Psycho

You should try listening to some really intense instrumental music whenever you next post to your blog. Right now, I'm listening to the theme song to "Psycho," starring Janet Leigh and Anthony Perkins and it is hilarious. I keep bobbing my head from side to side, and picture myself driving alone with some scary police car following me. And my eyes stare into the movie camera---penetrated, focussed, and frightened.

It doesn't do wonders for inspiring good thoughts worth reading on a blog though. Oh well, songs over. Happy hump day.

There's something to be said for the day or moment or second you finally realize your walk is not matching your talk. The time when everything and everyone gets to look at you---the real you---and see that your shortcomings and mistakes are, in a word, hypocritical. I know we all have many times in our lives where these times come up but how often is the evidence so blatantly contrary to how we say we live? How often does the evidence make our insides turn, our minds cramp up, and our heart sink and sink and sink?

I had one of these surreal moments this past weekend. The ones you tell yourself you will never have, because you are a good Christian. A good, balanced Christian. But I guess even Christians should never say never. Because when you do, you find yourself doing exactly what you told yourself you would never do. After this whole escapade occurred, the smell of justice was in the air and my name was up. And then I finally got what my self-righteous attitude had coming to it: a wake-up-and-smell-the-reality check.

And for the first time in my life, I woke up from a night of drinking---way too much, of course---and realized I had puked somewhere between the time of getting undressed for bed and the time I lay sloshed and sound asleep, on top of my blankets. And then I saw the trash can sitting next to my bed I did not put there, and the towel under my face hiding the puke I evidently spew up hours earlier that I also did not put there. Which was enough evidence to make me think: one of my friends did this for me and so, they know!! They know how pitiful and ridiculous and pathetic I looked at 3 a.m. lying fast asleep, unconsciously munching on bits of vomit spattered all over my pillow. I became the evidence that my words could not hide over anymore, and it felt unnervingly shameful.

But I guess we all need these moments that remind us again of how fallible we are. We need to be told again and again that 'yes, you are imperfect and you still make mistakes and you still are failing to live up to what you speak.' But it sure is difficult facing this fact. Especially when you're the one everyone's looking at. Like a dried up french fry you find under your car seat looking undesirable and cold and just plain pitiful, I felt like I was even smaller than this.

And so, to reach a new level in how-small-can-I-be, I decided to write you all this and confess via the blog world of just how stupid and selfish I really can be.

Even in China.

Blogger is so much better than Xanga.

It feels good to be back. Even if no one is out there, it's nice to hear and see my voice illuminated by the blogger template rather than the annoying xanga one. Although I will try to keep up with xanga blogs I like to read, I don't know how well I'll do with keeping up at posting there now that I can post here instead.

Happy Weekend. Bye.