Love, Murder and Stinky Shepherds

The Christmas story has circled around my head for the past few days. Sure, it's been reimagined quite differently as each year added on to my life brings forth a new experience and glimpse and perspective of Love coming down in the form of a baby.

Sometimes I think I forget that while Jesus was no more than than age 2, King Herod had thousands of babies killed at this same time in hopes of killing off Jesus. This is a part of the Christmas story yet it's not one we like to dwell on. We moreso tend to view this as Herod's choice and so, God is merely playing off of what Herod is choosing to do. But the prophets in the Old Testament speak clearly and because of this, it's often hard for me to imagine or rather accpet that this killing of babies act was necessary for Christ to be move away from Bethleham and carry out his Kindgom ministry elsewhere. I find it hard to talk of the love of God and the vastness and deepness and wideness I believe it so encompasses when I think of babies being murdered...and taken from their families all for the preservation of the present coming King. Did these babies have to die in order for Jesus to live? Was this part of the OT prophecy (the killing of innocent babies)?

I'm reading a book right now that mentions this very subject, and the author questions this very aspect of God's love...wondering if it's something we really really need and want or something we simply give lip service to yet never fully try or attempt to understand. I love to think of the prodigal son when thinking of God's love, or Rahab's peculiar and complicated ethical actions that carried her faith to the cross. I also love thinking of Ruth who has become such an icon of obedience for me, and thinking of God's love for the last, lost, one sheep...struggling within the thicket. God's love is attractive in these situations. It's something I want to be a part of and to embrace and consume and digest. However, how was God's love present when He hardened Pharoh's heart into not letting Moses' (or God's) people go? This is one of the many problematic Bible stories where it seems like God is playing a really cruel trick: he scolds someone for evil, yet, He's the one supposedly responsible for hardening this person's evil heart. Why? To carry out love? If you have trouble reading what I'm writing go ahead and reread the Exodus story and see how God is portrayed by the writers.

I never want to not account for the incomprehensible minds of the writers of the OT and NT for they too were like you and me, and were not God and so could not possibly know what God thinks. Perhaps this is part of the mystery of knowing God and I shouldn't be concerned with knowing why b/c in reality, the only one to really know the answer to such a 'why' question would be God in the first place. I don't know. But it is pretty fascinating to think that the Christmas story, with all of its baby killing, stinky shepherd flock-gazing, and unlove and ungrace toward Mary and Joseph' entire immaculate conception dillemma, is still capable of capturing the thoughts of millions and the minds of Americans and the hearts of children. Coming out of so much pain and hatred and murder, you'd think the birth of Jesus wouldn't be as Hallmark-friendly as consumer America makes it out to be. But I guess a nativity scene complete with Herod and his bloodthirsty expression for Jesus-the-babe to be killed, and wise men that were not yet there, and shepherds who stunk, and Mary's uncertain expression of questioning whether or not this really is the Son of God she is holding in her arms, would not sell here in America. Love void of pain is what we want and that's what we've been getting for far too long I'm afraid.

And sadly, I wonder how much and how often I've settled for something of the same.

Why "Bad Boys 2" might be better than "The Royal Tennenbaums"

Ever since last spring when I took Dr. Ricke's fascinating, everyone-should-have-to-take-this "Shakespeare" course at Taylor, I've been thinking--on and off of course--about this very idea: why is it that the popular or mainstream or general wave of culture tends to be accepted, embraced by ignorant people (labeled that way by intellectuals) who aren't yet enlightened enough to know how the world really works (or better put, don't even care to know)?

For instance, I tend to be really hard on people who only like movies that everyone else likes or people who only watch movies like "Bad Boys 2" and "Blade: Trinity." In fact, up until last spring, I would say I was ignorant as to the importance of needing to watch movies like this. These movies make hundreds of millions and are seen by 70% of our country almost religiously, thus, couldn't they be said to be more influential (or reflective of society's real needs and wants) then movies like, oh...let's say "Magnolia?" Now, I hate what I just wrote but I think it's the truth. Wouldn't you have to agree if you really gave it some thought?

So, since last spring I've attempted to minimize the amount of "downplaying" of movies like "Bad Boys 2" b/c of how I believe this kind of attitude pulls me further and further away and makes me more and more out-of-touch with a culture that really does love to watch movies like this ("Bad Boys 2," "Exit Wounds," "XXX," "Star Wars 8")" ALL OF THE TIME. That's why they go to the movies. They don't want to go to try to find hidden meaning like why the camera captured only the hands of the people in a particular scene or how the mood of the movie really correlated to the colors used by the filmmaker--were they saturated or were they desaturated out? As one writer I'm reading right now would say, they go to find out one thing. Particularly, the point of it all--what is the point? The point of the movie: what is it? If it's ambiguous and weird like "Magnolia" the general public will hate it (emphasized place on the word "hate" in the previous sentence). If it's dry and dysfunctional and only funny to people who think suicide is funny, then once again, the general public will hate it (like perhaps "The Royal Tennenbaums," although I'm not suggesting the suicide scene was funny in this film, i'm just saying that people like me probably thought it was very telling or revealing of Luke Wilson's true character and people like my friend "Bob" think it's just freaky and weird and abnormal and totally "f-d" up). Like one of my Taylor professors used to say, "I don't go see movies to see reality--I go see movies to escape it. If I wanted to watch what it feels like to have your wife cheat on you [he was referring to "American Beauty" at the moment] I would turn on the TV, or talk to a friend or just look at the world around me and BE depressed." I never realized how right on this professor was...at least, when it comes to the feelings of MOST of society.

The truth is, the elitest crowd loves to gripe about how shallow and dull and ignorant and stupid and totally pathetic mainstream culture really is (and the people who consumingly buy into it) but let's be honest...what are we doing or they doing (am i part of the elite crowd? i'm not sure) to change or influence culture like these consumer movers and shakers are? Aren't we speaking and preaching to a choir, even though it's a choir that's about 1/100 of the mainstream size?

Which brings me to my personal dilemma (and the dilemma to all people sitting in a seat nearby me when it comes to popular culture): do I want to be a person who compromises knowledge and perfection for the sake of influencing the popular people or do i want to be a person who strives for knowledge and perfection even thought i'll eventually and probably end up alienating 90% of society, thus, having very very little influence (i.e., do I want to sing with "Destiny's Child" or "Sufjan Stevens"? It seems it's a 'damned if you do and damned if you don't' option and I don't like that at all.

Which brings me back to my original, opening sentence to which I think MIGHT be a solution (key word there is "a"). Shakespeare. I'll say it again, Shakespeare. He's one of the few people I can think of who made stuff that people who love "Bad Boys 2" would love and be entertained by and yet, pleased those hoity-toity people, those intellectuals and elite folks of society (while making fun of both classes simultaneously). That's why Shakespeare is so amazing. Not because today's scholars have said he is but because back in his day, he influenced the maximum number of people by realizing he had to please the poor and the popular as well as the proud and the elite. That is where his true genius lies in.

Thus, to the elite, I tip my hat...and to the popular crowd, I fart. Maybe it's not that difficult to do after all.

Blogging inspired by other blogs.

Lately, I've become more and more agitated with people within the Church who blatantly disrespect non-christians and are ignorant to any real issues human beings actually deal with. Every time I have these thoughts--I tend to process and play them out in my head...which helps b/c it makes me practice patience and grace-- I so want to just go crazy and be as ignorant or disrespectful to these Christians as they are being to others. Then I think that's not loving as I would want to be loved and so I don't.

But when comes the point when you have to stop being patient and sensitive and harmless, and really tell those you "love" what you really think? I was tempted to do this tonight. It was one of those times where you play out what might have happened if you would have said what you really wanted to say. I imagine (of course) every person in shock that I, Neville, could be so outspoken. What would they do with that? What would've happened if I had put them in the awkward position I so commonly feel they put me in?

Imperfection is the wound the Church possesses, yet, it's the one so many Christians are trying to run away from. What does that do to "normal" people who have problems and worries and get depressed and sometimes wish tomorrow would never come? Oh well, these people are abnormal, strange, confused, messed up, distraught, and ultimately "weird" as some of my Christian friends would put it. What is weird? If weird is what you mean when you say "weird" then I want to be weird b/c your idea of what is normal is so beyond rationale, it's practically inconceivable. Are you living on this planet? I would love to ask this person this question and expect a serious response/reply. But alas, I'm too timid and too reserved for my own good I suppose. Maybe I'll work up enough guts (like I did that one day last summer at Borgess, confronting the patient injustice that was going on in the face of angry nurses all around) but then again, maybe not. Give me time, and let me be. I'm sick of trying to fix and tip-toe around every thought that comes out of my mouth and so, perhaps in the coming weeks the real breaking point will come.

Oh and for those of you who are worried about me right now, don't be. I feel more calm and relieved having gotten some of this out than I have felt in days. Good night and thanks for reading my melodramatic inner turmoil thoughts/complaints/frustrations.

U2, Movies, and Mr. Ed

It amazes be that a band that's been around as long as U2 has been can still put out good songs, inside of a good album. I listened to their new CD "How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb" and was loving every bit of it. It's classic U2 stuff so if you're a fan of them at all, go ahead and do yourself a favor and get it. (Thank you Tara for enlightening me, again!)

Also, as the year is winding down and "Oscar" movies are slowly being released before Dec. 31st, I'm constantly fine-tuning my own top ten list (something i'm convincedonly serious film lovers do---i've come to realize/learn that it's not uncommon for you to say, "oh that's in my top ten!" about a current movie and have it be generally understood as an impressive, informative remark). Obviously, "Finding Neverland," "Kill Bill: Volume 2" and "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" are all part of my wonderful 10 best list (a list in progress), but I'm still holding out on a few more films...waiting to see if they sneak in under the radar and capture my enjoyment/delight. I'm obsessed, I realize this. But at least I'm not in denial.

The Show "Mr Ed" is on right now and I have to say that I really really really dislike this show. I realize it's an old show and so, it probably played better back then...but I'm not anti-B&W television shows nor am I anti-50s-era sit-com premises (heck, my favorite show of all time is "I Love Lucy") but this show really bothers me. Whenever I catch a minute of it, I find myself growing madly angry as I think "I will not laugh here even if it is so stupid and bad and horrible it's funny." I realize this is an unusual response to have to such a seemingly harmless show, but I suppose my thoughts are what they are. I just don't like the fact of a grown man constantly running to a horse for advice, and big friendly ear to hear his thoughts/complaints in life. It's a SIT-COM! I know, I know...but STILL, it's annoying and ridiculous and if I ever were to meet any of the people laughing on the show's laugh track in real life, I'd probably do something I would really regret.

What ever happened to the Incarnation?

Its nights like tonight when I wish I grew up Catholic.

After coming across two different postage stamps in our home (one having a happy snowman figure on it and the other a famous art piece of the virgin mary and jesus) I was rather disturbed to hear fellow loved ones talk down of the "catholic" stamps. Why aren't we using these ones more often? I wondered, thinking how the virgin Mary has never been and probably (sadly) will never be an icon for evangelical thinkers (an oxymoron, no...it's not, even thought it feels like it is most of the time). And then, I felt really upset. I don't like the fact of growing up without many icons. Sure, we have the empty cross but let's face it...our culture has kind of adopted this icon as their own and so, it doesn't really say much to wear an empty cross around your neck or in your ear, does it?

So why are these Catholic stamps looked down upon so much? I don't know. Probably b/c most of us don't have a clue as to how much we've "borrowed" from the Catholic tradition and think that we really are WAY WAY WAY different then them (which compared to American Catholicism, maybe we are...but still) when in all actuality, we're not. Whatever the reason, I'm sad to say that I was never raised to believe in the Virgin Mary as an religious icon and never shown how glorious and mysterious the Incarnation really was. Instead, these were merely doctrinal statements i recited in cachetism-memorization time in bible class and they carried no personal meaning to my faith, or my Protestant tradition.

Now, I'm not bashing my own tradition (or am I?) but I am merely saying how I wish and really long for a tradition that carries relevance as well as tradition, and is not just some cultural savvy and loopy and wishy-washy and anti-Catholic evangelical-type of tradition (that rejects any serious intellectual research). We humans were created far too complex to be told we can't ask the hard questions or believe in the mystery and power and wonder of the Incarnation. Both beliefs can exist within people, and I wish my evangelical compadres would get this through their heads. I love them so much, but I'll be the first to admit that this kind of stuff makes me want to do anything but love them...and that, for me, presents a big problem. After all, what's the point and title and theme of this whole blog anyway? Maybe I get off subject too much. Oh well. Good late night.

Some days, I wish I was a writer.

I wish I could be Annie Dillard for 2 hours, or Madeleine L'Engle for a week or so, or even David Sedaris perhaps...for about ten minutes. I realize that some of these wishes would require a sex change, but in my wishful thinking, I don't really include this as being part of the transformative package. I wouldn't necessarily need to "BE" them, I just want to know what it's like to think from their brain and deal with and play with words the way they seem to do so effortlessly.

I often find myself reading a book and think to myself, "I could write that!" However, the problem comes when I go to create a sentence or a story or a big big idea, and find myself using and re-using the same old words and phrases. It's kind of like even though my vocabulary may consist of let's say...3,000 words, I really only use about 200 of those when I write. I suppose it just takes time and I guess I need to remind myself that "Catcher in the Rye" and books like it were not written over night, and so, my writing done in sporadic, irrational and within less-than-an-hour time constraints shouldn't be great or spectacular pieces either.

Moving on to other topics, the other day I pulled my "paying with a credit card, yet refuse to sign the receipt" prank and saw my most animated response/reaction to date. The girl happily ran my credit card through, as my sister and I waited for the other girls to make our fruity blended smoothie. And then, when the receipt printed up, and she looked at me while handing me a pen saying, "Go ahead and sign here," I quickly took a few steps backward and held my hands up as if a policeman were raiding me for weapons or drugs or something hiding in my pockets. I proceeded to tell her that I "don't sign things" and how I wouldn't be able to sign this slip b/c I don't trust people having my signature, the probably-a-senior-in-high-school girl gave me a look I will never forget. She didn't speak...she only stared at me with disbelief. I liked to imagine she was thinking, "are you kidding me? come on jerk, sign the stupid slip" or "how am I going to explain this to my boss...the customer wouldn't sign his fricken' credit card slip!", but maybe that's just me being optimistic. After a few very awkward moments, as she held out the paper, pen and still pasted the "what's next, then?" look on her face which was directed straight at me, I told her I was kidding and she breathed out again for the first time in minutes. She smiled. I laughed. And as she said, "nobody's ever said 'no' before, so i didn't know what to do!" I felt a small, yet ironically huge rush of satisfaction build up inside of me. That I had been the first to say 'no,' and that now if anyone else would do this in the future, their efforts would be second-rate and pathetic at best. Anything that makes me feel like I'm different or better or more 'out there' than others, I embrace all-too quickly. I guess that's one of the ways I try so hard to be different and yet, really am no different then the next schmuck to pull a fast one on a restaurant cashier. Okay, I'm pathetic, I know it...but at least I'm telling you what I really think.

the perks of being a "Secular Humanist Worldview Thinker."

I never would have guessed it, but according to the experts over at www.worldviewweekend.com--who evidently majored in A Solid Biblical Worldview in college--I am a Secular Humanist Worldview Thinker. Now, many of you might fear that I would go nuts after reading my scores to their "check-your-worldview-and-see-how-good-a-Christian-you-really-are" test, but I didn't. Quite the contrary, I was flattered and actually encouraged! Thank goodness they classify me as that! Since I'm confident to know that my own views of Scripture factor into my worldview, and considering their size-me-up-in-30-minute test tells me I'm a godless young man, I'm guessing the middle ground of the two of these is probably a humanist-minded Christian who likes to listen to 'secular' music while reading his new testament and psalms Bible.

When I read my score (a 43% in possessing a SOLID BIBLICAL WORLDVIEW--hopefully my parents aren't reading this) I was so happy! I think I would've cried if I had scored much more b/c most of the questions were politically far right-conditioned, as opposed to purely Biblical. And besides, what the heck was that George W. Bush question/statement all about? I had no clue, so I put "NO OPINION" to which I'm sure they docked me many points for that.

In other news, I finally watched the disaster global warming movie "The Day After Tomorrow," and despite all the mixed reviews I heard, I was pleasantly surprised after watching it. Overacting. Melodramatic. Cheesy dialogue. Campy. Big. Disastrous. Special effects that are both eye-popping and ridiculously fake-looking. These are just a few of the ways I would describe this fun, watch-America-get-destroyed movie. Sure, the plot was hard to swallow, the acting was--thanks to the script--way too "What are we going to do now? --We're going to do our very best to survive!," but I STILL enjoyed it. Maybe it was b/c I hadn't seen any mainstream movies in awhile. Maybe it was because I really, deep down, wanted to see Los Angeles destroyed. Whatever the case, I'd be lying if I said I didn't semi-enjoy taking in and wondering if my own day after tomorrow would look something like the day after the day before today did. But I guess that's understandable considering I'm a secular humanist worldview thinker. Of course I'd like a movie about global warming! As far as the Solid Biblical Worldview Thinker crowd goes, global warming either doesn't exist or is God's way he will use to bring the end of the world into being. It could never be thought of as the result of careless Christian living, could it?

Too much writing for today. Good night fellow secular humanist worldview thinkers. I guess we all have a long way to go before Glory.

1 quarter down, 7 more to go.

after handing in two final papers today and taking my last final for the quarter, my excitement could barely be contained. i walked down Los Robles Avenue, shaking with giddy gladness at how i can't believe i'm done with every paper, every exam and every assignment. from then until i got in my car and jumped on the 210 freeway which was like a parking lot traffic jam, a smile seemed to be plastered onto my face after repeating the phrase, "i'm done, it's over, i'm FREE!" over and over internally. normally, traffic jams make me mad (as they do most people) but i doubt if even a "the freeway is now closed" sign could've ended my seemingly eternal grin. what can i say, i'm happy right now. can you tell?

oh and one more thing (mood change) that i came across reading last night that i wanted to share. as you know, i'm a big fan of anne lamott (author of "bird by bird" and "traveling mercies"). and last night, while doing research and flipping through pages of "traveling mercies," i came across this beautiful description of just how big God's love is for us all (Yvonne, have you read this yet???:)

Lamott writes, "The mystery of God's love as I understand it is that God loves the man who was being mean to his dog just as much as he loves babies; God loves Susan Smith, who drowned her two sons, as much as he loves Desmond Tutu. And he loved her just as much while she was releasing the handbrake of her car that sent her boys into the river as he did when she first nursed them. So of course he loves old ordinary me, even or especially at my most scared and petty and mean and obsessive. Loves me; chooses me."

All the more reason for my smiling to continue. Good night.

what you say, and how you say it.

first of all, everything i'm about to write i have a problem with myself. i just need to mention that in case i get too off the topic.

as you summer blog-readers might remember, nothing really upsets me more than people who get all bent out of shape over very tiny details, and who end up making other people miserable and guilty because of it. i think it's one of the most selfish things people can do to other people partly b/c it often goes untalked about or unaddressed, and the person rarely apologizes for their uncalled for response.

i'm speaking vaguely...i know, but this is what i mean simply: someone gets upset with you let's say and instead of just saying why they're upset with you, they treat you like you mean nothing and are a complete waste of a life. does this make sense? it's that kind of response that is unnecessary and even when i'm on the receiving end and may very well be wrong, i'm not sure why my apology has to be met with such a maliciously cocky tone. i can only apologize so much. when you still continue to treat me like as if i've yet to admit i was wrong, that hurts. this happened to me recently and it really bothered me. i wanted to say something, like, "i understand and see where i was wrong, but your way of handling it is totally inappropriate," but i didn't b/c i felt like it would've been disrespectful. maybe i should have said it. i don't know.

just a word out there to any parent readers (this didn't happen recently with a parent but i can see it carry over here) who may have teens in the house, please, be patient and have mercy on your kids when they screw up. and remember, how you handle your anger with them says way more than what you actually say. kids tend to remember tone or style over substance and what exactly was said. there's my tip for the day...coming from the "victim" in a similar situation that i really really disliked being caught up in. good night all.

confessions of a 4th grade sub.

today, i had my first opportunity to sub for elementary kids and i absolutely loved it. it was one of those days where at the end of it i thought, "maybe teaching 4th graders for the rest of my life really would be the best thing for me to do." the class i had was wonderful and respectful and just really a great group of kids. by the end of the day, i had 7 "secret" notes delivered to my desk (i say secret b/c some tried to not let me know they were putting them there, while others let me know for sure but failed to sign their name). anyways, it's hard to really do anything else but melt emotionally when you get letters from kids saying "i really like you as a substitute. thank you for being my friend," with a picture of yourself and them standing side by side smiling. am i just a sucker or do kids just have this magical, kiss-up/suck-up power with adults? it's like, what do you do when they've done all the work you assign, completed all the lessons you've taught, and still quietly come up to your desk and ask, "is there anything i can do to help you or anything that needs to be done [big smile inserted here]?"

a couple of the girls wanted hugs on the way out and i felt a little odd hugging these little girls with their parents standing right there wondering, "why the heck is my daughter hugging this strange man?" i simply smiled, and told them to hve a good weekend. i wonder what the kids will tell their parents when they ask why they were hugging the substitute teacher?

all in all, i just wanted to say what a joy it was for me. maybe teaching college-aged kids won't work out and i'll change directions in my future teaching aspirations? who knows. all i know is, these kids in this class have me wrapped around their little fingers...and i don't care one bit.

when nothing can be said.

occasionally, i'll come across a movie that will capture a family going through extremely horrific things, and will think to myself: "man, they have it bad." but later, as i think more on it, i get really frustrated.

i just saw a film that left me with that exact feeling. it was disturbing, personal, and quite possibly the most heart-breaking film i've ever seen...and it was a documentary (so it was all true, done as sort of an autobiography...which made it even more personal). so, as i'm seeing all this unfold of this guy's life and his upbringing in the last 1970s and 1980s, i can't help but think this: what do you say to someone or a family who's experiences are as awful as his were and still are? somehow, saying "God loves you" to someone who was raised around the knowledge of Jesus and God and the Church doesn't seem to go over so well....especially considering what they've been through.

yet, i found it fascinating (looking back now on the film) that the opening scene is over the filmmaker's mother...singing that ever-so-famous "This little light of mind!" while intermixing "Jesus" into the song in various places (i.e., "I'm gonna let it shine, for Jesus!" or something like that). now, i've seen the whole movie, the guy's whole story and the only question i really have is this: how can people who experience such things still let 'their light shine?' I'm guessing that was one of the many points the filmmaker wanted to get across, but still, it makes my heart ache to see things like this. i don't want to turn my head and act like they don't exist, but it's frustrating to watch and know that you can't do anything about it. it's one of the many times where i look up, shake my head, and wonder where in the world God is.

neville's random recommendations (beginning & ending, of course, with movies)

MOVIE OF THE LAST MONTH TO SEE= "The Motorcyle Diaries"

BOOK OF THE LAST MONTH YOU SHOULD READ (TIE)= >"On Beauty and Being Just" and "For the Beauty of the Earth"

SONG OF THIS MONTH YOU NEED TO HEAR= Explosions in the Sky's "First Breath After Coma" (downloadable from iTunes if you wish)from their album Earth is Not a Cold Dead Place

THEOLOGIAN WHO MIGHT BE MY NEW BEST FRIEND= Hans Kung

WHAT I'M CURRENTLY THINKING A LOT ABOUT= As you might guess from above, how beauty has been left out of most Protestant churches over the past few hundred years and how this has affected many Christians' thinking / perspectives / beliefs / theories on art. We need more of a balance when it comes to beauty in our American churches today. Sadly, most of the Protestant / Evangelical churches look like gigantic C.E.O. offices and business organizations, rather than a place of worship. Whatever happened to sacred icons IN our churches?

MOVIE OF THIS MONTH TO SEE= "The Incredibles" ...because it's Hollywood ironically doing what it does best: criticizing a culture it so often helps to negatively influence by telling America that being great and doing great things is not something to be ashamed of (i.e., see recent news stories on validictorians at high school graduations...it's just really getting ridiculous). So, it couldn't be more pertitent for a film as beautiful and as timely as "The Incredibles" to hit theaters. Thank God for movies. Good night.

thankful.

at thanksgiving every year, we always take time to go around the table and tell what we are thankful for. this year, my dad decided that we should first tell what we are thankful for in terms of "sensory experiences." meaning, of touch, taste, sight, sound, smell...what are some of our most memorable ones (when it comes to things in our lives) that we're thankful for. i shared one but wanted to mention 3 here b/c i thought it was such a good thing to think on this year.

1. The Upland, Indiana night sky...where the stars are so full and scattered it makes the city life just a tad more sad. there's no replacing the beauty of blackness with specks of shiny whiteness seeping through to the surface. it's one thing i miss a lot being in california...stars are more of a rarity there (thanks to the smog).
2. Every Halloween in middle school and high school, my mom would make this apple cider stew of good smells, and it would simmer low on the stove creating one of the most beautiful Fall smells i've yet to encounter.
3. Although I'm not a big fan of running, I must admit that running at night, where the air runs through me as I gaze up at the mountains between the Valley in California, it's really an overwelming sight and sound and touch that i experience. my ears hear the breeze, my arms and legs and shoulders feel it and when i close my eyes tight enough, i like to think that my eyes can see it.

The mystery and beauty of creation. This year, it's pretty high on the list.

there's no place like home.

i'm not sure what that means but just as zach braff's character in "garden state" muddled through his own life wondering what "home" really was to him, i continue to do the same.

the time reads 2:45 a.m., and yet, my body thinks it's 11:45 p.m. i feel a certain peace here in michigan...a kind that comes when i'm alone and no sound but the living room mantle clock lingers to and through my ears. i love this peace and think that it probably won't be there forever. i've talked to friends recently about this idea of "home," and how the older you get the more it seems to be just a sad, imaginary place that you can never return to really. i don't want that to ever be the case, but i think it just might be inevitable.

of course like many people my age, i am not without my fare share of bad childhood memories. however, one good memory came to mind tonight and i couldn't make it go away (nor did i really want to, i think). the image of my siblings and i, double-buckled up in our big, brown, ugly, 1985 station wagon, headed off from greenville, south carolina to houston, texas. i sit in the back back seat (we called it "the caboose") and stretch my feet up high enough to rest them on the bottom of the back window. my sisters do the same, our toes greeting passing cars with chorus-line-sways back and forth with the help from our heels. there's a cassette tape of 'wee-sing-a-long' songs playing and of course b/c of that, we all are singing along, knowing every lyric and beat in between the catchy rhymes and age-old lullabies. our lives are uncomplicated, as our greatest fear seems to be "what we will do for fun now?" we are free to imagine, unlimited in our traveling adventures and on the road for hours and hours and hours. i look back and wonder how the time passed by so un-noticably by all of us. our smiles were mutual and seemed to strengthen one another as we'd put on shows for passing cars, or short SNL-like acts we would "get" but they would not. i remember pretending to be a mannequin-statue-like human, seeing if we could fool drivers into believing we weren't real human kids. like somebody picked us up at a local garage sale or something and decided to just throw us in the "caboose" and let us klunk and clink around for awhile with our facial and physical expression/motion held ever so solemn and still. i miss these days. i miss them b/c they are a part of my definition of "home." perhaps home isn't just a place but it's something more. all i know is, i'm missing it more and more every new day.

did i mention i love brennan manning?

i got to hear brennan speak for the first time this morning at azusa pacific's chapel and he was all that i thought he should be. i think i'm always needing words from him to bring me back into focus with Christ and the centrality of His message for our lives. it's just funny how quickly i seem to forget them. maybe i'll revist "ruthless trust" or "a glimpse of jesus," sometime soon. his books were part of my spiritual wake-up call last last spring while in L.A., so perhaps i should bring them back into my life a bit.

his big message/theme (as it always is) were these two questions: "do you believe God loves you?" and "do you believe God likes you as a person...just as you are and not as you should be?". i'm still dealing with that second question day by day.

happy friday. happy weekend. by the next post, i'll be cozying up in my home back in michigan. i'd be lying if i said i wasn't thrilled.

jump God, jump!

it's funny (and sad, to be honest) how often i find myself quietly hoping and praying for something from God and expecting it to miraculously come my way with no will or action on my part. it's like praying to run into someone at Starbuck's who's really cool and yet, never going into Starbuck's to begin with. and then, on top of this, i find myself getting angry at God asking, "why didn't you let me run into any cool people at Starbuck's?"

obviously, this is not what i'm asking for and i hope you catch my very poor analogy on the subject of what i'm really talking about. it's like we hold these very very unreasonable expectations over God's head and we say, "come on God...just do it (i.e., "jump God, jump!")!!!" and we wholeheartedly expect He should. like we deserve it or something. it reminds me of a taylor philosophy professor and how he recalled always praying that he wouldn't run out of gas when he was getting very low and in the middle of nowhere. he couldn't believe he, of all rational people, would expect God to produce some magic extra gas just b/c he willfully allowed it to get that low in the first place. i'm all for faith, believe me...but it seems sometimes, i can get way to wrapped up in the extraordinary and forget that much of what i do depends on what i choose to do. i know i know, it's called free will...but isn't it funny how a lot of the time we don't want the free will to choose but want someone else to decide for us so we can still complain about how crappy and bad and horrible the circumstances in our lives really are?

"i would NEVER wear somebody else's pants!"

ah, the joys and wonders of substitute teaching at a bratty, inland empire southern california christian high school. today, mr. williams was out sick (because of his students? possibly) and today, i decided to wear my grandpa pants that look very "in" and 60's-retro-urban-fashion-conscious and hold that "polyester is not dead!" flare to them. anyways, just when i thought it was okay to wear such a thing in such a workplace, i was told "those are some cool pants! i'm gonna have to get me some of those!" (NOTICE: at first, i thought this little stuck-up sophomore was being facetious, but then i realized he really wanted to know). "Oh, actually I got them at a garage sale in Michigan last summer for $2. i think they belonged to this grandpa but since they have a small hole in them they wanted to get rid of them," I replied. and that's when it happened.

the boy's post-pubescant face turned sour with disgust, and he took a step or two away from mr. william's desk while beginning to whine and cry out, "Oughahahgh! You're wearing some old guys' pants! that's sick!!" i was "slightly" surprised and taken a back. "excuse me?" i asked him. "You're wearing some other person's pants! How can you do that! I would never be caught dead wearing someone else's pants!"

Now, I must be honest...a huge part of me wanted to take this little kid out. I wanted to expose something about him in front of his peers (i.e., maybe "oh yeah, well the kid in the abercrombie sweatshop who was making and sowing your shorts together ran around with them on naked for hours and hours before shipping them to the store!") or something like that. i wanted to tell him how silly and pious and ridiculous and snobby it was of him to hold to such a position. i wanted to give him directions to the local goodwill and force his parents to buy him nothing but clothes from there from now on. i wanted his little stupid high school mind changed, now!

BUT, my reactions were reserved into a kind "that's ridiculous," while the rest of the class explained how stupid that was of him to think. after a person offered up the "you can wash clothes, you know?" idea up to this kid, i felt like my mind raves were not needed anymore and so, decided to think about other things. was it just being around high school kids that made me so angry? or was it the fact that this was a christian high school and i was hoping (stupidly?) for a little more humility among students?

maybe after overhearing a conversation in a previous class where this was uttered by one senior student..."my bible teacher said that if you say 'oh my God,' it's the only sin that God won't forgive! and the only reason you all don't know that is b/c you're just freshmen!" while i then try to intervene and say "i think that's a misinterpretation of Matthew 12:32," and they all look at me like, "what's a misinterpretation????" or maybe i've finally lost my little mind. if that's the case, it seems sort of funny i guess...that it took a christian high school to do it for me. like, THAT was what made me go 'over the edge!'

yet, now that i think about it, i guess that's not so shocking or crazy after all. is it?

snowing leaves in southern california.

Southern California is often knocked for its near seasonless seasons but i would beg to differ. For instance, this afternoon--after running errands what felt like all morning and all day--i went for a run down 18th street, where the leaves have all basically turned to either red, yellow or an off-green color and are falling as we speak. the longer i ran, and the more windy it got, the more the leaves fell to the ground in huge sweeps...slow like snowflakes yet so much more beautiful in their own way then snowflakes. their huge, big, bright shapes bursting with color cluttered the sky on 18th street, blowing into cars and onto sidewalks alike. i ran through the falling leaves and felt a few land on my head, until a wind would catch them and blow them down to the ground. as i looked up in awe, seeing the sky turn bright behind the falling leaves, i felt grateful. Grateful to be in California, to be watching a sight like this, to be breathing in the crisp Fall air, and to be moving through time and air and spaces as the leaves fall from trees they've been connected to for so long. it was a very beautiful moment...quite possibly the highlight of my week.

thou shalt not dance. thou shalt not drink.

I'm just curious but do you think it's "okay" for a church to regulate what its leaders and small group leaders can do (i.e., let's just say for example the regulation of alcohol consumption or dancing at weddings)? Like, is it biblically-based to hold to such standards especially if persons under such standards feel they're extra-biblical and therefore, not necessarily essential?

Last night at small group we got into this discussion after I found out that the southern baptist denomination has these types of rules (or variations of them) and that just scared me a bit. I'm all for people being "above reproach" in living out their lives but I'm not sure it's biblical to set standards that YOU believe to be above-reproach-living that the Bible doesn't really ever address. We didn't get into a real deep discussion about it but many of them (new believers, so this seemed foreign to them) were wondering why in fact our church does hold this to be true. Is it just b/c of our southern baptist affiliation? I don't know. All I know is that my church may appear to be adding stuff to the Church standards and then telling everyone it is one of the essentials (which it's not)! Oh well. I'll be dancing some tonight in the car on the way home but thankfully, I'm not with my small group from church and so therefore, it's not wrong. However, if we all were in the car dancing together, then THAT would be a TOTALLY different story!!! (sense the sarcasm mixed with cynicism?)

Yikes.

those wonderful teenage years.

i went to a play yesterday where i used to intern at (my supervisor hooked me up) and sitting next to me was this family (parents and two kids: one boy, one girl) which was a little odd b/c most people attending this show were anywhere from 40-65. the son was 17-ish, the daughter was 12-ish, and as i listened to their pre-show talk and intermission family discussions, i was pained to see something that troubles me so much nowadays: a parent trying to get to know their teenage son/daughter. now, when i say this i mean that it breaks my heart basically to see high schoolers basically ignore and scoff and roll their eyes at their parents' honest attempt to understand their lives. for instance:

"Who are you doing your senior project with?" mom asks.
"I don't know," son replies.
"When is it due?"
"Not sure."
"Didn't that girl Tracy say at church she'd want to help you out with it?"
"Maybe."
"Well are you going to ask her?"
"I don't know."
"Well it's coming up right?"
"Yeah."
"How long do you think it will take you?"
"I don't know mom!"

at this, the mom's face is overwelmed and frustrated to say the least. the dad looks over at her, disappointed...as the son slouches into "ignoring mode" and puts his hand up near his face to communicate nonverbally that "this conversation is over."

i've seen this happen a lot lately, and i don't know why it bugs me so much. i was like this to some extent in high school and so part of me wants to just talk to these kids and listen to their lives since they feel like their parents just "don't understand them." it's hardest i'm sure for the parents, who feel that their yesterday little 9-year-old beloved son is now the one person in the world who can't stand being around them. why this causes me such distress and makes me sit and think and try to understand what's going on here..i'll never know. are the parents just too controlling? overbearing? suffocating the kid? trying too hard to connect? not listening enough? i don't know. i know most parents mean well, but i also know that there still is a general generation gap that comes once one hits that certain age. i just wish i could understand it a little better...and i'm sure most parents do too.

thank God for tears.

okay, you know i'm an emotional person and that i cry at some things that not even a little four-year-old girl would cry at, but today i was walking to class and was wondering why we, as humans, cry. it's really odd when you think about it..that such deep sadness produces a form of salt-water liquid that comes from our eyes (what we use to "see" things) and that they pour out of us when our emotional well-being is set off balance. i was thinking how fascinating it was that tears came from our eyes and not from our ears or nose or anywhere else. if i'm listening to a song and for some reason, the words or the way the piano keys are touched, makes me start to cry, why do the tears come from my eyes? is it so other people can see part of who we are...the frail part that so often try and guard? are we simply vulnerable little human beings running around pretending not to feel anything that would make us care or feel or move us to tears? does it come from our eyes because with our eyes we can communicate so much sadness or so much joy? i don't know. i have no idea. i'm not a psychologist or therapist or expert in emotions, but like i said...as i was walking in downtown pasadena today, with eyes red from crying in the car minutes prior to this, i began to really feel grateful for tears. i remember the scene in "IN AMERICA" that has touched me repeatedly...the scene where finally, the father cries for the first time in years for his lost, now-dead son. there's something freeing and terrifying about that moment. although i can't explain it, i guess i can feel gratitude for yet another one of God's many emotional gifts to us that we definitly don't deserve.

mr. "W" is back.

i was wrong i guess. i thought kerry was going to win and yet, it looks like "W" made a much more comfortable win for himself this time around. i'm happy he won the popular vote (and technically, the majority of americans' vote---even clinton didn't get that, but that probably had to due with voter turn out...but still) and i'm also happy it's not going to go on for another 2 months. hopefully, the news media will catch the "election is over" drift, and stop reporting on it. i'm not sure about you, but since it started early this spring with Al Sharpton claiming he was gonna run, i've been waiting for it to end and just be over. go "W," and let's start turning things around for the better. au revoir.

love is need you all!

i was thinking about the beatles' wonderful song "all you need is love," today after hearing "let it be" while driving about this morning. then for some odd reason, i got to thinking about that hypothesis with one or many of their songs that if you play them backward, there are certain hidden meanings there. so i thought, "what does that song title say backward?" after writing it, i kind of chuckled to myself. "love is need you all." now, i was born and raised for the first half of my life in beautiful greenville, south carolina, so, this wording doesn't seem as foreign to me as it may to some of you. when i read it, it goes something like, "love is NEED...y'all!" that's just the way my brain has learned to translate southern-sounding-sentences i guess.

but anyways, once i wrote that and looked at it, i got to thinking how i like that title much more than the beatles' one i think. i go back and forth on whether or not the idea that "all you need is love" is true or not. somedays i say 'yes,' and i think of God's love as being more than enough and more than all we need; other days i think, "no way is that enough---b/c that's just the beginning of what people need!" either way you look at it, i'm torn between believing and disbelieving in this beatles' title song. the reason i think that maybe the backwards title would fit more appropriately is b/c love is a need. when people don't experience it or don't know it or don't see it somewhere resting in themselves, they're dying. love is one of those few "wants" that is also a "need," and so, it becomes one big obstacle in life to try and give love away and receive love in return.

now, i know you (as a reader) can tell that i believe loving people is hard. for the most part, i think this b/c it seems to be the biggest problem i'm constantly dealing with in life: loving people as a whole. not just the ones who love me back but the ones i can't stand to be around too. these people are the real challenge.

recently, a wonderful woman (you know who you are) paid me the overly-kind compliment-in-the-form-of-a-question, saying, "how can someone like you who seems to love people so well think it's so hard?" now i must admit, at first, this made me feel proud. "yay me!" i thought to myself. then, i felt a sting that no one really likes to feel. it's the sting that reminds you where you've fallen short and not been as wonderful as the compliment you just received said you were. i began to think about all the people i had talked bad about that day and all the gossip i had fed and all the people i didn't like who i lived amongst, and how, this really didn't bother me that much. after these thoughts, i wanted to tell this woman the truth. the reason i think loving people is hard is b/c i'm only good (if that) at loving people who love me already, despite myself. and you don't have to be a biblical scholar teaching at fuller or bethel seminary to know that that isn't real impressive when it comes to following God's second greatest commandment. i keep trying to find somewhere in the bible where it excuses my unlove for people i don't like, but there are no such places and so, i guess i have to keep trying to love and realize that even though i may dislike this person beside me very very much, their need for love is just as worthy and vital as mine. grace is given to both of us, even though i don't understand really way. maybe it's b/c we'd both be too selfish to dispense it ourselves? i don't know. all i know right now is that this post is way too long and i hope that everyone who is reading this is having a wonderful weekend.

oh, and have fun in bolivia nate. i hope you see God in a big but different way. good night.

small group stuff.

okay, so it's my second time attending the mosaic movie small group (or "life group" as they're called here at Mosaic) and i hate to admit this, but i think i'm going to love it. at tonight's get together, we played games, talked about TV shows i had never seen, and collectively as a group, i was psychoanalyzed at the end as to what myers' brigg 4-letter tempermant i was. it's pretty neat to have people who don't know you, don't know your background, your family, or anyone else related to you, try and "pick" you out and "place" you into categories from only two casual, short visits. at the end of a much heated scattegories game (i was willing to bend the categories more than one or two people wanted to---for instance, when the subject was "STATES"...and the letter had to start with "B", no one else came up with a state that began with the letter "B", but I casually and confidently said I wasn't thinking in terms of states as in America, and that I was thinking in more of philosophical "states" of mind and such. of course, they didn't know me well enough to know that i was half-kidding, but anyways, so I answered/offered "BEING" as my answer.) to my surprise, they all were shocked and said things like, "i've never thought of that...but yeah, that makes sense! wow! so creative!"....i was giggling on the inside, even though i was personally convinced that "yes, it did make sense, and it was a perfectly good answer!"

so as i was saying, later, after game-playing was done for the night, two people in the group quickly asked me if i knew what my myers' brigg tempermant was. i said i did and they were like, "okay wait, let us guess!" and so i did. they both thought i was INTP, which is funny if you know what that means (I'm ENFP the last time i checked but think the E might be an I now actually). they both said i was a "P" (perceiving) b/c i didn't seem to like to play by the rules and always was seeking away from "J" (justice/judgement). interesting observation, right? then they thought i was "T" (thinking) primarily b/c of my stretched and "out of the box" answers. which, is just really funny b/c i'm probably extreme "F" (feeling---opposite of thinking) and so it struck me as humurous that they would say that. obviously they had never seen me at the end of watching a movie like "about schmidt," or "finding nemo." anyways, i found the night to be a complete delight. there's something just downright hilarious when people get you so right and when they get you so wrong, when it comes to what kind of personality you are. it's like you can shocked and appalled at the same time. whatever. all i know is, it was a very funny evening. hope yours was equally enjoyable. good night.

skipping around on a bike.

i've been meaning to do one of these two things for awhile, and yesterday, the urge was finally put into practice. i haven't been outside, officially bike-riding in a very long time. like, maybe two years or more. so yesterday afternoon, i decided to give it a whirl and soak up the unusually cool and Fall-smelling breeze of Upland, California and go for a ride. on my way out of the driveway, i thought about one more thing that i hadn't done in a long time that---like bike-riding---i did a lot of when i was little: skipping! now, i haven't tried to "skip" in years so when i tried it in the Guge's driveway, i was laughing outloud at myself (no one else around but i'm sure there were a few 'rear window'-window-eye-balling folks who were scratching their head wondering what this 22-year-old guy was doing skipping by himself down a driveway)...and it was a pretty great feeling to experience again. kind of like a nostalgic throw-back song from 1995, that when you hear it, you immediatly think of junior high and all your friends thinking it was the greatest song in the world. now, it seems to be somewhat forgotten.

after skipping for about 20 seconds (i got tired real fast), i hopped on the bike and realized just how much heavier i am now compared to when i was my scrawny 8-year-old self. balancing was weird, going up hill was like pulling teeth for my legs, and i suddenly got the horrible-yet-okay feeling that i was indeed getting older. yes, yes, i'm melodramatic about the entire thing, but i just found it funny that yesterday was the first of two things that had left my life for a seemingly long time and that when i came back to them, i felt old and wanted to be a kid again. and then i realized the irony yet again---when you're a kid, you want nothing more than to be an adult, and when you're an adult you usually want the opposite. another one of life's great paradoxes...and on that note, i'll leave you. but please, try skipping sometime this week if you haven't lately. it's such a weird thing to do and when you think of what you're actually doing while you're doing it, i guarantee you'll have a laugh or two. ok, good day.