first round of fuller classes down, a few more to go.

okay, many have asked how classes are and i've been waiting to get back to people b/c they didn't start until just yesterday (tuesday). now, i've had each one of my classes at least once so I wanted to give a run down on them real quick.

systematic theology I: anthropology & more "ology" words I can't remember---this class i thought i would hate but i think i will like it. it's taught by this finland professor who speaks not-so-good english yet has an incredible heart for the Lord.

new testament 1: gospels---this class will be good...kind of like bib. lit. 2 from taylor, just supercharged. already i think i've had more reading than i had for the entire semester in taylor's bib lit class. yeaahhyyy!

christian apologetics---this class, i already love. i had it this evening and it was three hours of wonderful lecturing and class discussion on faith, reason, art, music, and how God is not above being in all things. many students spoke out and talked about God using "secular" music to change some Christian's hearts and then, one bright young female student spoke out claiming, "isn't just the fact that we divide our lives into the sacred and the secular signal something bad in our culture? don't you think we shouldn't attribute things as "secular" or "christian" b/c in the end, everything can be redeemed?" spoken like a true A.W. Tozer advocate, the rest of the class agreed and we went on. i never liked the idea of a CD being "christian" or "secular." on the one hand, it's insulting human beings who are in fact christians (christian Cd's will not be going to heaven). on the other hand, it gives the "secular" Cd's no chance at even receiving the gift of Jesus and of eternal life. so that alone should give us cause to throw out the words, right? everyone (and thing?) should have the chance to accept jesus as their saviour....even those "secular" cd's. my work here is done. good night.

sister.

"A good name is better than fine perfume, and the day of death better than the day of birth. It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of every man; the living should take this to heart." --Ecclesiastes 7:1-2

I did the really horrible and un-purpose-driven-approach to the Bible today and found myself opening up randomly to Ecclesiastes where my eyes were drawn to much scribble and underlining in the bottom middle of the page. There, the two verses quoted above leaped out at me and made me shut the book only seconds after opening it. It seems I've been hit with the idea of death a lot lately, as I've thought about how much society and the Church in general, seems to avoid death and dying and hurt and pain. If I were ever to be a Pastor, I think the one thing I'd be confident in doing now would be to visit the sick--especially the elderly--in hospitals. I know many people who become pastors probably dread this aspect of their ministry, but I think working at the hostpial has helped me see how much I would value this part of the pastor's responsibilities. When it comes to suffering alongside other people and being there for the elderly who feel alone and abandoned, I think most people--like myself--feel inadequate...like they have nothing to offer. But if you spend any great length of time in a hospital, you come to realize that when you come to be with someone who's sick or dying, "being with them" is the most important part of the visit.

This summer, towards the end of my time at the hospital, I started to do this with a few people who were sick and hurting on our floor and who were going to be there for at least weeks, and perhaps may end up dying there. One woman in particular--a nun, who's name escapes me at the moment (I just called her 'sister')--remembered a time where I stopped to chat with her while I was in the middle of mopping her room floor and the next day, proceeded to ask for me by name (she rememberd it, even though I had said it to her just once the day before). So then, every day for the last few days I was working at Borgess, I made a 5-10 minute stop by this dear sister's bedside and held her hand, and just talked with her. It was something I would've never thought to have done years ago, but now, after working there for a few years, you start to realize how so many people just want someone to listen to them for a few minutes, and that, for that moment, is all they really need. So there we are, Sister (who's in her early 80's) and I, holding hands, with a small crucifix dangling in between her fingers. And as we sat and she talked and told me of how she was doing, I couldn't help but watch the crucifix and think of how much this little icon meant to this frail, little child of God. I sat there, admiring her, respecting her and then came to feel the rewarding sense one gets when one gives rather than takes. I couldn't help but notice how far I was from the kind of faith she posessed, yet, I also couldn't help but think that it was okay to be where I'm at and to realize that it takes time and effort and patience and much love, to grow to love God the way she has. And for tonight, I think that is enough.

a guy named Rob...and the L.A. freeway.

there's something distinctly personal when a city with more than a billion people in it can still manage to make you feel like you matter and that maybe, it's okay to call it your home. whether that's having right of way to the ever-ending freeways of L.A., or just feeling a sense of worth in a city consumed with political correctness, it's pretty refreshing to think you contribute to that billion+ population of people. i'm not sure exactly why it's refreshing, but it is nonetheless.

tonight, i went to my first L.A. get together with some friends from my internship and some of their friends and despite me not wanting to go at all, i have to admit, i had a pretty wonderful time. thank you to all who encouraged me to go.

now, this may be a bold statement, but i think a lot of people who choose freely to think as little as possible look forward and wait all the work-week to attend these weekend parties where their consumption of alcohol or cigarettes or the combination of both excuses them from behaving rationally. i just find it very funny when people who do this act almost the same without the consumption of any of these to begin with. tonight, there was one such guy named Rob and although he said no more than 20 words the entire night, his ice throwing at certain females (despite several demands from others to "STOP IT!") and wanting to go swimming when no one else is wearing a swimsuit and constant eye-glazed-over look on his face that lends itself to the "i'm good looking, don't you think?" stare expression AND his constant obsession with laughing at all the wrong times and intervening in conversation at all the wrong moments, makes me wonder how a guy like this does in the world outside of saturday night parties. when monday morning rolls around, and the time has come to be responsible, i can't help but picture Rob, sitting in his little cubicle, throwing paper airplanes over into other cubicles, giggling with glee as fellow employees "SSSH" and scoff at Rob's weekend-party ways.

clear the mind.

i'm constantly wondering and thinking about my time in L.A. back in 2003 and wondering why it was so great. much of it had to do with the release of being attached to certain responsibilites--whether that be volunteering for a campus ministry or attending meeting after meeting after endless meeting--and much of it had to do with other things. i was in an unfamiliar place, yes, and there's something to be said for that i think. when you are stripped of who you are, unable to be defined any longer by the people you call friends, something very strange happens. i think you either abuse the nakedness of yourself and your vulnerability, or you accept it and learn how to make it through without falling apart. the latter is what i think i did, and when i realized i didn't fall apart, i think that's what made my time so meaninful and fulfilling and important to me. when you're stuck in the middle of two places, not really having somewhere to call home, you're forced into meaning or forced into numbness. i think L.A. last last spring was the first time i was put in a place like that, and i didn't choose numbness. does that make sense?

it's funny to talk about this L.A. memory like this b/c here i am again, not wanting to relive the same thing but trying to figure out how this time will be different from the last. granted, i'm a year and a half older, and i'm still being told again and again (yet, i choose not to hear it) that love is worth the risk. i write those words but i don't think i believe them b/c so many instances of the past year have revolved around love not being worth it to me. let me try to explain without getting too personal.

last weekend, i had one of those amazing moments, where I was confident God was real and existed and that maybe, i wasn't the only one going through something hard. i think as a 22-year-old, part of your job is to play the role of thinking the world has it easier than you do, and that often, few understand how bad you really have it. yet, when i enter into someone else's time and attempt to listen to their own world and how it sucks for them, i think that maybe we all are just really screwed up and in need of one another. we need to touch each other--not b/c of our sexual nature but b/c of our human nature--and it's this very thing i think i don't (and the world) doesn't do enough of. now, don't label me as a sensitive-Jesus-wannabe-hippee just yet b/c there's one more thing i wanna say (soapbox time).

i went to a movie today, alone, and in the theater, there were 8 other people who were alone too. that may seem like none except that there was only one couple other than us 9 there. this got me thinking: what is going on with the world? why are we constantly becoming more and more isolated? in the movie i was watching, the guy and girl were having a conversation about if the world was becoming better or if the world were really as sucky as everyone thinks it is. the guy said it was getting better, the girl said it was getting worse. and as i thought about it, i wondered where i fit. was i a hopeful, Jesus-loving optimist, constantly reminding myself that the best was yet to come OR was i the one holding people down, making them deal with things they don't like and making them listen to ugly things and facts about the world? i think i go back and forth, but really, this all goes back to L.A. a year and a half ago. then, i was thinking like a winsome optimist, full of hope and everything. now, i'm not so sure. i want to believe that so much but after sitting in a theater by myself with 8 other people who were just as alone as me, i wonder. sorry for going off a bit, but i needed a little bit of flushing out of the head right now. there's much going on up there even if this post doesn't reflect just that. good night.

seminary orientation?

i don't know why, but whenever anything labeled "orientation" comes along, i tend to retreat into my psyche and avoid talking to most people. i try and avoid the conversations i'm so sick of having and for a day or so, attempt to go and learn and hear information from a bunch of older people who run the school, telling me about where not to park and what to do if my financial aid money drops out on me. i'm a cynic and have a very bad attitude as you can tell. however today, i think God was out trying to prove me wrong, again. as the 10 hour was creeping up on me, and another meeting was bleeding painfully into the next (overly dramatic? yes, i am. thank you for noticing), i began to let go of my stiff, stare-at-the-wall-and-act-like-you-don't-see-this-other-seminarian-guy-looking-at-you-and-wanting-to-talk attitude and let up. the guy's name was mark and he was about 32 years old and wants to be a bible teacher. as we got to talking over a quick dinner, i realized this guy mark was one of those, "hey brother, that's great!" kind of guys and my skepticism quickly sunk in. then came my cynicism and then, of course, my critical spirit. but oddly enough, i could not not like this guy. he was one of those sincere people who hung on every word you said and always seemed to respond with "wow, our God is amazing, isn't he Neville." granted, we just met 3 minutes ago, so it struck me a little odd that we were already on first-name speaking terms. the conversations went back and forth and slowly but surely, mark got to me. by the end, i started to actually really want to know what was going on in his life. normally, i would look at a person like this and have a field day in my mind as to how too perfect they really are. yet today, as i said, i think God was getting a little sick of me acting all high and mighty and decided to throw someone who heard me and listened to me as if we had known each other for years. i normally don't like that type of approach from people i've just met, but tonight, i didn't seem to mind it.

before i knew it, i was talking to the entire table and mark seemed to have brought the other me out in the open for the first time. i was laughing and finally having a good time. call me cheesy or crazy but i was. the last hour and a half of this 12 hour+ day filled with meeting after meeting couldn't have ended more perfectly. so now, i guess i'm not completely down on orientation days. even though i still think they create some of the most awkward moments in the world. maybe that's a blessing though. i don't know. good night brothers (and sisters).

encountering the forever happy person.

you ever talk to someone who no matter what you say, seems to find something positive about it? for instance, i've been having some real problems with two fillings i got a few weeks ago at the dentist and when relaying this to a dentist receptionist out here she seemed to hear only good things. "oh you found out why your teeth have been hurting for so long and why they will hurt for 6 months more?--that's great!" the dentist receptionist said.

i was confused. what was great about finding out that you won't be able to use your back teeth to chew food for the next 6 months. "at least now you know and you can get better, day by day!" the dentist receptionist said again. to this, i had no clue what to say. i stopped in mid-sentence and couldn't come up with any response. "just know that every day it's gonna get better, until one day you'll be back to normal." the dentist receptionist intervened again. i was close to fury. here i was, trying to communicate my problem to her and the office, reporting back to them so they could better assist me and possibly see me again (i went in yesterday and the dentist here told me to ask my dentist back home about some filling etching used b/c that might be the cause of my pain and discomfort). however, this woman was acting as if i just called to say the pain was gone! no, the pain is not gone. it's still exists. just b/c now i know why it exists doesn't mean we act as if the problem is solved. it's like going to the hospital after getting shot and having a nurse tell you "you've been shot and that's why your hurting!" it's just not the answer or response your looking for. you want them to try and fix the wound not gloat over it and dress it up to sound as if it's self-fixing. i know the human body is a wonderful and powerful thing and can heal itself amazingly with its complex immune system and what not. however, when a human being has intervened with this system and caused the problem, it's not like it's easy for the body to respond with, "okay, so there's this acid filling etching stuff in me---we'll just flush it out." no, it sometimes takes a little work on behalf of the medical / dental staff of the world.

half of this doesn't make sense, but if any part of it does, i'll be happy. it just blows me away sometime when you say something to someone and they smile, and act like they heard you but didn't process what was said. that just kills me. (okay, now i'm sounding like holden caufield...better stop now).

my hallmark moment.

i never thought this day would come but i guess i was reminded tonight how emotional of a guy i really am. i was watching the hallmark hall of fame movie tonight--something i've never done before--and whenever a commercial break comes, there is always at least one or more very long hallmark commercial / mini-movies, wanting to tug at the heart of any person sappy enough to watch it. well, i was making fun of these commercial short films until one, surprisingly, caught me off guard. it was about a little boy who is a good friend to a boy at school who really doesn't have any other friends and he comes home one day with a teacher's card in his backpack. his mother is skeptical and asks what it's all about and has he tells her (fine acting on the part of this little 8 year old boy) i found myself being pulled in--minute by minute--into this little boy's innocent, yet kind world. right before it was done and as the mom was reading the card from the teacher about her near-perfect son, i felt that tiny touch and tingle on the indside and knew that i was temporarily a big sucker. i laughed out loud--with a partial tear forming i'm ashamed to say--amazed at how a commercial could do such a thing to a person (but granted, it was about 3 minutes long--so not your normal commercial). however, i think this laugh was just a cover-up to not let mrs. guge know that it really had gotten to me. after it was over, i turned to her and said, "wow--can you believe that?" she was just as touched as I, and then, for a moment i didn't feel so stupid after all. maybe after 22 years of being a kid and never yet a parent, i've tasted a little bit of what parents must feel when their kids do great things. it's indescribable but i just wanted to confess that i am now one of those people who shamefully must admit that i was about to cry after watching a hallmark commercial. oh what california is doing to me. good night.

driving into beauty and music.

i'm here...finally. l.a. is wonderful so far (it's my first full day here, so what else can I say?). i got in much later than expected last night at midnight and i'm doing well although my little honda friend is a bit sick from the few-day trip. i'll be taking him in to see dr. mechanic sometime soon b/c he had one too many temperatures on the highway while we were driving. it scared me a bit, and every time i saw the temp. rise and almost enter the red zone, i would panic and want to just pull over and let him cool down a bit. oh well. hopefully he'll be doing better soon. if you want to hear the full story, you'll have to speak with me in person. there were other things that went wrong too. oh, brother!

anyways, driving across the country is something every person needs to do at least once. especially those die-hard, pro-squared, go-go American nuts who clapped in their easy chair at home every time a medal was won a few weeks ago. my advice to you all: how can you love your country so much if you haven't seen more than two states of it? eek...i think there was a bit of really bad english in that sentence, but maybe that fits the question and to whom it was directed at. anyways, people need to see the country on the road. i wish sometimes that planes hadn't been invented b/c then, people would be forced into land travel. i also wish that people would cut the "you drove all that way by yourself?" questioning toward me out. yes, i drove all that. no, actually, it wasn't bad, i loved almost ever minute of it (except for the mintues honda was hurting---see comments above). i loved being alone and the feeling of not being alone that came with being surrounded by creation. i loved picturing and imagining what it must have been like to be on those horses riding out west to search for land, gold, or something more. i loved seeing the sun set behind a mountain right in front of me. there were many other things, but these were a few. i listened to books on tape one day and to music the next. both were enjoyable but with music, it was weird to see how much it dictated my mood. i was listening to one of shorb's cds (can't remember the artist) at one point and while the music was so beautiful and i kept one song on repeat for about 30 minutes, i couldn't help but notice how sad i was. the song seemed to open this up in me and while i'm not blaming the song, i am saying that music has much more power than we give it credit. every since mid-july, i've been thinking about listening and hearing and how maybe, losing the ability to hear would in fact be worse than being blind (i used to think the opposite). on days like last night, i think it would be worse b/c nothing in my life seems to give me as much inner buzz as the sound of a really good song, waiting to be heard.

"My heart, which is so full to overflowing, has often been solaced and refreshed by music when sick and weary." -Martin Luther

on the way to l.a.

i'm a little over the halfway point and already i'm feeling weird. i started out yesterday officially from Taylor and after some car trouble and 19+ hours of being in the car alone, i arrived in colorado springs. i've never been here before and since today is kind of an in-between relax/refuel from yesterday's drive, i think i might go out and explore a bit. i saw pike's peak for the first time ever earlier this morning and it was beautiful to say the least. i'm staying with joe and cheryl (taylor grads now married) and they live in one of the beautiful subdivision/neighborhoods here. in some ways, here reminds me of san francisco where the layered land and houses built so close together make the city look like a packed out rummage sale of houses that look similar to one another.

seeing taylor was good, although didn't feel quite the same. when i arrived i immediatly felt out of place. my mood fluxuated throughout the weekend from melancholy to happy and from sad to anxious, and all the while i kept thinking about how fast my time there went. i wish i could've been with people more (throughout my 4 taylor years), especially those who i got to know better senior year. like the feeling i had when i went to l.a., i think i was a little bit upset with God for giving me such wonderful friendships and blessing me with new ones in the last few months b/c he knew and I knew that i would've have to leave them. but maybe in the coming years, wherever work will end up taking me, i'll be near friends and everything might be the same. i wonder how much time is spent on being lonely or feeling depressed after experiences with people and friends. i know they're worth the pain that eventually comes after break-ups like graduating from college, but i wonder how much this hurts our new part of life when we start it without them. i know it sounds like i'm being a bit hopeless and complaining too much but this is where i am now. we all need to be loved and feel loved, yet, contrary to some church teaching, i don't think just saying that "God loves me and that's enough," really does it. call me a heretic, but i/m finding it hard to understand how people can think or know or feel God's love and say that is enough when they've never been loved by anyone else (friends, family, etc.). this is probably coming off different than i want it to, so i'll just stop now. i'll talk to you again once in L.A.

"you're so vain, you probably think this blog is about you."

these words i utter to my car, after hearing this janet jackson cover of a joni mitchell classic. yes, i said that right---to my car. i was driving home tonight from grand rapids after my last official evening with three of my siblings and a brother-in-law and was thinking of how much i've grown to really care for my car. now, don't write me off as idoling just yet...let me try to explain b/c i think it's a good thing to learn. with the car i now drive, i used to think it was flashy and too good for me when i first started driving it regularly in january of 2003. after all it was my dad's car and i was used to the 1990' junkers that i had been driving since i got my license. there was always an element of pride i felt in driving those junkees, and i can't exactly say why. maybe i felt it said of me, "yeah, i drive this piece of crap and that's okay with me b/c i'm not my car!." however, once my current 96' honda accord was given to me by my dad (still his car, i just drive it and say it's mine) i felt this front as 'junkee driver' simply wouldn't fit anymore. now though, i'm beginning to feel closer to this car than i should. it's just sunk in for good that this is now my car and it's coming with me to L.A. once again. it was there for me the first time around and it's here for me again. i dare not say i love my car, but if there was ever an appropriate time to say those three beautiful words to it, i'd have to say this is the moment where i give in, confess and speak the inevitable. i think it's b/c i see my car as a person who listens to me all the time, even when i don't speak. he's always trying to get me places even when i force him to get me there quicker than he likes to go. it really is a scary thing when you start to believe your car has a personality but i'm starting to think this. it's all up there--in my imagination--and i'd like to feel as though i know my car perhaps better than a few married people know their spouses. maybe b/c we're both getting older and as i go through stages of life, my little honda is going through his. he needs more flushes, more tune-ups and quicker oil refils as i do, but in more human terms.

i'm sure many reading are wondering just what i was smoking while dreaming this whole blog post up, but i'm begging you, it really does make sense in my head. i was thinking about it while driving and thought, 'i should write this down--even though it sounds a little loony.' so here i am, writing down another loony idea that actually makes me think i'm a little more human. i know, i'm weird--it's okay, you can think it. and on that note, i'd like to paraphrase lester burnham, from 'american beauty' when he responds to his wife's laughing demand:

"Oh Lester, (laugh-laugh, giggle-giggle) don't be weird!!"......"Fine honey, i won't be weird. I'll be whatever it is you want me to be."

he was being sarcastic and so was i. and to all of you who know what i mean by this whole post, i thank you very much.

countdown.

okay, so i have less than three days before i leave my home and i don't think it's phased me yet. i still think i will move out and next year or summer or fall or winter, will move right back in--in the basement, where it's lovely and cool. i love my bedroom and the way it can stay completely dark 24 hours a day. i doubt i'll have that luxury in sunny, california but perhaps it will be a good change--you know, one to jumpstart me into the 'real world' of 9-to-5 American dreams, trying to be lived out, one day at a time.

i really don't know what to do with myself at the moment. i want to pack and need to pack, but i don't feel like it. i don't know if i'm trying to delay the inevitable or trying to pretend that i'm still 7 years old and wondering why summer is coming to an end so soon. i'm not sure about you, but i was one of those kids who looked forward to going back to school in September (august now---oh my 80s' days were so much better than the deal these kids landed today---very sad). i would buy a new lunchbox, get the latest G.I. Joe Trapper Keeper and go searching for that perfect first day of school attire with the rest of my family. i remember when i was six, picking out this extremely yellow shorts and this shirt that was yellow and bright red and blue and every other color screaming "LOOK AT ME." i look back on it and see pictures of me standing in our living room with my lunchbox in hand and backpack strapped to my back, smiling excitedly into the camera and wonder what in the world i was so anxious for. for the time to come so i could go back to school? i wish i had the innocent desire still. now, i look forward to it, but not with the whole outfit and lunchbox and backpack kind of excitement--now my thrill is a little more sedated.

maybe i'm just wishing that my parents will fly out to L.A. and on my first day of seminary grab the camera, force me to pose and that I'd look up at them with a big, winner-grin. maybe that's what i miss. i don't know. all i feel now is stuck in the middle of two places and i'm wondering which one i really belong to more.