very, very, very, very religious.

the central office on my floor at the hospital is filled with nurses running in and out, receptionist-like people who answer phones and deliver messages to nurses and me and my fellow co-workers, and a few desks. there today, before i was about to leave for home, one of the business associates (receptionist) began to tell me of another fellow business associate she used to work with on another floor. we were talking about how when people page people in hospitals over head, any person, no matter the sex, puts on a soothing, rhythmic voice that has an odd, but familiar hospital ring to it. do you know what i mean? perhaps if you're not in hospitals much, you don't, but it's the way they say, "Dr. O'Brien, you have a phone call on 67143, Dr. O'Brien...67143 (voice goes up at the end usuallY)." Anyways, she was telling me about this one woman she used to work with who was "very very religious." She looked at me and thought i didn't understand so she elaborated. "no, i mean, really really really religious---like close to being a nun." after she said this, i began to laugh quite uncontrollably b/c more so of how she was describing this woman. i first thought this was horrible, for someone to be known as a "really really really religious person" by all in the hospital and to be feared by many b/c of it. i thought that maybe, i'd like to be known as that, but not in the way that this woman was describing this woman as being. that kind of 'very very relgious' i didn't think i was ready for. so anyways, she was saying how this really religious woman for some odd reason always changed her voice so much when she would do overhead pages that everyone working usually stood in shock when she came on to speak b/c her voice resembled that of a "hooker." now, i didn't ask this woman how she knew what a hooker who works at a hospital sounded like, but it was amusing to hear her describing the scene. "she would page some nurse to the desk and the nurse would come and say, 'who said that?' looking disgusted and shocked." maybe mrs. business associate/wannabe nun-who-sounds-like-a-hooker wanted to add a little spice to her life...or maybe, she just didn't know she was sounding the way she was. i asked the woman telling the story if anyone ever said anything to her, but she said "no one had the heart to---she was just very religious and everyone felt bad and embarrassed for her." what an odd, odd world we live in. i don't understand this at all.

one more thing at the hospital that caught my ear today...a woman (60+) arguing with her father the patient (80ish) about why George W. Bush was a crummy president or why he wasn't. every time i walked by their room---due to the father's hard of hearing---there were screams from the daughter (not mad, just trying to communicate loud enough for the father to hear..however, anyone else thought there was a political crossfire debate going on in room 761, bed 1). "I'M NOT VOTING FOR KERRY B/C HE SUPPORTS ABORTION AND I COULD NEVER VOTE FOR A PRESIDENT WHO THINKS THAT IS FINE."---"But Bush is an idiot and a fool! You'd rather vote for someone who's incompetent? I mean, look at the war he's dragged us in?"---"I THINK IT'S VERY COURAGEOUS OF HIM TO GO TO WAR WITHOUT MUCH SUPPORT FROM OTHER COUNTRIES...THAT SHOWS HE'S GOT REAL COURAGE...I MEAN, HOW MANY OTHER PRESIDENTS WOULD DO THAT?" ---"No other president in history has done that...that's not courage, that's stupid!"---"I THINK IT TAKES A LOT OF GUTS TO DO THAT! MOST PEOPLE WOULDN'T STAND FIRM TO WHAT THEY BELIEVE BUT HE IS"---

anyways, this went on back and forth for about 30 minutes, with the daughters' political beliefs being billboarded via sound waves all over our floor, while her old, near-deaf father talked quietly...seeming very upset at it all. after hearing this, i kind of found myself seeing both of their viewpoints and seeing them both as somewhat legitimate. i mean, i never thought of Bush taking us into war as being gutsy, but i guess you could see it that way. then again, i could see why people think he's a fool....being the only president in history to go against the U.N. and all. anyways, i guess it's a matter of seeing and when it comes to this and so many other things, people will see want they want to see. it's hard to get people to see what they don't want to see. if you're so adament about not seeing, having someone beside you who's screaming in your ear what you're missing or what you don't want to see is probably going to do little good. it was interesting though, this old daughter and her father, who've lived through WWII and both seen many many things when it comes to politics and war and presidents. i found myself pausing every time i passed, for a few minutes sometimes, just to hear what their thoughts on Bush and Kerry and the War were. It was entertaining and enlightening, and it made another normal tuesday at borgess a tiny bit more exciting.

harold, maude and the end of my three-and-a-half weeks of parenting.

worship arts camp finished up last night and all the kids were wonderful. i especially took to one little 8-year-old girl named jennifer, who after the show told me she wanted to be an actress now when she grows up. she had never done drama before, so it was cool to see her get so excited about something so new to her. it was also funny how serious she took the whole thing. whenever we were rehearsing, she had the most serious look on her face and would not for the life of her smile. despite having only one front tooth at the moment, jennifer said her lines with a stoned expression on her face, which made it all the more "precious." every time she recited her line, i looked to the choir director and shook my head...asking nonverbally, "could she be any cuter?" i'm a sucker for little kids, what can i say. even though i try to be hard on them when they need to hear it, i still melt when kids like jennifer ask me a question. i know i know, i've been around kids too long, but i wish you could've seen her. b/c when all was done, she was her old self....laughing and smiling and back into jennifer-character. perhaps i'll post a picture of her and the rest of the group later. we'll see.

well, tomorrow night, my parents return home from europe and i give the reigns of holding down the household back to them. i'm actually way more ready than i thought i would be for them to come home. it's been too annoying the last few days to have to deal with things that really, only parents can or should deal with. i feel incompetent (more than ever now) and want the time to end. thankfully, it will in less than 24 hours. praise the lord.

the latest movie from the past i watched was a little 1971 cult classic, very dark romantic comedy called "Harold and Maude". if you liked "Punch-Drunk Love", you'll probably enjoy this simple little flick, filled with Cat Stevens songs and some very memorable moments. if you didn't like 'punch-drunk,' then don't bother. in one sentence, it's about how two people, one 21, and the other 79, slowly form a friendship and then, fall in love. it's a comedy, so don't be afraid to laugh (but keep in mind..it's old and the production sometimes is a little cheesy). the first time i tried to watch it, the first few scenes freaked me out and i turned it off. however,...ironically, i'll probably be buying this one sometime soon if i can find it for cheap. unless i hear back from dvd accountability partner...then i might wait. but i think even he'd want me to have this one. we'll see though. hope your monday was not like most mondays are.

Michael Moore vs. George W. Bush--what is it good for?

Unless you've been avoiding conversation and newspapers and TV shows for the past month, you've probably heard of a little film called "Fahrenheit 9/11". I saw it tonight with Dave Hoe (my Fall freshman year taylor roommate) and his girlfriend at a sold out showing here in Kalamazoo. We bought the last three tickets (a sign i take from God that i was supposed to see it---:) and all three of us watched in confusion as our current president gets beat to a pulp with savvy rhetoric, ultra emotionalism, and Mr. Michael "ficticious" Moore himself. Regardless of what you think of Mr. Moore (I personally have a hard time respecting the man, even though I appreciate a lot of what he has to say) this movie should be seen by any American who wants to be in discussion on the current ongoings of war overseas. now, i know this movie is extremely bias and is so pro-democratic and anti-republican that i probably shouldn't be praising it this much and that it will probably be the edge that costs George W. the election and Kerry to be the next president...but I can't help it. there's too much here that can't be dismissed and more importantly, it shouldn't. personal potshots at the president aside, the biggest thing about the movie that i struggled with was America and Mr. Bush and every other person in political power's inability to question/doubt why we are really at war. perhaps the coincidances are true and bush is behind much of the war for business gain or to keep friends happy or whatever. perhaps he didn't think as hard as he should've about the big "WHY" we are at war. whatever the answer may be (and there are many i'm sure) i was frustrated over and over again at the idea of a country that can't fess up and say "we're not perfect...we don't know everything...maybe we were wrong about this war and maybe we should apologize to soldiers and their families and the people of America," rather than constantly saying "this is a just cause" or "your son did not die in vain." I hate to say it, but this war isn't like WWII and Osama is not Hitler. It's much more grey and unclear and the enemy isn't asassinating millions of jews, christians, homosexuals, or medically disabled. that being said, you can't just treat it like it is. i'm frustrated (even though I know many good intentions were in line with Bush here) with our country right now...and i wonder what people my age thought during Vietnam when people were questioning the "WHY" we are at war factor. i know it will be a question we will never get a real answer for and never be able to totally understand, but we can keep questioning and can keep asking why before we support a president's decision, despite his religious affiliation. doing things in the name of God doesn't mean we should support a man. questioning his/her actions and if they are even biblically sound at all is much more of the response needed i think in a time like this. i think it may come down to a pride issue with christians....and possibly anyone who's unwilling to budge and say or think that maybe...perhaps men and women have died for our country for not the most noble reason or cause. i can't imagine what some parents of kids in the military must be going through, having to cope through this realization after hearing from their kids who are serving in Iraq or anywhere else. i can't imagine their frustration. and how much harder it must be when a president can't honestly admit this to these parents...admit that maybe, he was wrong.

maybe i'm being too hard on Bush and don't know tons of other stuff that he's dealing with. heck, it's easy (kind of) to make a film criticizing someone---the president, no less---and do little to help change. but maybe this is my helping. maybe this is all i can do. think, talk to others, ask questions, talk to people who've been around for longer than i have, and see what the rest of the country thinks. i don't know. i'm confused...still. what's new. just see the movie and tell me what you think. Dave, Kathleen and I talked for over an hour about it after the movie, and i hope more americans and christians will do the same. good night.

when i turn to Liz's blog and she has something really really cool to say....

i post it on mine. go check out her latest comment from this morning (Friday) and i'm sure it's more interesting and enlightening and funny and original than anything i could muster up at the moment. Thank you "Liz's Blog"...you made my fri-day.

the little pragmatic running around inside of me.

the last two nights right before i've turned out the lights to go to sleep, i've resorted to the ultimately selfish and ignorant prayer that says, "God, even though i'm only getting 4-5 hours of sleep, make it seem like i've been sleeping for way longer than that." now, i understand after taking Dr. Win Corduan's contemp. christian belief class this past year that this is not a very logical thing to pray and it's kind of like asking for God to give you gasoline in your car when you know it's empty and you know you're not going to stop and fill it up anytime soon. anyways, i've prayed this prayer and oddly enough...i've had two of the longest night sleeps (subconsciously that is) that i've had in a quite a long time. i know i know, it's very pragmatic...but it's what happened and when stuff like this happens i wonder why God (if God really did make it feel like i slept longer) would answer my request? i really have a hard time with people who tell me "if you pray about it, God will give you the answer" or "God will give you peace." now, i know God is capable of this, but it seems a little dangerous to make promises for God to fulfill. the reason i have a hard time with people who say this or when I myself get into this mindset is because God never said to us that if we pray to Him, or trust Him or love Him, we'll feel all better and get most everything we want. when people happen to get stuff they "want" (not need,...big difference) it seems they use this as their basis for judging God's character on answering prayer. does this make sense? I just really have a hard time with this and was reminded of it when today at work, my fellow co-worker found out a nurse who works on our floor goes to my church and surprised, my co-worker said, "you go to church? but you always look so sad and tired and depressed...you should be praying more." i couldn't believe my ears. is this the way the world views prayer? as a self-serving, methodical practice? i know i do sometime (praying for sleep, etc.) but......??????? i don't know. anyways, i'll try to calm down now. hope you all have a lovely dinner.

single parents of the world.

i'm not a parent and most of the time (i hope), i don't pretend to be. but these past few weeks with my parents still vacationing in Europe has turned me into a little, pseudo-parent. with kids ages 16, 14 and 11 (and sometimes, the 19 year old one has given me some grief too) i've tasted a sour bite of what single parents who work full time to support their family must go through. i don't know how they do it and how they have time to feed their own heart/mind but i suppose you come to a breaking point where you just decide to do it or to give up. perhaps that's why so many parents want little to do with raising kids. every day that goes by here, i think about how nice it would be for my own parents to walk through the front door of our home and resume their responsibilities. i think about how sometimes, they must get really fed up with always being the parent and how they probably wish they could get a break in every now and then. however, when the break they get is filled with whiny phone calls from the homefront at how bad things are going or how no one is obeying anyone, the break ceases to be a break and is but time away to think about what must be done once the time to come home comes. i've been trying to ease up on the complaints and stop the police-like authoritative leadership over my younger siblings, but it's hard once you've been given the role and are expected to do something you don't really really want to do. you know? maybe i'm complaining too much and simply saying that i value my parents even more now and don't want to be a parent (for now I mean)--i don't know. it's all very confusing in words but in my head it makes perfect sense what i'm thinking/feeling. i suppose it's the suppressed, frightened introvert in me (liz!!!!!???) who can't seem to find the words to use when i really want to use them and who's frustrated with how some relationships and interactions come like cake and others come like burnt toast. i think and think and think until suddenly, i'm at a loss for words. anyyyyyyways, i admire any single parents now way way way more. i can't even fathom this task. so to those who've been there and done that...you have my utmost respect. good night...i'm off to worship arts camp...night #3.

God loves the character with no parts just as much as he loves the character with big parts.

okay, odd title, but that was my lesson for one of my kids tonight. the whole point of "Worship Arts Camp" is to show how everyone is equally important in the collective realm of worshiping God. however, little 7-year-old Allison begs to differ. when i gave out scripts tonight to my eager group of 12 kids (mostly 1st-5th grade) Allison out loud and boldly proclaimed that she did "NOT want to be Nurse #2." she said she only had 6 lines (the biggest part has 18...so it's not that big of a jump actually---she's about average on lines) and that she was not important. i sat down with her alone after the rest of the group left and tried to convince her in 7-year-old language that she was seen as just as important, but it didn't really connect with her well.

"if nobody plays Nurse #2," i said, "then how can we put on the program!? a very important person won't be there and it won't be as good!?" She pouted, folded her arms and sat in silence grumbling. i told her i knew she could play the biggest part but that i wanted her to try this smaller part b/c she needs to understand that the line count isn't what's important but it's that she's playing her part as best as she can. she whined some more, as i found out clearly that very little was sinking in. she was mad and was ready to quit b/c she wanted a better part. i have to admit, i don't know how i stayed so patient--if it would've been a sibling, i would've been screaming by this point, but for some odd reason, i remained calm and my voice was still soft. then, i thought of one last thing. "Allison, do you think God loves Nurse Hope better than he loves Nurse #2?" She looked puzzled and confused and said nothing. "Of course not! That's ridiculous right? God doesn't think Nurse Hope is better than Nurse #2 b/c she has more lines, he loves them both just the same....no matter how many lines they have." Thinking i had her pretty much "pinned," the oodles of i-wanna-be-a-star emotions remained with her and she walked out of the room. "I have to go the bathroom!" she said..as she left her script coldly in my hands. "I'll come back for that later."

Afterwards, I was trying to figure this out and see what i could've done better and i couldn't think. There has to come a point when little cute, pudgy Allison must learn that she is not the main attraction all the time. that's what this camp is for i suppose, but it was really hard b/c while she was pitching a fit about having only 6 lines, the girl that i gave the part to who had ZERO lines said nothing. i was worried what she would say b/c it's like, "you're the only person here who doesn't speak but i need you to sit in this wheelchair and be a silent patient." i thought she would take it bad, but once i gave her the pep talk about how important her non-speaking patient part was, she was thrilled! in fact, she kept bragging to people! "I have no lines and i get to get wrapped up in bandages and ride in a wheelchair and pretend i'm injured and be sick all at the same time!!!" i couldn't have painted a bigger grin on her face. that's when i started thinking about allison, and thinking of how maybe not budging on this is really what is best. she's only 7. i guess i figure it's easier for her to learn this now a little b/c it's something that will stay with her forever if she doesn't. we all at some or point or another need to be reminded that the world doesn't revolve around us. it doesn't when we're 7 (although this doesn't mean i say you should preach to kids how they aren't important---not at all) and it doesn't when we're 21 or 55 or 90. hopefully little allison will buck up and take the role of Nurse #2 as seriously as the girl in the gurney is. more thoughts on being with little kids for two hours a night to come. good night.

smelling acid bathroom cleaners for 8 hours.

today at work, it was the third day i had been working on cleaning this one public bathroom on the seventh floor of the hospital (a normal, home-size bathroom) and instead of leaving more for another day, i was determined after an hour that i would work until i was finished this time. i'm cleaning the floor, in between the one inch-by-one inch tiles, which hasn't been done (like i'm doing it--with a toothbrush, rag and tons of cleaner) for nearly 10 years. by noon, my eyes were bloodshot, and every time a co-worker asked me how i was doing, it took me a second to respond, as i looked at them wondering, "well, what does it look like? i'm sprawled out on my stomach, shamelessly cleaning this bathroom as if i were a slave?" and then responded with a slow, but assuring, "i'm great!" they always shook there head and said i should stop, but i was determined to get this done today. the other two days i had worked on it, i worked about 3 hours each day and had gotten very little accomplished. nurses walked by today exclaiming, "you're still working on this! i thought you were doing it on friday!?" I smiled politely and said that i was and that it just wasn't done yet.

that's always been a little bit of pet peeve of mine..when people's facial expression is exaggeration meets shockingly disappointed, as they look at you with a sort of how-in-the-world-are-you-still-working-on-this look. i can't stand that. it's an insult that i don't think is necessary b/c my shame is already pretty evident to all: i'm laying down scrubbing the in between tiles using my index finger, trying to remove the excess shoe dirt and God knows what else from the floor, while sweating and looking as if i just got done running a marathon...yet, my feet have moved very little. do i need any more insults to bring me down any lower? i didn't think so. but anyways, it was funny b/c ever since i started people walked by and were very compassionate and felt sorry for me asking, "who is making you do this?" or "this is wrong!" or "they can't make you do this can they?" Well, i'm employed here and so, i do what they tell me. I didn't think it was so bad of a job until everyone starting telling me how bad i had it. i thought it was kind of fun. i mean, i had my mission and i knew what i had to do to finish. but the more i worked, the more people pitied me and by the end of the day, i was pitying myself enough for the entire hospital staff. funny how influencing co-worker comments can be, huh?

oh well, now, i must get ready for Worship Arts Camp at our church. It's a week long thing for 1st-6th graders and I get to teach the DRAMA portion of the program to them...so i know i'll have stories to tell. I did it two years ago and it was one of the most rewarding things i've ever been able to do for my church...which is why i said i'd do it again. teaching a 6 year old how to act (especially since they've never done so before) is difficult, but oddly funny and in the end, usually very rewarding. anyways, pray for me as i take on my group---i'm looking forward to it, but am always hesitant about whether or not i'll be able to teach them well enough. au revoir pour maintenant. ;)---sorry for my ramblings by the way. this was way too long.

is there such a thing as a visually perfect day?

one think i'm looking forward to about moving to L.A. is the weather. i know i'll miss the michigan fall and for a day or two, the white blanket covering the grass from december to february. but all in all, i'm really looking forward to the sunny days and breezy nights of L.A.. today, i seem to be more acutely aware of this after going out this morning garage sale hopping, with a mid-60's temperature of air rushing under my feet in between my sandals. the sun is out, brighter than ever and every glance outside promises a small dance from the trees with their green leaves leaning slowly toward the earth and then, back upward to the sky. as i drove from garage to garage earlier, i tried to think of a more perfect day and i couldn't. it kept me silent and with no one riding with me, disallowed me from talking my head off which is maybe why i liked it so much. i know i don't wish that every day would look like this, but i do wish that more of them did. i've learned something about myself over the years and that is how sensitive my mood is in relation to the weather. it's hard for me to happy and joyful when it's raining or grey, but when days like today happen, it seems that joy and happiness are inevitable. i wish i could take a picture and send it to you and have the day play out for a few minutes in front of your face, in between your fingers, but alas, technology has yet to come up with such a thing. for now, my feeble word descriptions will have to do. but please trust me when i say it is, literally, breathtaking.

everything seems so ordinary.

I've had a mental list (as most of us do probably) of 'movies i need to see / should see" and every time I watch one more and am ready to cross it out in my head, i get the impulsive urge to go out and buy it so that more people can experience it like I did. I think i've just come to the point where most of the time, people won't go and see an old movie unless you give it to them and nag them until they see it. Same goes with books and cd's and everything else that you can get very personally passionate about. Anyways, it's just a theory i'm developing, but perhaps it's just another excuse for me to buy more dvd's...I don't know. I'm working on that....sorry to my dvd accountability partner for failing you yet again (and yes, i do have one believe it or not:).

Okay, so I just finished a little movie called "Ordinary People"and although I can't buy it and mail it to you all...if you missed this 1980 best picture winner like i did, then do yourself a favor and go rent it. It takes some getting into, but it's worth it. However, i must warn you...you need to watch this movie with no interruptions. I watched it alone...by myself and maybe that's why i liked it so much---there were no pauses and getting up and downs' to get another glass of pop (soda for PA people, coke for SC buddies---soda pop for those of you who have yet to become human in some way) and so maybe that helped a lot. Whatever, the point is, the people in this movie (primarily the mom, dad and son) are so close to people i know (and myself at times) it was scary. The things they said didn't feel like movie conversations--they felt like past scenes from my life and severed thoughts from my memory. Parts freaked me out b/c i could tell what one person was thinking and when they said it, i was like, "I knew you would say that!" getting perhaps a little too involved I suppose. But anyway, I highly recommend it. It's ordinary, yes, but ironically it's also not ordinary...b/c of how society is---we're too content with putting on a new face and showing the world what we think it wants to see---however, in an inversely twisted sense (does this make any sense) the movie is ordinary b/c we all are like this and have been like this b/c we all are human. see it and let me know what you think. i'm just a little upset i never heard about this one from people my age. i know it's an old movie, but my generations should be more about experiencing the old along with the new, you know? okay, enough preachy talk...just see it.

my life as a potential hospital forensic guy.

today was truly unique. yes, another hospital story...but this one is too good to pass up so sorry to all of you who can't stand these lame medical maladies. anyways, at 1:33 p.m., i walked in to a patient's room (2 patients in each room in this case) and bed #2 (hospital talk for the patient by the window) was on the phone and i asked if i could take her lunch tray. little did i know that she was a hospital drug mover/shaker, who checks in, gets some drugs and then walks out...while using a different name/someone else's identity each time. no one knew it then, so i guess i can't blame anyone. all i know is...about an hour later, security and the managers of the floor were there, looking for the missing patient. first of all, it's never a good thing when a patient comes up missing. generally, this is feared in the hospital world when it comes to babies (as in them being stolen), but when adults come up missing...there is a better, usually more criminal reason: they're in trouble with the law. so here we are, with the managers and every person on the floor grilling my fellow co-worker and I (b/c we were the ones who cleaned the room after the walkout---we didn't know all of this about Miss New Identity at the time...and neither did the nurses--they just knew they lost a patient and worried about that alone) and each question seems ridiculous. "Did you wash down the bed rails?" Hmm...let's see, we did, but if I said no, how would that look? Sure, we'd have some prints for the cops or forensic guys to brush up, but what would our bosses think? "Way to go Neville....since you did a below-average job and made the room you said was ready for another patient not ready by not cleaning it the way you're supposed to every time a patient leaves, we've found our identity-less woman!" my co-worker and i laughed pretty hard at the thought and the nurses kept grilling: "what about the light switches...did you not clean them?" or "what about the toilet flush handle, did you happen to skim over that?" Nope. no. no, ma'am. We felt bad saying no to everything, b/c it meant we were that much further away from catching our runaway patient, but we felt somewhat confident knowing there'd be no way to get in trouble in a hospital for cleaning too well or too fast or too efficient. it just wouldn't make sense, you know? anyways, long story short (too late i know) we remembered this one handle on this ghetto step stool the lady used that my co-worker didn't wipe down and so we ran to go and find it. once captured, i brought it to the head nurse manager and threw a clear plastic bag over it just to make sure no one tampered with my newly discovered potential evidence (wink, wink). my co-worker suggested we get yellow caution tape, but i quickly told her that "that'd be taking it too far" and that "we shouldn't let this go to our heads." I have no idea if the police were able to get prints from the step stool (they weren't there yet by the time i left) but i clocked out at 4:30p.m. today feeling a little bit more important....a little more useful in a hospital world that seems to be filled with crooked patients and drug happy drifters, just waiting to be caught by the underpaid bed cleaners and patient transport people (that's me!). it's a mad, mad world, but somebody's got to keep up with the dirty work and these dirty patients. good night.

sisters of st. joseph on the war in iraq.

I've been meaning to post this picture of a corner that I pass everyday on my way to work. It's in the corner front of a convent, the sisters of st. joseph, which is largely associated with borgess, the hospital i work at (yet, it's a catholic hospital). I saw it last week wednesday being put up and found it fascinating and thought you all would appreciate it. I'm not sure where I stand on all this, but i know it's not comfortably on either side of being for or against the war. Good night. Here it is...the "Anti-War" pic.

when i bow down to the internet.

today, lightning/thunder/big storm/God struck our home and fried our internet mother board thingy and so when i got home there was no internet, no email, no blogging, no nothing. at first, i was okay...but hours later, i found myself wondering if this was going to be permanent. maybe we'd be unplugged for days and every email we'd get wouldn't know we were out-of-the-internet-loop, and there'd be much miscommunication and much misunderstanding and so on. it wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't just us...if the entire country was off internet for a day, it'd be really cool. but when you're the only one, you're left with yourself and you can't help but think how much of a slave you are to this little electronic machine that sends notes "in secret" across the waves like a seventh grade student. you anticipate a reply or check to see if your non-speaking, all writing communication has gone anywhere and before you know it, the internet has become more than a friend and much closer than a brother---it's like a bathroom or something. i cannot, and i'm serious about this, cannot imagine my life without it. now, this doesn't mean i can't live without it, this means that i can't remember what life was like pre-internet. what did i do all day long in my spare time? i suppose the television grabbed some of my mindless attention but i wonder what else got nabbed. after 7 hours+ with no internet today, i can say the experience was positive and that it was good for me to be off for so so long. however, my thinking and questioning of my idolization of the internet and all of its glory comes back into play in my head the moment i began writing this post. i realize the bar has been raised and that the world expect much more out of people and their relationship with the internet but i still wonder if we've gone too far or hit the bottom rock of interpersonal relationships gone bad. who knows. i need help i think. does anyone else feel the same way or am i just really too close to my glowing little box?

the love sermon, part 2.

today in church pastor bob spoke on love again and in one part of his talk, something he said made me think of my own life and God, and why God chooses to put up with me sometime. I sat there and again, was puzzled by the thought of a love and grace that could embrace me no matter what, and forgive and forget my sins every new day that comes. I thought of God, sitting beside me and following me around like a cat (like Anne Lamott describes it in her book "Traveling Mercies"--read it, it's good) and wondered why he never gets sick or fed up with me. I wondered why he continued to trust me with this huge command to love others, and then i thought of how cool it was that i'm not alone in this call, and that other people are called to the same thing. It seems like it shouldn't be so difficult for Christians, but the more i've thought about "Saved!"and people (myself included) around me, the more i'm convinced that we christians are just too set sometimes, and too comfortable with where were at to make any sudden, jolting moves in our lives. why do i always talk up the call of loving others and yet carefully select who i will choose to love? i don't know. but the more bob kept talking the more i kept thinking of how much i fail God and yet, he continues to pursuit me and follow me around sometimes like some annoying cat, pestering to be picked up, embraced, admired, worshiped, etc. i use to think this concept was stupid and that God was stupid for continuing to put his trust in humans...but then, i think again and realize that it's really pretty amazing and radical and controversial and mind-blowing and powerful. i guess we humans just tend to undermine and de-radicalize it (yes, new word, just made it up) which is maybe where we need to stop and start all over again. who knows? not me. happy sunday.

"who's down with G-O-D?"

This line taken from the movie "Saved!", is just one of the many things that had me shaking my head, pondering how similar (and different) my own educational upbringing was. I just saw this movie tonight after months of anticipation and while I liked it and thought it was good, i was wanting it to be a little bolder and a little more hard / cunning than it actually was. I think the previews make it look like "whoa...it's going to offend!" but in reality, it's mostly tame...as long as your faith can withstand a hollywood film taking some hard shots at it at least. Every character was great though and the performances were strong, all around...despite the weighty cast of character actors. I'd recommend seeing it, if nothing else, b/c it deals so openly with faith in Jesus. It kills me the way hollywood is so timely when it comes to putting out films...they always seem to be one step ahead of the game of life and here, they know Christianity and have many suggestions of how it can "get better." See it and tell me what you think. Good night. :)

complaints about "full house"....

i just watched a "full house" episode with my siblings over dinner and i was reminded of how annoyingly 'resolving' it is. i suppose every tv family sit-com / drama show is but this one lays it on thick every episode and at the end of the day, one or more of the characters are changed for the better, while at least 1 other person points out the change in them and how significant it is of them to grasp. i'm all for being changed, but the forced 'everything-is-perfect-now-that-i've-learned-this' attitude is just annoying and absolutely hilarious. every tear-pushing, sentimental-jerking moment (the music comes on and everybody's face melts) is there like a bad guarantee. i laughed really hard at these senti-moments and kuldin and chelyan looked at me a little confused. destry smiled back and i shook my head and thanked God i didn't grow up with Uncle jessie, uncle joey and danny tanner for a father. (yet, I watch the show still---maybe b/c it's so bad..I don't know) oh well. no resolving this thought...let's just let it sit out there for Michelle to point and laugh at.

if i'm still married when i'm 70+...i hope i'm like this.

today at work, the first room I walked in to clean was different and sad. there was an old man leaning over the bed where his wife (probably in her 70's---both are actually) lay looking miserable. while oxygen was blowing out of an oxygen mask she was wearing, the old man greeted me and asked the mundane everyday question, "how are you doing today?" to which I stupidly replied, "Pretty good, how bout' yourself?" ----"Bad," he replied. I was kind of taken back. I didn't know what to say so I apologized and told him I'd get anything he needed (if I could) and just to let me know. he was gracious and smiled as he stood up over his wife and leaned down next to her face, brushing her cheek with his wrinkly fingers, talking softly as if he were holding a newborn. "it's okay honey...i'm here--i love you." When he said this to her with me standing there, I felt awkward and sad and yet...oddly hopeful. hopeful that love like this still exists out there. the idea that these two people who've been married for over 50 years probably were in the last days they would have together got me thinking and i wondered if they thought of this moment coming when they were young and free and hip and obviously "in love" to the rest of the world. As much as I complain about the weirdness of my hospital experiences, it's days like today that I'm thankful to be a Neuro-ortho/S.A. You can't really embellish or exaggerate the exhilarating emotion that comes over you when you see this kind of thing happen right in front of you. I can't describe it...but I see them often in the summer at borgess, and they (these moments) always seem to be staring back at me, waiting for me to see something there. obviously in a hospital, people are at emotional low points and in these points, i think you see their true self come out. today, I saw a beautiful man and his beautiful wife painfully experiencing the anticipation of death. where do i go from here?

some like it mean like harry potter girls.

The last two days I've been lucky/blessed enough to see three good movies, all very different (meaning, most people would hate one and love another, but not necessarily like all three). Tonight, Blakeley, Destry and I saw "Mean Girls", and I loved it. I'd heard good things about it but wasn't expecting to like it as much as I did. It was a teen comedy but it wasn't. It knew when to make fun and (most of the time) knew when to stop and be a little serious. Last night, I saw "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban" and it was good too. I think I would've enjoyed it more had my friend Chase and I not seen it so late, but alas, nothing I can do about that now. It was darker than the other two, but in a good dark way, not a bad one. :) Also yesterday, I rented (finally---I've been meaning to see this for a long time) the Billy Wilder classic "Some Like It Hot". I thought I'd be disappointed b/c of the movie's credentials (Marilyn Monroe, Jack Lemmon, Tony Curtis, directed by Billy Wilder, one of AFI's 100 greatest movies of all time and AFI's #1 pick for the funniest movie of all time) but I wasn't and so I was very pleased. It really is bizarre and quite admirable that this movie can still be as funny as it is today. It's a 1959 B&W film with double entendres galore and some which I'm sure have gotten more shocking as time as passed. While it's not so much hilarious as it is funny (in a smiling and chuckles sort of way), it will show you a great comedic farce that has so much more packed in to each scene than any comedy out today. If you haven't seen it, do yourself a favor and rent it and see what all the fuss is about. If nothing else it should give you the answers to more trivial pursuit or jeopardy questions, seeing how there are dozens of quotable lines and scenes and everything else from the film that always seem to be found in places like that. So there, it will be educational in a sense.

Good night. Hope your weekend is wonderful or was wonderful.

smoking cigarettes and the last word on the 375-pound man...I promise.

As I left work today, our beloved, magazine-loving patient was all dressed up and ready to be discharged. I didn't get to see him off, but I think I'll manage. His last words to me were "F-You" so I think our relationship ended on a positive note. Today, as he was getting ready to leave, he went roaming the halls, decked out in an all-red, 1989 edition sweatshirt/sweatpants when my co-S.A. employee Mel stopped him and told him politely that if he wanted to walk down the halls he would have to keep his hand out of his pants or go back to his room if he couldn't help himself---to which he replied, "Can I keep my hand on the outside of my pants?" She was confused and didn't expect this response, but nodded and he walked on. Kind of made me think of Penthouse and most of male dorms at Taylor university. For those of you who know what I'm talking about, you know what I mean. For those of you who don't, it's not what you think. I'm not comparing this man to Taylor guys, although, I'm sure God loves us all, just the same. ;)

However, while he left, another patient who seemed a bit confused was yelling "Help" for about an hour. I walked in to try and calm her down, but she told me a man named Dan was being killed outside of her room and that if I didnt' stop them, the "girl" would be next. I was confused and asked her who was the girl? Came to find out, she was referring to her nurse, so once I got this, I heeded her "Go stop them!" call and ran out (literally) of her hospital room. Two minutes later, she was yelling help again and saying she felt like she was gonna throw up. I gave her a bucket/container thing and said I would go get help. A few seconds later, the nurse came in to give her a shot and she picked up the bucket and started whacking the nurse over the head with it. Oops. I apologized and told her why I had given her the bucket, but the nurse said it was fine and then went to help another patient (yep, you guessed it...mr. magazine himself). I felt so sorry for her. I admire nurses even more after today. Especially the ones who can still smile and laugh at stuff like this when the day is over.

Today is one of the most beautiful days Michigan has seen in weeks, and so when my fellow employees took their routine smoking break (outside of the hospital) I joined them as I'm known to do. It's 4 other smokers in navy blue scrubs and me, sipping on my water. I used to get looks like, "What's he doing here? He's not even smoking!" but now, I've pretty much seen and talked to every smoker in the hospital at least once. It's funny, but this is one of the most interesting times at work b/c if you just listen, as I usually do (I know, not usual for me) it's amazing what people will talk about. It's refreshing, especially after going to a Christian college for four years. You lose touch with the rest of the world in a way, and aren't able to hang out with 45-year-old high school dropouts, or 23-year-olds who are working 60 hours a week just to support their 4 kids (by themselves). These people are out there and they are really cool once you get to know them. It just takes a few trips to the smoke hut to do so.

do you believe in miracles?

This tag line from "Miracle", the movie about the 1980 Olympic U.S. hockey win against the Soviet Union may be cheesy but this is Disney and in almost every Disney sports movie nowadays, cheesy trumps authenticity any day. I wanted to love this movie, but couldn't. I've seen the actual footage from the 1980 game and it's pretty overwhelming and exciting (even if you know nothing of the background). But this movie doesn't do those few minutes justice, even though it tries to. Oh well. Maybe I'm too cynical to watch any more sports movies. I'm trying to think of the last one I saw that was above halfway decent, but nothing's coming to mind. The movie's good, but at 2 hours and 15 min, it's a little much. I think whatever organization has the power to do so should enforce a filmmaking law saying no sports-themed movie can be more than 90 min. Maybe I can help this rule along once I'm in L.A. We'll see.

Mom and Dad left for Europe today, which means I get to be in charge...to some degree. Things should be interesting. I'll tell you if anything really exciting happens.

Oh, and a little update about the patient who lost his dirty magazines....I think he's still pretty ticked off about it. Today, I came in to get his lunch tray and he said more swear words in those 14 seconds than he did normal, everyday words. It was kind of funny, b/c the minute I came in, he acted as though I had stolen something from him. I smiled. He growled. And after the sixth f-word uttered, I decided to forget trying to explain to him that I didn't know what he was talking about, and I nodded and darted for the door. I avoided the room from then on, even though after my encounter I ended up going in there to clean up a mess he left for me on the floor. I swear he knew I would've had to clean it up. Oh well. Good night.

no dirty magazines for patients in the hospital, please.

Well, my first day back at Borgess (hospital in our area) was unlike anything else...as usual. This is my third summer working there and each day I get more surprised at the things people do or the way some grown-ups behave while they're patients (or family of patients) in the hospital. I think there's this unwritten rule that says all social norms do not apply once you're a patient at a hospital, and therefore, nearly every action or thought or word uttered can be easily forgiven. Today, was no exception. I'll spare you the details, but I have to tell you what happened...so I'll try to be as general as possible (hospital confidentiality you know---no names will be given..sorry).

One patient, a 375 pound, sexually aggressive man, had a little tiff with the nurses and his patient sitters after he was caught licking pictures of dirty magazines he had had smuggled up to his room (i worked on the 7th floor today). Staff, including myself would walk in to check up on him and there he was, gown draped over and above his head with a magazine in hand. It wasn't a pretty sight. How do you tell someone not to do something...especially since it seems like a dog's common sense would tell you not to do such a thing in a public place like a hospital where people are walking in and out of your room all the time? Well, the nurse tried to snag the magazines away but recoiled after the man puckered up his lips and wanted a big kiss. She fleed the room and vowed never to go in there again. Then, security had to come up and remove the magazines from him. Yes, that's right...two big men in police uniforms trotting slowly into the room with hesitant looks on their faces only to find the man naked again, with his gown up above his chest. Now, you can picture this, but you have no idea the awkwardness that comes with you being the clothed one, trying to make the naked 375-pound man who's laying in bed put some clothes on. It's very very odd. Right after this, a woman patient walks out of her room with her daughter complaining about some nurse dressed in all green who hasn't told her if she can go to the bathroom yet. I listened and assured her that I would go talk to the green dressed nurse, but the woman wanted nothing to do with her and continued to walk down the hallway for her afternoon stroll. 3 minutes later, her daughter runs up to me and says "My mom's IV just came out!"---Now, sidebar---IV's don't generally just 'come out'----they are usually yanked or pulled very hardly and it is a real pain to insert another one into the patient. NOt fun for the nurse or the patient. Back to the story, so I say, "Okay....let me go get her nurse." The daughter replies, "My mom said not to get the nurse dressed in all green!" I look at the board on the wall that says who's nurse is on what room and I see that, unfortunately, that is her nurse. "I'll send someone down." She runs back down the hall to the waiting room on the floor, where the patient is conveniently dripping with blood sitting in the chair reading a magazine and watching TV. (We have tv's in every room for every patient---i think this woman was just wanting to put up a bit of trouble for this nurse) Then, minutes go by and more kids of this lady patient are running up and down the halls tracking down anyone in scrubs..."My mom's IV just fell out", "Help my mommy she's bleeding in the waiting room"---I look over at a co-worker of mine and can't help but laugh. Another incident, another problem, but sadly, we aren't trained or legally able to aid her so we stand by in silence. At this very moment, I can hear from a few rooms down a patient throwing up and then, I hear the 2 second delay as it plumps on the hard floor (i have to clean that up). I close my eyes and sigh, while another patient is howling for her cigarettes (which she can't have). "I WANNA CIGARETTE! JUST GIVE ME MY #*#(@ CIGARETTE"--- The whole floor, no kidding, can hear this woman. The kids are running up and down the halls, now moreso chasing each other instead of helping their mom out, as the two security men carry (with latex gloves on--you put the pieces together) the magazines out of the room of the 375-pound man. He's furious and shouting back at them sexual expletives, and saying how now he wont' be able to "get off" anymore. Sorry for the details, but you can't help but sit back and wonder how all this can go on and yet, things get figured out by the end of the day and everybody goes to sleep and comes back the next day to do it again. It's exciting, yes...and it's also unbelievable. If I ever make movies or write screenplays and my movie has to do with a hospital, I'll have plenty of ideas to go on. Like my co-worker friend Flo said to me before I left, "Who needs to see 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest,' we have our own nest up here!" The funny thing is, i don't work on the pscyh. floor---I work on the surgical care floor. I guess one too many surgeries isn't good for anyone. More odd stories in the future, I'm sure.

Psalm 130.

For the past 3-4 nights, I've gone to sleep with the words of David in my head and it's been exactly what I've needed to hear. Every time I read the short passage from Psalm 130 (in the NIV or the MESSAGE paraphrase translation) I shake my head and can't believe God puts up with me the way he does..much less, loves me the way I need to be loved. I read it again tonight, this time, just from the Message translation, and so many more things came up to me. The first night I read it, the first two paragraphs stuck out to me but now, the last one in particular is hitting me over the head.

He writes: "O Israel, wait and watch for God---with God's arrival comes love,..with God's arrival comes generous redemption." It's pretty amazing and encouraging and uplifting (cheesy word but I've got no better word right now) especially after reading in the beginning of the Psalm where it says: "If you, God, kept records on wrongdoings, who would stand a chance? As it turns out, forgiveness is your habit, and that's why you're worshiped.....I pray to God---my life a prayer---and wait for what he'll say and do. My life's on the line before God, my Lord, waiting and watching till morning."

I want to live as if my life is on the line before God, but it seems like I'm the one who's wanting to be in charge of where this line is in my life. I want to say where I spend all of my time and energy and rarely seem to be letting the Holy Spirit move in me the way he has in the past. I read much of my journal from about a month ago tonight also and every entry I read, I saw God had answered the prayer I prayed for or requested. It was pretty amazing to see them already answered, b/c in truth, I don't think I actually believed he would answer them, i think I just hoped he would but assumed I wasn't spiritual enough for them too. I guess that's another thing I need to nail down---it's not about me, it's all about his mercy and grace and forgiveness and generous redemption and all-consuming, all-powerful and perfect love. Good night. Borgess Hospital is calling me to bed...my first day back starts tomorrow morning. Go Service Associates (S.A.)!!!