that I was talking to another friend on the phone when it happened and so my feeble attempts to take pictures (yes, I was driving 70mph and taking pictures at my odometer) didn't go that smoothly.

I hope he can forgive me. Perhaps I will take my friend's advice and treat him to a nice car wash tomorrow or something. The bird poop is beginning to pile up spots.

Thank you Cordy for such a wonderful ride. I hope the next 200,000 miles is just as sweet.

A Grammy Tribute

Don't get me wrong or anything, but after watching much of the Grammy awards show (and fast-forwarding through most of it--thank God for tiVo) I couldn't help but say that the Tsunami tribute performance by Bono, Stevie Wonder, Norah Jones, Steven Tyler, Alicia Keyes, etc., etc, of the Beatles' song "Across the Universe" was a bit of a let down. I would've much rather had Rufus Wainwright doing his cover of the song up there, by himself. Now that would make me want to rush to iTunes and download it (if I didn't already own it).

No big surprises this year...Ray Charles won many, Alicia Keyes is still one of the most talented mainstream artists around (did you see her play that piano and belt out those tunes???).

However, my biggest complaint about this year's Grammys was the lack of awards presented. I think for the duration of the 3 and a half hour show, there were about 8 awards presented. I feel bad for all of those this year that were told, "oh, we're doing your award before the show...sorry." What a let down.

But do I really care all that much? Nahhh. If it were the Oscars it'd be another story, though.

Lent

Madeleine L'Engle refers to the time of Lent in the Church year as a "strange bleak season" and I couldn't agree more. It is the time when seasons are often bleak (depending on where you live) and where also, people in general, are bleak as well. It is a time to give up something--usually something meaningful--and offer it as a sacrifice to God, proving humble yet human devotion. But is there anything we can do that is worthy to God? Can we really prove our feeble, finite love to God? After all, God knows our hearts and knows that our devotion is far from pure or holy or righteous. And yet still, God accepts our broken offerings--our ashes--and sweeps them up into the sky, holding onto them as tiny treasures offered from his beloved ones. We are His beloved, but do we believe this? Do we know this? Do we live this?

Lent is a time usually ignored by most Protestant traditions and although I'm not attacking the Protestant faith--for I myself, was raised in it and appreciate so much of what it taught me--I am saying that I'm saddened that Lent was not observed by any church I grew up in. And why? Is it seen as too "Catholic" or "Anglican" or "Reformed" or "Orthodox"? I'm not sure.

But I wish I had a greater appreciation for this time of the Church calendar year because it's really hard to act like you care about something you've been missing your whole life. I want to participate in the time of Lent not to fit in, or to be spiritually savvy, but because I think it's a way of worship and love and adoration that I've been missing out on. For I don't think the time of Lent is soley about God getting glory (although surely it is) but it's about his followers, mustering up all they can offer and their best loves in life, and taking them before His open hands and simply rejoicing. This is true freedom in Christ!

Today is Ash Wednesday--the beginning of Lent--and I love what this means for all who believe. If Lent is a time to remind us of what is soon to come (Christ's suffering) and of the glory behind the corner (Christ's resurrection) and of the ultimate crowning that has come and continues to come (Christ's Ascension), let us be brushed with ashes as humbly as we can, marked as His beloved little Ones, and let us choose to love, love, love.

For 40 days, and 40 nights.

Beauty, Beauty, Beauty (part 1)

I used to think inner beauty was all that mattered. Now, I realize not only is that not true but it's basically deceitful and in a sense, undermines much of how we human beings were created.

We've all been told our whole life that it doesn't matter if we're not as pretty or cute or gorgeous as our compadre and friend sitting next to us in school. After all, external beauty will fade but interior beauty will last forever! Some may even call beauty "meaningless," and say it is a "luxury" and not something we humans should be primarily concerned with. But what if there was something within us that made us care? What if it wasn't just cultural influences, social hype, magazine centerfolds, or oppressive glamour standards forced upon us by evil TV executives that caused us to want and desire to possess the latest style or simply look beautiful?

It gets tricky to talk about because right away, people assume you are shallow and that you're just some crazy, image-obsessed American consumer who thinks about what hair product to buy all day long or whether or not this Prada handbag goes with your new Diesel jeans. However, I think my own thinking on the subject of beauty is shifting. I used to have little sympathy for people spending $5,000 for a monthly face lift but now I'm beginning to step back and weigh the bigger picture. Obviously, most middle-class Americans would call this outlandish spending but how is it different than our own feeble attempts to look, feel, and maintain the feeling of 'being hip and stylish and savvy and pretty?' The fact that I'd rather go to a thrift store to buy a Banana Republic t-shirt may make me a minimalist, but it still says something about what I like to wear and what I think will make me look good, essentially. I may not be forking out five grand a month on clothes but I'm still choosing to care about how I look as opposed to--oh, let's say--not caring.

People who say they don't care how they look or what they wear are liars I think and really just in a state of self-denial (i.e., I think many of us Christians were raised to talk like this). Because sooner or later, given the option of wearing something absurdly ugly compared to something just 'normal,' I dare such a person to pick to wear the absurdly ugly. Even the most least fashion-conscious guys and girls I've come across care about how they look. Even if your own judgments made on these people would have you believe that they could not possibly care becuase if they did, 'why on earth would they wear that top with those shoes,' I'd still argue these people care, even if your opinion of their personal taste would say otherwise.

I understand that people get obsessed with style, how they look, and often it morphs into abnormal, near-addictive-like behavoir when all you think about is looking good, but I'm not saying that's a good thing (in fact, it's a totally different issue really). I'm saying I believe--after this last Fall and after much reading on the subject--that the inner need to look good and feel beautiful or good-looking, may be a totally natural, God-given, human gift. So to say it's wrong to want to look good is what I really have a problem with I guess. This need--in and of itself--is not evil, even if beauty sometimes can be a cover for something evil.

More parts to come in the future I'm sure, so let's just keep this "blog essay entry" open.

Movies you might have missed

Earlier this week, I did a post about "movies to miss" (i.e., horrible movies that you should never see). So I thought it was only appropriate to pick out a few movies this past year, that may have slipped under your own movie radar, and give them the proper attention they most certainly deserved.

"Shaun of the Dead"--What would happen if the zombie-horror-film genre was made fun of with a movie that plays by its rules and ironically, acts as if these rules are ridiculous all at the same time? If you were smart a director, you'd get something like "Shaun of the Dead" which is one of those movies you see previews for and moan. However, it's also one of the ones (if you end up seeing) that you're so glad you did. Sure by the end, you're ready for it to be the end. But what's new? I can't think of a zombie movie I've watched without wanting it to be over sooner than it actually was, so let's toss that objection out. What you get when you come to "Shaun of the Dead" is a surprisingly smart and surprisingly stupid zombie movie that is tongue-and-cheek-to-the-max. It is a homage to zombie movies and a witty critique as well. Warning: best when viewed in large groups and with people who can tolerate a stupid fart joke every once and awhile.

"Tarnation"--Even if watching student films makes you want to puke--with their shaky camera movement and artsy-wannabe editing techniques--you still should check out (when you're in a gloomy mood) "Tarnation" and see how a man can take bits and pieces of his childhood, and piece together a full-length feature film. Johnathan Caouette's mini-masterpiece (partially because it seems like it's been 20 years in the making) will disturb you, make you cringe, make you squeam, and make you shake your head more times than you can count. It's a classic example of a movie you don't necessarily like but at the same time, you cannot help but admire the filmmaker for such a bold, unnerving, and emotionally naked way to allow film as art, do its healing through time. Caouette, a gay man in his late 20s living in New York, tells of his childhood, mostly shedding insight to horrible things happening to his mother, and its a really fascinating way of showing how family affects so many parts of our lives, even if we refuse to let it. Despite some very very very low-budget Apple iMovie editing moves that were used just way too many times for emotional impact, there are a handful of moments and scenes that stand out as so mind-jarringly out there, you'll swear you're watching the closest thing to reality filmmaking ever. And, it probably is the weirdest and most interesting film you'll see all year long, even if you end up hating it---so give it a chance.

"Mean Creek"--This movie (now available on DVD) is a perfect example of how a movie can somewhat go against the formal screenwriting three act structure, and still be pulled off as affecting and intense and oddly mesmerizing. "Mean Creek" is the kind of movie that is so simple, it feels like it could've happened in your backyard or something. It's about a bunch of young, stupid kids--yes--but it's also about every one of us. While many people may call it a movie that "goes nowhere," I'd have to disagree. This movie is on to something, and even if it doesn't quite totally latch onto it by the time the end credits are rolling, it has you hooked and it's the kind of movie that lingers in your head for days after you watch it (even though you think it won't). In a few words, it's haunting, ordinary, and way too chilling to be called stale.

"Maria Full of Grace"--I like to think of this movie as 2004's equivilent of "Whale Rider," only it's about Columbian drug mules and their ties with American drug lords, and how everything can really just go to S&#@ when you're dealing with the wrong kind of people. Kudos to the Academy for recognizing young Catelina Sandino Moreno (she is nominated for Best Actress, in her debut role--similar to Keisha-Castle Hughes was for "Whale Rider") which hopefully will make more people see this movie because it's just one those movies just about everyone needs to see. Again, you may not like it (almost all the movies on this list seem to be like that) but you can't just let it go by and watch it go from New Releases to Foreign to GONE at your local Blockbuster store. It's an eye-opening, unsettling movie, yes, and it achieves moments of intense suspense that no other Hollywood movie from this past year has, but it does so many more things than that, it really limits the film itself by comparing it to other movies because there's no movie that's like it. I wasn't a big fan of the movie "Traffic" back in 2000, so forgive me for that if you were one of those people who "loved it." I think this movie is much better, much stronger, and much more emotionally affecting than "Traffic" could ever be thought of as being. Why this got snubbed and "Traffic" did not, probably has to do with the lack of big names attached to this film and to the lack of a well-known American director but having said that, you really have no excuse now not to see this one...because it's in the New Release section right now and it's a perfect DVD rental flick.

Hope this helps. More to come later. Good night.

Freaks and Geeks: A masterpiece from television

I'm not a fan of TV programs in general but after a recomendation from Taylor professor Jeff Cramer to see the lost, ran-only-one-season-and-cancelled-but-now-it's-a-cult-phenomenon show "Freaks and Geeks," I saw the very first episode last Fall and loved it. Lately, I've been watching more episodes (as I got the entire show on DVD for Christmas) and at the end of each episode I'm happy and sad, knowing that it's one more down and only a few more left. I don't want it to end. It's really quite sad.

If you haven't seen this show, do yourself a favor and borrow it from someone (Jamin has it I think for you Taylor folks, and if not, it's available to rent). It hits on pretty much everything from high school that you never thought you'd like to remember, and of course, all of those other things that seem to be universal to growing up. From freshmen boys not wanting to take showers in P.E. (but forced to...was there anyone else who went to a school where taking showers was "extra credit?") to a guy liking a girl and then that girl telling that guy that she likes this OTHER guy (thus, putting the original guy in the "i like you as a friend" category), high school is often not thought of as a "wonderful time," but watching "Freaks and Geeks" made me laugh, cringe, and think that maybe it wasn't such a bad time after all.

I wish more TV shows could accomplish so much in such a short amount of time. And for anyone who's seen the show, the boy who plays Sam deserves an Emmy...I don't care if the show is off the air. He captures the very essence of what the "nice guy" in high school felt like all throughout.