Love, Murder and Stinky Shepherds

The Christmas story has circled around my head for the past few days. Sure, it's been reimagined quite differently as each year added on to my life brings forth a new experience and glimpse and perspective of Love coming down in the form of a baby.

Sometimes I think I forget that while Jesus was no more than than age 2, King Herod had thousands of babies killed at this same time in hopes of killing off Jesus. This is a part of the Christmas story yet it's not one we like to dwell on. We moreso tend to view this as Herod's choice and so, God is merely playing off of what Herod is choosing to do. But the prophets in the Old Testament speak clearly and because of this, it's often hard for me to imagine or rather accpet that this killing of babies act was necessary for Christ to be move away from Bethleham and carry out his Kindgom ministry elsewhere. I find it hard to talk of the love of God and the vastness and deepness and wideness I believe it so encompasses when I think of babies being murdered...and taken from their families all for the preservation of the present coming King. Did these babies have to die in order for Jesus to live? Was this part of the OT prophecy (the killing of innocent babies)?

I'm reading a book right now that mentions this very subject, and the author questions this very aspect of God's love...wondering if it's something we really really need and want or something we simply give lip service to yet never fully try or attempt to understand. I love to think of the prodigal son when thinking of God's love, or Rahab's peculiar and complicated ethical actions that carried her faith to the cross. I also love thinking of Ruth who has become such an icon of obedience for me, and thinking of God's love for the last, lost, one sheep...struggling within the thicket. God's love is attractive in these situations. It's something I want to be a part of and to embrace and consume and digest. However, how was God's love present when He hardened Pharoh's heart into not letting Moses' (or God's) people go? This is one of the many problematic Bible stories where it seems like God is playing a really cruel trick: he scolds someone for evil, yet, He's the one supposedly responsible for hardening this person's evil heart. Why? To carry out love? If you have trouble reading what I'm writing go ahead and reread the Exodus story and see how God is portrayed by the writers.

I never want to not account for the incomprehensible minds of the writers of the OT and NT for they too were like you and me, and were not God and so could not possibly know what God thinks. Perhaps this is part of the mystery of knowing God and I shouldn't be concerned with knowing why b/c in reality, the only one to really know the answer to such a 'why' question would be God in the first place. I don't know. But it is pretty fascinating to think that the Christmas story, with all of its baby killing, stinky shepherd flock-gazing, and unlove and ungrace toward Mary and Joseph' entire immaculate conception dillemma, is still capable of capturing the thoughts of millions and the minds of Americans and the hearts of children. Coming out of so much pain and hatred and murder, you'd think the birth of Jesus wouldn't be as Hallmark-friendly as consumer America makes it out to be. But I guess a nativity scene complete with Herod and his bloodthirsty expression for Jesus-the-babe to be killed, and wise men that were not yet there, and shepherds who stunk, and Mary's uncertain expression of questioning whether or not this really is the Son of God she is holding in her arms, would not sell here in America. Love void of pain is what we want and that's what we've been getting for far too long I'm afraid.

And sadly, I wonder how much and how often I've settled for something of the same.

Why "Bad Boys 2" might be better than "The Royal Tennenbaums"

Ever since last spring when I took Dr. Ricke's fascinating, everyone-should-have-to-take-this "Shakespeare" course at Taylor, I've been thinking--on and off of course--about this very idea: why is it that the popular or mainstream or general wave of culture tends to be accepted, embraced by ignorant people (labeled that way by intellectuals) who aren't yet enlightened enough to know how the world really works (or better put, don't even care to know)?

For instance, I tend to be really hard on people who only like movies that everyone else likes or people who only watch movies like "Bad Boys 2" and "Blade: Trinity." In fact, up until last spring, I would say I was ignorant as to the importance of needing to watch movies like this. These movies make hundreds of millions and are seen by 70% of our country almost religiously, thus, couldn't they be said to be more influential (or reflective of society's real needs and wants) then movies like, oh...let's say "Magnolia?" Now, I hate what I just wrote but I think it's the truth. Wouldn't you have to agree if you really gave it some thought?

So, since last spring I've attempted to minimize the amount of "downplaying" of movies like "Bad Boys 2" b/c of how I believe this kind of attitude pulls me further and further away and makes me more and more out-of-touch with a culture that really does love to watch movies like this ("Bad Boys 2," "Exit Wounds," "XXX," "Star Wars 8")" ALL OF THE TIME. That's why they go to the movies. They don't want to go to try to find hidden meaning like why the camera captured only the hands of the people in a particular scene or how the mood of the movie really correlated to the colors used by the filmmaker--were they saturated or were they desaturated out? As one writer I'm reading right now would say, they go to find out one thing. Particularly, the point of it all--what is the point? The point of the movie: what is it? If it's ambiguous and weird like "Magnolia" the general public will hate it (emphasized place on the word "hate" in the previous sentence). If it's dry and dysfunctional and only funny to people who think suicide is funny, then once again, the general public will hate it (like perhaps "The Royal Tennenbaums," although I'm not suggesting the suicide scene was funny in this film, i'm just saying that people like me probably thought it was very telling or revealing of Luke Wilson's true character and people like my friend "Bob" think it's just freaky and weird and abnormal and totally "f-d" up). Like one of my Taylor professors used to say, "I don't go see movies to see reality--I go see movies to escape it. If I wanted to watch what it feels like to have your wife cheat on you [he was referring to "American Beauty" at the moment] I would turn on the TV, or talk to a friend or just look at the world around me and BE depressed." I never realized how right on this professor was...at least, when it comes to the feelings of MOST of society.

The truth is, the elitest crowd loves to gripe about how shallow and dull and ignorant and stupid and totally pathetic mainstream culture really is (and the people who consumingly buy into it) but let's be honest...what are we doing or they doing (am i part of the elite crowd? i'm not sure) to change or influence culture like these consumer movers and shakers are? Aren't we speaking and preaching to a choir, even though it's a choir that's about 1/100 of the mainstream size?

Which brings me to my personal dilemma (and the dilemma to all people sitting in a seat nearby me when it comes to popular culture): do I want to be a person who compromises knowledge and perfection for the sake of influencing the popular people or do i want to be a person who strives for knowledge and perfection even thought i'll eventually and probably end up alienating 90% of society, thus, having very very little influence (i.e., do I want to sing with "Destiny's Child" or "Sufjan Stevens"? It seems it's a 'damned if you do and damned if you don't' option and I don't like that at all.

Which brings me back to my original, opening sentence to which I think MIGHT be a solution (key word there is "a"). Shakespeare. I'll say it again, Shakespeare. He's one of the few people I can think of who made stuff that people who love "Bad Boys 2" would love and be entertained by and yet, pleased those hoity-toity people, those intellectuals and elite folks of society (while making fun of both classes simultaneously). That's why Shakespeare is so amazing. Not because today's scholars have said he is but because back in his day, he influenced the maximum number of people by realizing he had to please the poor and the popular as well as the proud and the elite. That is where his true genius lies in.

Thus, to the elite, I tip my hat...and to the popular crowd, I fart. Maybe it's not that difficult to do after all.

Blogging inspired by other blogs.

Lately, I've become more and more agitated with people within the Church who blatantly disrespect non-christians and are ignorant to any real issues human beings actually deal with. Every time I have these thoughts--I tend to process and play them out in my head...which helps b/c it makes me practice patience and grace-- I so want to just go crazy and be as ignorant or disrespectful to these Christians as they are being to others. Then I think that's not loving as I would want to be loved and so I don't.

But when comes the point when you have to stop being patient and sensitive and harmless, and really tell those you "love" what you really think? I was tempted to do this tonight. It was one of those times where you play out what might have happened if you would have said what you really wanted to say. I imagine (of course) every person in shock that I, Neville, could be so outspoken. What would they do with that? What would've happened if I had put them in the awkward position I so commonly feel they put me in?

Imperfection is the wound the Church possesses, yet, it's the one so many Christians are trying to run away from. What does that do to "normal" people who have problems and worries and get depressed and sometimes wish tomorrow would never come? Oh well, these people are abnormal, strange, confused, messed up, distraught, and ultimately "weird" as some of my Christian friends would put it. What is weird? If weird is what you mean when you say "weird" then I want to be weird b/c your idea of what is normal is so beyond rationale, it's practically inconceivable. Are you living on this planet? I would love to ask this person this question and expect a serious response/reply. But alas, I'm too timid and too reserved for my own good I suppose. Maybe I'll work up enough guts (like I did that one day last summer at Borgess, confronting the patient injustice that was going on in the face of angry nurses all around) but then again, maybe not. Give me time, and let me be. I'm sick of trying to fix and tip-toe around every thought that comes out of my mouth and so, perhaps in the coming weeks the real breaking point will come.

Oh and for those of you who are worried about me right now, don't be. I feel more calm and relieved having gotten some of this out than I have felt in days. Good night and thanks for reading my melodramatic inner turmoil thoughts/complaints/frustrations.

U2, Movies, and Mr. Ed

It amazes be that a band that's been around as long as U2 has been can still put out good songs, inside of a good album. I listened to their new CD "How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb" and was loving every bit of it. It's classic U2 stuff so if you're a fan of them at all, go ahead and do yourself a favor and get it. (Thank you Tara for enlightening me, again!)

Also, as the year is winding down and "Oscar" movies are slowly being released before Dec. 31st, I'm constantly fine-tuning my own top ten list (something i'm convincedonly serious film lovers do---i've come to realize/learn that it's not uncommon for you to say, "oh that's in my top ten!" about a current movie and have it be generally understood as an impressive, informative remark). Obviously, "Finding Neverland," "Kill Bill: Volume 2" and "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" are all part of my wonderful 10 best list (a list in progress), but I'm still holding out on a few more films...waiting to see if they sneak in under the radar and capture my enjoyment/delight. I'm obsessed, I realize this. But at least I'm not in denial.

The Show "Mr Ed" is on right now and I have to say that I really really really dislike this show. I realize it's an old show and so, it probably played better back then...but I'm not anti-B&W television shows nor am I anti-50s-era sit-com premises (heck, my favorite show of all time is "I Love Lucy") but this show really bothers me. Whenever I catch a minute of it, I find myself growing madly angry as I think "I will not laugh here even if it is so stupid and bad and horrible it's funny." I realize this is an unusual response to have to such a seemingly harmless show, but I suppose my thoughts are what they are. I just don't like the fact of a grown man constantly running to a horse for advice, and big friendly ear to hear his thoughts/complaints in life. It's a SIT-COM! I know, I know...but STILL, it's annoying and ridiculous and if I ever were to meet any of the people laughing on the show's laugh track in real life, I'd probably do something I would really regret.

What ever happened to the Incarnation?

Its nights like tonight when I wish I grew up Catholic.

After coming across two different postage stamps in our home (one having a happy snowman figure on it and the other a famous art piece of the virgin mary and jesus) I was rather disturbed to hear fellow loved ones talk down of the "catholic" stamps. Why aren't we using these ones more often? I wondered, thinking how the virgin Mary has never been and probably (sadly) will never be an icon for evangelical thinkers (an oxymoron, no...it's not, even thought it feels like it is most of the time). And then, I felt really upset. I don't like the fact of growing up without many icons. Sure, we have the empty cross but let's face it...our culture has kind of adopted this icon as their own and so, it doesn't really say much to wear an empty cross around your neck or in your ear, does it?

So why are these Catholic stamps looked down upon so much? I don't know. Probably b/c most of us don't have a clue as to how much we've "borrowed" from the Catholic tradition and think that we really are WAY WAY WAY different then them (which compared to American Catholicism, maybe we are...but still) when in all actuality, we're not. Whatever the reason, I'm sad to say that I was never raised to believe in the Virgin Mary as an religious icon and never shown how glorious and mysterious the Incarnation really was. Instead, these were merely doctrinal statements i recited in cachetism-memorization time in bible class and they carried no personal meaning to my faith, or my Protestant tradition.

Now, I'm not bashing my own tradition (or am I?) but I am merely saying how I wish and really long for a tradition that carries relevance as well as tradition, and is not just some cultural savvy and loopy and wishy-washy and anti-Catholic evangelical-type of tradition (that rejects any serious intellectual research). We humans were created far too complex to be told we can't ask the hard questions or believe in the mystery and power and wonder of the Incarnation. Both beliefs can exist within people, and I wish my evangelical compadres would get this through their heads. I love them so much, but I'll be the first to admit that this kind of stuff makes me want to do anything but love them...and that, for me, presents a big problem. After all, what's the point and title and theme of this whole blog anyway? Maybe I get off subject too much. Oh well. Good late night.

Some days, I wish I was a writer.

I wish I could be Annie Dillard for 2 hours, or Madeleine L'Engle for a week or so, or even David Sedaris perhaps...for about ten minutes. I realize that some of these wishes would require a sex change, but in my wishful thinking, I don't really include this as being part of the transformative package. I wouldn't necessarily need to "BE" them, I just want to know what it's like to think from their brain and deal with and play with words the way they seem to do so effortlessly.

I often find myself reading a book and think to myself, "I could write that!" However, the problem comes when I go to create a sentence or a story or a big big idea, and find myself using and re-using the same old words and phrases. It's kind of like even though my vocabulary may consist of let's say...3,000 words, I really only use about 200 of those when I write. I suppose it just takes time and I guess I need to remind myself that "Catcher in the Rye" and books like it were not written over night, and so, my writing done in sporadic, irrational and within less-than-an-hour time constraints shouldn't be great or spectacular pieces either.

Moving on to other topics, the other day I pulled my "paying with a credit card, yet refuse to sign the receipt" prank and saw my most animated response/reaction to date. The girl happily ran my credit card through, as my sister and I waited for the other girls to make our fruity blended smoothie. And then, when the receipt printed up, and she looked at me while handing me a pen saying, "Go ahead and sign here," I quickly took a few steps backward and held my hands up as if a policeman were raiding me for weapons or drugs or something hiding in my pockets. I proceeded to tell her that I "don't sign things" and how I wouldn't be able to sign this slip b/c I don't trust people having my signature, the probably-a-senior-in-high-school girl gave me a look I will never forget. She didn't speak...she only stared at me with disbelief. I liked to imagine she was thinking, "are you kidding me? come on jerk, sign the stupid slip" or "how am I going to explain this to my boss...the customer wouldn't sign his fricken' credit card slip!", but maybe that's just me being optimistic. After a few very awkward moments, as she held out the paper, pen and still pasted the "what's next, then?" look on her face which was directed straight at me, I told her I was kidding and she breathed out again for the first time in minutes. She smiled. I laughed. And as she said, "nobody's ever said 'no' before, so i didn't know what to do!" I felt a small, yet ironically huge rush of satisfaction build up inside of me. That I had been the first to say 'no,' and that now if anyone else would do this in the future, their efforts would be second-rate and pathetic at best. Anything that makes me feel like I'm different or better or more 'out there' than others, I embrace all-too quickly. I guess that's one of the ways I try so hard to be different and yet, really am no different then the next schmuck to pull a fast one on a restaurant cashier. Okay, I'm pathetic, I know it...but at least I'm telling you what I really think.

the perks of being a "Secular Humanist Worldview Thinker."

I never would have guessed it, but according to the experts over at www.worldviewweekend.com--who evidently majored in A Solid Biblical Worldview in college--I am a Secular Humanist Worldview Thinker. Now, many of you might fear that I would go nuts after reading my scores to their "check-your-worldview-and-see-how-good-a-Christian-you-really-are" test, but I didn't. Quite the contrary, I was flattered and actually encouraged! Thank goodness they classify me as that! Since I'm confident to know that my own views of Scripture factor into my worldview, and considering their size-me-up-in-30-minute test tells me I'm a godless young man, I'm guessing the middle ground of the two of these is probably a humanist-minded Christian who likes to listen to 'secular' music while reading his new testament and psalms Bible.

When I read my score (a 43% in possessing a SOLID BIBLICAL WORLDVIEW--hopefully my parents aren't reading this) I was so happy! I think I would've cried if I had scored much more b/c most of the questions were politically far right-conditioned, as opposed to purely Biblical. And besides, what the heck was that George W. Bush question/statement all about? I had no clue, so I put "NO OPINION" to which I'm sure they docked me many points for that.

In other news, I finally watched the disaster global warming movie "The Day After Tomorrow," and despite all the mixed reviews I heard, I was pleasantly surprised after watching it. Overacting. Melodramatic. Cheesy dialogue. Campy. Big. Disastrous. Special effects that are both eye-popping and ridiculously fake-looking. These are just a few of the ways I would describe this fun, watch-America-get-destroyed movie. Sure, the plot was hard to swallow, the acting was--thanks to the script--way too "What are we going to do now? --We're going to do our very best to survive!," but I STILL enjoyed it. Maybe it was b/c I hadn't seen any mainstream movies in awhile. Maybe it was because I really, deep down, wanted to see Los Angeles destroyed. Whatever the case, I'd be lying if I said I didn't semi-enjoy taking in and wondering if my own day after tomorrow would look something like the day after the day before today did. But I guess that's understandable considering I'm a secular humanist worldview thinker. Of course I'd like a movie about global warming! As far as the Solid Biblical Worldview Thinker crowd goes, global warming either doesn't exist or is God's way he will use to bring the end of the world into being. It could never be thought of as the result of careless Christian living, could it?

Too much writing for today. Good night fellow secular humanist worldview thinkers. I guess we all have a long way to go before Glory.

1 quarter down, 7 more to go.

after handing in two final papers today and taking my last final for the quarter, my excitement could barely be contained. i walked down Los Robles Avenue, shaking with giddy gladness at how i can't believe i'm done with every paper, every exam and every assignment. from then until i got in my car and jumped on the 210 freeway which was like a parking lot traffic jam, a smile seemed to be plastered onto my face after repeating the phrase, "i'm done, it's over, i'm FREE!" over and over internally. normally, traffic jams make me mad (as they do most people) but i doubt if even a "the freeway is now closed" sign could've ended my seemingly eternal grin. what can i say, i'm happy right now. can you tell?

oh and one more thing (mood change) that i came across reading last night that i wanted to share. as you know, i'm a big fan of anne lamott (author of "bird by bird" and "traveling mercies"). and last night, while doing research and flipping through pages of "traveling mercies," i came across this beautiful description of just how big God's love is for us all (Yvonne, have you read this yet???:)

Lamott writes, "The mystery of God's love as I understand it is that God loves the man who was being mean to his dog just as much as he loves babies; God loves Susan Smith, who drowned her two sons, as much as he loves Desmond Tutu. And he loved her just as much while she was releasing the handbrake of her car that sent her boys into the river as he did when she first nursed them. So of course he loves old ordinary me, even or especially at my most scared and petty and mean and obsessive. Loves me; chooses me."

All the more reason for my smiling to continue. Good night.

what you say, and how you say it.

first of all, everything i'm about to write i have a problem with myself. i just need to mention that in case i get too off the topic.

as you summer blog-readers might remember, nothing really upsets me more than people who get all bent out of shape over very tiny details, and who end up making other people miserable and guilty because of it. i think it's one of the most selfish things people can do to other people partly b/c it often goes untalked about or unaddressed, and the person rarely apologizes for their uncalled for response.

i'm speaking vaguely...i know, but this is what i mean simply: someone gets upset with you let's say and instead of just saying why they're upset with you, they treat you like you mean nothing and are a complete waste of a life. does this make sense? it's that kind of response that is unnecessary and even when i'm on the receiving end and may very well be wrong, i'm not sure why my apology has to be met with such a maliciously cocky tone. i can only apologize so much. when you still continue to treat me like as if i've yet to admit i was wrong, that hurts. this happened to me recently and it really bothered me. i wanted to say something, like, "i understand and see where i was wrong, but your way of handling it is totally inappropriate," but i didn't b/c i felt like it would've been disrespectful. maybe i should have said it. i don't know.

just a word out there to any parent readers (this didn't happen recently with a parent but i can see it carry over here) who may have teens in the house, please, be patient and have mercy on your kids when they screw up. and remember, how you handle your anger with them says way more than what you actually say. kids tend to remember tone or style over substance and what exactly was said. there's my tip for the day...coming from the "victim" in a similar situation that i really really disliked being caught up in. good night all.

confessions of a 4th grade sub.

today, i had my first opportunity to sub for elementary kids and i absolutely loved it. it was one of those days where at the end of it i thought, "maybe teaching 4th graders for the rest of my life really would be the best thing for me to do." the class i had was wonderful and respectful and just really a great group of kids. by the end of the day, i had 7 "secret" notes delivered to my desk (i say secret b/c some tried to not let me know they were putting them there, while others let me know for sure but failed to sign their name). anyways, it's hard to really do anything else but melt emotionally when you get letters from kids saying "i really like you as a substitute. thank you for being my friend," with a picture of yourself and them standing side by side smiling. am i just a sucker or do kids just have this magical, kiss-up/suck-up power with adults? it's like, what do you do when they've done all the work you assign, completed all the lessons you've taught, and still quietly come up to your desk and ask, "is there anything i can do to help you or anything that needs to be done [big smile inserted here]?"

a couple of the girls wanted hugs on the way out and i felt a little odd hugging these little girls with their parents standing right there wondering, "why the heck is my daughter hugging this strange man?" i simply smiled, and told them to hve a good weekend. i wonder what the kids will tell their parents when they ask why they were hugging the substitute teacher?

all in all, i just wanted to say what a joy it was for me. maybe teaching college-aged kids won't work out and i'll change directions in my future teaching aspirations? who knows. all i know is, these kids in this class have me wrapped around their little fingers...and i don't care one bit.

when nothing can be said.

occasionally, i'll come across a movie that will capture a family going through extremely horrific things, and will think to myself: "man, they have it bad." but later, as i think more on it, i get really frustrated.

i just saw a film that left me with that exact feeling. it was disturbing, personal, and quite possibly the most heart-breaking film i've ever seen...and it was a documentary (so it was all true, done as sort of an autobiography...which made it even more personal). so, as i'm seeing all this unfold of this guy's life and his upbringing in the last 1970s and 1980s, i can't help but think this: what do you say to someone or a family who's experiences are as awful as his were and still are? somehow, saying "God loves you" to someone who was raised around the knowledge of Jesus and God and the Church doesn't seem to go over so well....especially considering what they've been through.

yet, i found it fascinating (looking back now on the film) that the opening scene is over the filmmaker's mother...singing that ever-so-famous "This little light of mind!" while intermixing "Jesus" into the song in various places (i.e., "I'm gonna let it shine, for Jesus!" or something like that). now, i've seen the whole movie, the guy's whole story and the only question i really have is this: how can people who experience such things still let 'their light shine?' I'm guessing that was one of the many points the filmmaker wanted to get across, but still, it makes my heart ache to see things like this. i don't want to turn my head and act like they don't exist, but it's frustrating to watch and know that you can't do anything about it. it's one of the many times where i look up, shake my head, and wonder where in the world God is.

neville's random recommendations (beginning & ending, of course, with movies)

MOVIE OF THE LAST MONTH TO SEE= "The Motorcyle Diaries"

BOOK OF THE LAST MONTH YOU SHOULD READ (TIE)= >"On Beauty and Being Just" and "For the Beauty of the Earth"

SONG OF THIS MONTH YOU NEED TO HEAR= Explosions in the Sky's "First Breath After Coma" (downloadable from iTunes if you wish)from their album Earth is Not a Cold Dead Place

THEOLOGIAN WHO MIGHT BE MY NEW BEST FRIEND= Hans Kung

WHAT I'M CURRENTLY THINKING A LOT ABOUT= As you might guess from above, how beauty has been left out of most Protestant churches over the past few hundred years and how this has affected many Christians' thinking / perspectives / beliefs / theories on art. We need more of a balance when it comes to beauty in our American churches today. Sadly, most of the Protestant / Evangelical churches look like gigantic C.E.O. offices and business organizations, rather than a place of worship. Whatever happened to sacred icons IN our churches?

MOVIE OF THIS MONTH TO SEE= "The Incredibles" ...because it's Hollywood ironically doing what it does best: criticizing a culture it so often helps to negatively influence by telling America that being great and doing great things is not something to be ashamed of (i.e., see recent news stories on validictorians at high school graduations...it's just really getting ridiculous). So, it couldn't be more pertitent for a film as beautiful and as timely as "The Incredibles" to hit theaters. Thank God for movies. Good night.

thankful.

at thanksgiving every year, we always take time to go around the table and tell what we are thankful for. this year, my dad decided that we should first tell what we are thankful for in terms of "sensory experiences." meaning, of touch, taste, sight, sound, smell...what are some of our most memorable ones (when it comes to things in our lives) that we're thankful for. i shared one but wanted to mention 3 here b/c i thought it was such a good thing to think on this year.

1. The Upland, Indiana night sky...where the stars are so full and scattered it makes the city life just a tad more sad. there's no replacing the beauty of blackness with specks of shiny whiteness seeping through to the surface. it's one thing i miss a lot being in california...stars are more of a rarity there (thanks to the smog).
2. Every Halloween in middle school and high school, my mom would make this apple cider stew of good smells, and it would simmer low on the stove creating one of the most beautiful Fall smells i've yet to encounter.
3. Although I'm not a big fan of running, I must admit that running at night, where the air runs through me as I gaze up at the mountains between the Valley in California, it's really an overwelming sight and sound and touch that i experience. my ears hear the breeze, my arms and legs and shoulders feel it and when i close my eyes tight enough, i like to think that my eyes can see it.

The mystery and beauty of creation. This year, it's pretty high on the list.

there's no place like home.

i'm not sure what that means but just as zach braff's character in "garden state" muddled through his own life wondering what "home" really was to him, i continue to do the same.

the time reads 2:45 a.m., and yet, my body thinks it's 11:45 p.m. i feel a certain peace here in michigan...a kind that comes when i'm alone and no sound but the living room mantle clock lingers to and through my ears. i love this peace and think that it probably won't be there forever. i've talked to friends recently about this idea of "home," and how the older you get the more it seems to be just a sad, imaginary place that you can never return to really. i don't want that to ever be the case, but i think it just might be inevitable.

of course like many people my age, i am not without my fare share of bad childhood memories. however, one good memory came to mind tonight and i couldn't make it go away (nor did i really want to, i think). the image of my siblings and i, double-buckled up in our big, brown, ugly, 1985 station wagon, headed off from greenville, south carolina to houston, texas. i sit in the back back seat (we called it "the caboose") and stretch my feet up high enough to rest them on the bottom of the back window. my sisters do the same, our toes greeting passing cars with chorus-line-sways back and forth with the help from our heels. there's a cassette tape of 'wee-sing-a-long' songs playing and of course b/c of that, we all are singing along, knowing every lyric and beat in between the catchy rhymes and age-old lullabies. our lives are uncomplicated, as our greatest fear seems to be "what we will do for fun now?" we are free to imagine, unlimited in our traveling adventures and on the road for hours and hours and hours. i look back and wonder how the time passed by so un-noticably by all of us. our smiles were mutual and seemed to strengthen one another as we'd put on shows for passing cars, or short SNL-like acts we would "get" but they would not. i remember pretending to be a mannequin-statue-like human, seeing if we could fool drivers into believing we weren't real human kids. like somebody picked us up at a local garage sale or something and decided to just throw us in the "caboose" and let us klunk and clink around for awhile with our facial and physical expression/motion held ever so solemn and still. i miss these days. i miss them b/c they are a part of my definition of "home." perhaps home isn't just a place but it's something more. all i know is, i'm missing it more and more every new day.

did i mention i love brennan manning?

i got to hear brennan speak for the first time this morning at azusa pacific's chapel and he was all that i thought he should be. i think i'm always needing words from him to bring me back into focus with Christ and the centrality of His message for our lives. it's just funny how quickly i seem to forget them. maybe i'll revist "ruthless trust" or "a glimpse of jesus," sometime soon. his books were part of my spiritual wake-up call last last spring while in L.A., so perhaps i should bring them back into my life a bit.

his big message/theme (as it always is) were these two questions: "do you believe God loves you?" and "do you believe God likes you as a person...just as you are and not as you should be?". i'm still dealing with that second question day by day.

happy friday. happy weekend. by the next post, i'll be cozying up in my home back in michigan. i'd be lying if i said i wasn't thrilled.

jump God, jump!

it's funny (and sad, to be honest) how often i find myself quietly hoping and praying for something from God and expecting it to miraculously come my way with no will or action on my part. it's like praying to run into someone at Starbuck's who's really cool and yet, never going into Starbuck's to begin with. and then, on top of this, i find myself getting angry at God asking, "why didn't you let me run into any cool people at Starbuck's?"

obviously, this is not what i'm asking for and i hope you catch my very poor analogy on the subject of what i'm really talking about. it's like we hold these very very unreasonable expectations over God's head and we say, "come on God...just do it (i.e., "jump God, jump!")!!!" and we wholeheartedly expect He should. like we deserve it or something. it reminds me of a taylor philosophy professor and how he recalled always praying that he wouldn't run out of gas when he was getting very low and in the middle of nowhere. he couldn't believe he, of all rational people, would expect God to produce some magic extra gas just b/c he willfully allowed it to get that low in the first place. i'm all for faith, believe me...but it seems sometimes, i can get way to wrapped up in the extraordinary and forget that much of what i do depends on what i choose to do. i know i know, it's called free will...but isn't it funny how a lot of the time we don't want the free will to choose but want someone else to decide for us so we can still complain about how crappy and bad and horrible the circumstances in our lives really are?

"i would NEVER wear somebody else's pants!"

ah, the joys and wonders of substitute teaching at a bratty, inland empire southern california christian high school. today, mr. williams was out sick (because of his students? possibly) and today, i decided to wear my grandpa pants that look very "in" and 60's-retro-urban-fashion-conscious and hold that "polyester is not dead!" flare to them. anyways, just when i thought it was okay to wear such a thing in such a workplace, i was told "those are some cool pants! i'm gonna have to get me some of those!" (NOTICE: at first, i thought this little stuck-up sophomore was being facetious, but then i realized he really wanted to know). "Oh, actually I got them at a garage sale in Michigan last summer for $2. i think they belonged to this grandpa but since they have a small hole in them they wanted to get rid of them," I replied. and that's when it happened.

the boy's post-pubescant face turned sour with disgust, and he took a step or two away from mr. william's desk while beginning to whine and cry out, "Oughahahgh! You're wearing some old guys' pants! that's sick!!" i was "slightly" surprised and taken a back. "excuse me?" i asked him. "You're wearing some other person's pants! How can you do that! I would never be caught dead wearing someone else's pants!"

Now, I must be honest...a huge part of me wanted to take this little kid out. I wanted to expose something about him in front of his peers (i.e., maybe "oh yeah, well the kid in the abercrombie sweatshop who was making and sowing your shorts together ran around with them on naked for hours and hours before shipping them to the store!") or something like that. i wanted to tell him how silly and pious and ridiculous and snobby it was of him to hold to such a position. i wanted to give him directions to the local goodwill and force his parents to buy him nothing but clothes from there from now on. i wanted his little stupid high school mind changed, now!

BUT, my reactions were reserved into a kind "that's ridiculous," while the rest of the class explained how stupid that was of him to think. after a person offered up the "you can wash clothes, you know?" idea up to this kid, i felt like my mind raves were not needed anymore and so, decided to think about other things. was it just being around high school kids that made me so angry? or was it the fact that this was a christian high school and i was hoping (stupidly?) for a little more humility among students?

maybe after overhearing a conversation in a previous class where this was uttered by one senior student..."my bible teacher said that if you say 'oh my God,' it's the only sin that God won't forgive! and the only reason you all don't know that is b/c you're just freshmen!" while i then try to intervene and say "i think that's a misinterpretation of Matthew 12:32," and they all look at me like, "what's a misinterpretation????" or maybe i've finally lost my little mind. if that's the case, it seems sort of funny i guess...that it took a christian high school to do it for me. like, THAT was what made me go 'over the edge!'

yet, now that i think about it, i guess that's not so shocking or crazy after all. is it?

snowing leaves in southern california.

Southern California is often knocked for its near seasonless seasons but i would beg to differ. For instance, this afternoon--after running errands what felt like all morning and all day--i went for a run down 18th street, where the leaves have all basically turned to either red, yellow or an off-green color and are falling as we speak. the longer i ran, and the more windy it got, the more the leaves fell to the ground in huge sweeps...slow like snowflakes yet so much more beautiful in their own way then snowflakes. their huge, big, bright shapes bursting with color cluttered the sky on 18th street, blowing into cars and onto sidewalks alike. i ran through the falling leaves and felt a few land on my head, until a wind would catch them and blow them down to the ground. as i looked up in awe, seeing the sky turn bright behind the falling leaves, i felt grateful. Grateful to be in California, to be watching a sight like this, to be breathing in the crisp Fall air, and to be moving through time and air and spaces as the leaves fall from trees they've been connected to for so long. it was a very beautiful moment...quite possibly the highlight of my week.

thou shalt not dance. thou shalt not drink.

I'm just curious but do you think it's "okay" for a church to regulate what its leaders and small group leaders can do (i.e., let's just say for example the regulation of alcohol consumption or dancing at weddings)? Like, is it biblically-based to hold to such standards especially if persons under such standards feel they're extra-biblical and therefore, not necessarily essential?

Last night at small group we got into this discussion after I found out that the southern baptist denomination has these types of rules (or variations of them) and that just scared me a bit. I'm all for people being "above reproach" in living out their lives but I'm not sure it's biblical to set standards that YOU believe to be above-reproach-living that the Bible doesn't really ever address. We didn't get into a real deep discussion about it but many of them (new believers, so this seemed foreign to them) were wondering why in fact our church does hold this to be true. Is it just b/c of our southern baptist affiliation? I don't know. All I know is that my church may appear to be adding stuff to the Church standards and then telling everyone it is one of the essentials (which it's not)! Oh well. I'll be dancing some tonight in the car on the way home but thankfully, I'm not with my small group from church and so therefore, it's not wrong. However, if we all were in the car dancing together, then THAT would be a TOTALLY different story!!! (sense the sarcasm mixed with cynicism?)

Yikes.

those wonderful teenage years.

i went to a play yesterday where i used to intern at (my supervisor hooked me up) and sitting next to me was this family (parents and two kids: one boy, one girl) which was a little odd b/c most people attending this show were anywhere from 40-65. the son was 17-ish, the daughter was 12-ish, and as i listened to their pre-show talk and intermission family discussions, i was pained to see something that troubles me so much nowadays: a parent trying to get to know their teenage son/daughter. now, when i say this i mean that it breaks my heart basically to see high schoolers basically ignore and scoff and roll their eyes at their parents' honest attempt to understand their lives. for instance:

"Who are you doing your senior project with?" mom asks.
"I don't know," son replies.
"When is it due?"
"Not sure."
"Didn't that girl Tracy say at church she'd want to help you out with it?"
"Maybe."
"Well are you going to ask her?"
"I don't know."
"Well it's coming up right?"
"Yeah."
"How long do you think it will take you?"
"I don't know mom!"

at this, the mom's face is overwelmed and frustrated to say the least. the dad looks over at her, disappointed...as the son slouches into "ignoring mode" and puts his hand up near his face to communicate nonverbally that "this conversation is over."

i've seen this happen a lot lately, and i don't know why it bugs me so much. i was like this to some extent in high school and so part of me wants to just talk to these kids and listen to their lives since they feel like their parents just "don't understand them." it's hardest i'm sure for the parents, who feel that their yesterday little 9-year-old beloved son is now the one person in the world who can't stand being around them. why this causes me such distress and makes me sit and think and try to understand what's going on here..i'll never know. are the parents just too controlling? overbearing? suffocating the kid? trying too hard to connect? not listening enough? i don't know. i know most parents mean well, but i also know that there still is a general generation gap that comes once one hits that certain age. i just wish i could understand it a little better...and i'm sure most parents do too.

thank God for tears.

okay, you know i'm an emotional person and that i cry at some things that not even a little four-year-old girl would cry at, but today i was walking to class and was wondering why we, as humans, cry. it's really odd when you think about it..that such deep sadness produces a form of salt-water liquid that comes from our eyes (what we use to "see" things) and that they pour out of us when our emotional well-being is set off balance. i was thinking how fascinating it was that tears came from our eyes and not from our ears or nose or anywhere else. if i'm listening to a song and for some reason, the words or the way the piano keys are touched, makes me start to cry, why do the tears come from my eyes? is it so other people can see part of who we are...the frail part that so often try and guard? are we simply vulnerable little human beings running around pretending not to feel anything that would make us care or feel or move us to tears? does it come from our eyes because with our eyes we can communicate so much sadness or so much joy? i don't know. i have no idea. i'm not a psychologist or therapist or expert in emotions, but like i said...as i was walking in downtown pasadena today, with eyes red from crying in the car minutes prior to this, i began to really feel grateful for tears. i remember the scene in "IN AMERICA" that has touched me repeatedly...the scene where finally, the father cries for the first time in years for his lost, now-dead son. there's something freeing and terrifying about that moment. although i can't explain it, i guess i can feel gratitude for yet another one of God's many emotional gifts to us that we definitly don't deserve.

mr. "W" is back.

i was wrong i guess. i thought kerry was going to win and yet, it looks like "W" made a much more comfortable win for himself this time around. i'm happy he won the popular vote (and technically, the majority of americans' vote---even clinton didn't get that, but that probably had to due with voter turn out...but still) and i'm also happy it's not going to go on for another 2 months. hopefully, the news media will catch the "election is over" drift, and stop reporting on it. i'm not sure about you, but since it started early this spring with Al Sharpton claiming he was gonna run, i've been waiting for it to end and just be over. go "W," and let's start turning things around for the better. au revoir.

love is need you all!

i was thinking about the beatles' wonderful song "all you need is love," today after hearing "let it be" while driving about this morning. then for some odd reason, i got to thinking about that hypothesis with one or many of their songs that if you play them backward, there are certain hidden meanings there. so i thought, "what does that song title say backward?" after writing it, i kind of chuckled to myself. "love is need you all." now, i was born and raised for the first half of my life in beautiful greenville, south carolina, so, this wording doesn't seem as foreign to me as it may to some of you. when i read it, it goes something like, "love is NEED...y'all!" that's just the way my brain has learned to translate southern-sounding-sentences i guess.

but anyways, once i wrote that and looked at it, i got to thinking how i like that title much more than the beatles' one i think. i go back and forth on whether or not the idea that "all you need is love" is true or not. somedays i say 'yes,' and i think of God's love as being more than enough and more than all we need; other days i think, "no way is that enough---b/c that's just the beginning of what people need!" either way you look at it, i'm torn between believing and disbelieving in this beatles' title song. the reason i think that maybe the backwards title would fit more appropriately is b/c love is a need. when people don't experience it or don't know it or don't see it somewhere resting in themselves, they're dying. love is one of those few "wants" that is also a "need," and so, it becomes one big obstacle in life to try and give love away and receive love in return.

now, i know you (as a reader) can tell that i believe loving people is hard. for the most part, i think this b/c it seems to be the biggest problem i'm constantly dealing with in life: loving people as a whole. not just the ones who love me back but the ones i can't stand to be around too. these people are the real challenge.

recently, a wonderful woman (you know who you are) paid me the overly-kind compliment-in-the-form-of-a-question, saying, "how can someone like you who seems to love people so well think it's so hard?" now i must admit, at first, this made me feel proud. "yay me!" i thought to myself. then, i felt a sting that no one really likes to feel. it's the sting that reminds you where you've fallen short and not been as wonderful as the compliment you just received said you were. i began to think about all the people i had talked bad about that day and all the gossip i had fed and all the people i didn't like who i lived amongst, and how, this really didn't bother me that much. after these thoughts, i wanted to tell this woman the truth. the reason i think loving people is hard is b/c i'm only good (if that) at loving people who love me already, despite myself. and you don't have to be a biblical scholar teaching at fuller or bethel seminary to know that that isn't real impressive when it comes to following God's second greatest commandment. i keep trying to find somewhere in the bible where it excuses my unlove for people i don't like, but there are no such places and so, i guess i have to keep trying to love and realize that even though i may dislike this person beside me very very much, their need for love is just as worthy and vital as mine. grace is given to both of us, even though i don't understand really way. maybe it's b/c we'd both be too selfish to dispense it ourselves? i don't know. all i know right now is that this post is way too long and i hope that everyone who is reading this is having a wonderful weekend.

oh, and have fun in bolivia nate. i hope you see God in a big but different way. good night.

small group stuff.

okay, so it's my second time attending the mosaic movie small group (or "life group" as they're called here at Mosaic) and i hate to admit this, but i think i'm going to love it. at tonight's get together, we played games, talked about TV shows i had never seen, and collectively as a group, i was psychoanalyzed at the end as to what myers' brigg 4-letter tempermant i was. it's pretty neat to have people who don't know you, don't know your background, your family, or anyone else related to you, try and "pick" you out and "place" you into categories from only two casual, short visits. at the end of a much heated scattegories game (i was willing to bend the categories more than one or two people wanted to---for instance, when the subject was "STATES"...and the letter had to start with "B", no one else came up with a state that began with the letter "B", but I casually and confidently said I wasn't thinking in terms of states as in America, and that I was thinking in more of philosophical "states" of mind and such. of course, they didn't know me well enough to know that i was half-kidding, but anyways, so I answered/offered "BEING" as my answer.) to my surprise, they all were shocked and said things like, "i've never thought of that...but yeah, that makes sense! wow! so creative!"....i was giggling on the inside, even though i was personally convinced that "yes, it did make sense, and it was a perfectly good answer!"

so as i was saying, later, after game-playing was done for the night, two people in the group quickly asked me if i knew what my myers' brigg tempermant was. i said i did and they were like, "okay wait, let us guess!" and so i did. they both thought i was INTP, which is funny if you know what that means (I'm ENFP the last time i checked but think the E might be an I now actually). they both said i was a "P" (perceiving) b/c i didn't seem to like to play by the rules and always was seeking away from "J" (justice/judgement). interesting observation, right? then they thought i was "T" (thinking) primarily b/c of my stretched and "out of the box" answers. which, is just really funny b/c i'm probably extreme "F" (feeling---opposite of thinking) and so it struck me as humurous that they would say that. obviously they had never seen me at the end of watching a movie like "about schmidt," or "finding nemo." anyways, i found the night to be a complete delight. there's something just downright hilarious when people get you so right and when they get you so wrong, when it comes to what kind of personality you are. it's like you can shocked and appalled at the same time. whatever. all i know is, it was a very funny evening. hope yours was equally enjoyable. good night.

skipping around on a bike.

i've been meaning to do one of these two things for awhile, and yesterday, the urge was finally put into practice. i haven't been outside, officially bike-riding in a very long time. like, maybe two years or more. so yesterday afternoon, i decided to give it a whirl and soak up the unusually cool and Fall-smelling breeze of Upland, California and go for a ride. on my way out of the driveway, i thought about one more thing that i hadn't done in a long time that---like bike-riding---i did a lot of when i was little: skipping! now, i haven't tried to "skip" in years so when i tried it in the Guge's driveway, i was laughing outloud at myself (no one else around but i'm sure there were a few 'rear window'-window-eye-balling folks who were scratching their head wondering what this 22-year-old guy was doing skipping by himself down a driveway)...and it was a pretty great feeling to experience again. kind of like a nostalgic throw-back song from 1995, that when you hear it, you immediatly think of junior high and all your friends thinking it was the greatest song in the world. now, it seems to be somewhat forgotten.

after skipping for about 20 seconds (i got tired real fast), i hopped on the bike and realized just how much heavier i am now compared to when i was my scrawny 8-year-old self. balancing was weird, going up hill was like pulling teeth for my legs, and i suddenly got the horrible-yet-okay feeling that i was indeed getting older. yes, yes, i'm melodramatic about the entire thing, but i just found it funny that yesterday was the first of two things that had left my life for a seemingly long time and that when i came back to them, i felt old and wanted to be a kid again. and then i realized the irony yet again---when you're a kid, you want nothing more than to be an adult, and when you're an adult you usually want the opposite. another one of life's great paradoxes...and on that note, i'll leave you. but please, try skipping sometime this week if you haven't lately. it's such a weird thing to do and when you think of what you're actually doing while you're doing it, i guarantee you'll have a laugh or two. ok, good day.

indian cuisine and familiar faces.

thanks to art and marty cosgrove (art is a pastor at my church back in michigan) visiting marty's parents who live in duarte, california, i was able to meet up with them for lunch today and eat my very first real, authentic indian meal. marty grew up in Pakistan so that is why she loves the food so much..and art, well i think he just liked it even before he met marty so that worked out good for both of them i guess. it was wonderful seeing faces from my home church, and being able to talk about michigan and RBC and my family with friends who know what i'm talking about. and as far as the food goes, i'm happy to report that i actually really enjoyed almost everything i tried. i guess i am what marty would call, "an adventuresome eater" after all.

after this, a few hours later, i met up with mister kevin sparks himself, the savvy wall street fellow taylor grad who now works in new york city. we ate at the cheesecake factory (a mini-tradition of ours) and had lots of laughs and caught up on each other's lives. after i dropped him back off at his hotel (he's in L.A. for the next two weeks), i had that sinking feeling set in of satisfaction-turned-nostalgia, and began to miss my taylor friends. i had a wonderful time, but i was sad in a way b/c i realized that this was how most of my friendships would eventually turn out in post-taylor years: random meetings every once in a blue moon over dinner, catching up on our lives, and quickly exchanging our "why we miss taylor" stories every now and then. so to any still in taylor person reading this, i encourage you like a good parent would (i'm not a parent but oh well) to don't waste the time you have left. you'll already be regretting how fast in went once you leave so there's no use in regretting also how you rarely took advantage of meeting people and getting to know those whom you never would think of getting to know. despite all its quirks and setbacks, taylor still is a pretty wonderful place.

a little bit of longfellow.

"The Day is Done"

The day is done, and the darkness
Falls from the wings of Night,
As a feather is wafted downward
From an eagle in his flight.

I see the lights of the village
Gleam through the rain and the mist,
And a feeling of sadness comes o'er me
That my soul cannot resist:

A feeling of sadness and longing,
That is not akin to pain,
And resembles sorrow only
As the mist resembles the rain.

Come, read to me some poem,
Some simple and heartfelt lay,
That shall soothe this restless feeling,
And banish the thoughts of day.

Not from the grand old masters,
Not from the bards sublime,
Whose distant footsteps echo
Through the corridors of Time.

For, like strains of martial music,
Their mighty thoughts suggest
Life's endless toil and endeavor;
And to-night I long for rest.

Read from some humbler poet,
Whose songs gushed from his heart,
As showers from the clouds of summer,
Or tears from the eyelids start;

Who, through long days of labor,
And nights devoid of ease,
Still heard in his soul the music
Of wonderful melodies.

Such songs have power to quiet
The restless pulse of care,
And come like the benediction
That follows after prayer.

Then read from the treasured volume
The poem of thy choice,
And lend to the rhyme of the poet
The beauty of thy voice.

And the night shall be filled with music,
And the cares, that infest the day,
Shall fold their tents, like the Arabs,
And as silently steal away.

This is one of my favorite Longfellow poems so please, if you hated it, keep it to yourself. Good night all.

i'll fly away.

even though i appreciate (for the most part) the plethora of praise courses coming out of my generation, i still wish we would balance things a little more with some of the beautiful hymns of the past. i was listening to a modern rendition of "i'll fly away" on the way to classes today and was wondering why songs like this and so many others ("how great thou art," "in christ alone," etc.) seem to carry a certain richness that many contemporary praise courses feel to be lacking in. i was wondering, as someone reminded me just minutes ago in an email, if it has something to do with the "great cloud of witnesses" that have so graciously come before us. because, when i sing "how great thou art," no matter what the musical rendition, i have never not been moved. there's power in legacy, in tradition, and in heritage. i don't want to be simply "all about the new" or "all about the old" when it comes to songs that praise the Lord b/c both seem to be flawed. however, i wish many churches would remember that faith doesn't get stale when it gets older, but rather, it becomes more meaningful, and rich and powerful. thank you madeleine for reminding me of that repeatedly.

meet philip yancey.

last night, i went to go hear philip yancey speak at the university of california santa barbara (ucsb) in a kind of lecture session created on state college campuses from a group of christians who wanted open discussion in public circles about truth...and other life questions. the group began at harvard a long time ago and has been spreading everywhere since. so, i went to the ucsb version of this and it was wonderful. yancey spoke (my first time hearing him / seeing him in person) for almost an hour and then opened up the floor to any question on the brain of the audience. as i listened, it was comforting to know that there are other christians out there who struggle with american politics (i.e,. christians are republicans, non-christians are democrats), who appreciate beauty and classical music and truth wherever this may be in life, and who are still balanced enough and wise enough to believe in faith, hope and love as the means for christianity being able to redeem the world.

after he spoke, i wanted to go to talk to him, basically to thank him...for meeting me where i was at a year and a half ago through the book "reaching for the invisible god," (not a famous one of his---but still, a great book). it was a book that dealt with my doubt honestly and at that time, i needed someone to honestly tell me that doubting God was okay and that sometimes, thinking God was just an ideal i was reaching for or wanting to believe was okay too. i thanked him for being a voice not often voiced, and he received my comments as humbly as he humanly could. it's funny b/c usually, i don't like meeting famous people b/c they always end up disappointing the ideal of them you have in your head. most of the time, i would rather avoid meeting the person b/c i want to keep up that wonderful, beautiful view of them in my head...rather than meet the real them. however, i'm happy to report that the real philip yancey is what you get when you read him, and for this reason, i was refreshed after talking to him, rather than disappointed (as i usually am in these cases). it's nice to hear about grace again and again in a world so in love with the idea of gracelessness being the norm.

thursday lament.

i used to think the bible had little to offer the complainer or the person who felt so very alone and abandoned or the one who is ever depressed. after all, the bible was about hope, not despair. yet, i'm so incredibly grateful the writers of Scripture were sensitive enough to the Holy Spirit in order to be honest and vulnerable and willing to admit their desperate thoughts and feelings. a passage i came across in Lamentations this afternoon reassured me again of this beautiful, and comforting truth:

"This is why I weep and my eyes overflow with tears. No one is near to comfort me, no one to restore my spirit."

"sorry, but you're going to hell...."

I've always been uneasy around people who decide the eternal fate of people so black-and-white, and matter-of-fact like. It's as if they enjoy damning people to hell or something. Now, it's not that I have a problem with being upfront or honest (or maybe it is and I do have that problem) it's just that I don't want to be the one responsible for sending people to hell or guiding them away from heaven. God never gave anyone that right or responsibility, did He?

Along those same lines, it's interesting the way we talk of not judging people and how many Christians preach casually that we're not supposed to judge anyone, EVER! Yet, then there are other Christians who judge practically every living thing in sight (from humans to animals to even ideas)! It seems both are inappropriate responses, really. Paul proclaimed, "What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? God will judge those outside." (I Cor. 5-12,13a) After reading that I have only three words left to speak: what a relief.

the israelite record.

"I am, as ever, grateful that the scriptural protagonists are not virtuous or moral or perfect, but fallible mortals like the rest of us, struggling to understand what God wants of them, and often getting only the merest glimpse of the purpose for which they have been called."

This quote from a book by Madeleine L"Engle I just now am finally finishing (after a good month or more of reading) sums up my latest frustrations about myself. I find it fasicinating, comforting and disturbing (all at the same time) that my life record seems to resemble that of the Israelites more and more, every day I keep living out. I remember when I was little...thinking how foolish the Israelites were for constantly screwing up again and again. And I remember how in 2nd grade when I first heard of Moses going up the mountain while the people of the Lord were busy building a golden calf, and how perplexed I was. "Why would anyone be stupid enough to build and worship a golden calf! That just seems silly," I thought. Now, I'm finding myself going much easier on them. I can see many golden calves being built before me, whenever I allow myself to forget God's mercy and instead, depend on the self. Is it bad that whenever I read the Old Testament now, that I'm usually not surprised at their actions, but rather, comforted to know that they had God speaking through the clouds to them and guiding them by pillars of fire and yet they still, repeatedly kept forgetting about his grace? I don't think it is. I just think it's another part of grace that I'm still trying to understand and figure out, and the fact of the matter is, I'm just not there yet.

prayers and praises from a 7th grade Bible class.

today, i had the opportunity to observe a few classes at the school that just hired me as a substitute teacher and while the high school classes i sat in on were fine, the middle school one definititely took the cake. i recall five of the 20+ prayer requests (which 7 of them at least had to do with someone's dog or cat who might be sick, etc.) which i want to sharee b/c they were just too unique and hilarious to keep to myself. granted, i'm sure a few were just trying to get a laugh out of the class, but still...you have to admire their ambition to request prayer for something the teacher questions, "is this the most important thing you can think of to bring to God?" and them casually answer promptly, "Yep!".

Imagine a class full of 20 hands raised high in the air, shaking and waving to be called on. The teacher calls on kids one-by-one.

JIMMY: "Yeah, I have a praise for the football team having a 'buy' this week (they don't have any team to play so there's no game)! I'm just glad we don't have to play anyone!" Mrs. Currier writes it on the overhead, a little confused.

EMILY: "Yeah, my neighbor keeps smoking pot every night and my other neighbor, that lives across the street...their car got egged last night!" Mrs. Currier asks, "So what would you like us to pray for?" Emily thinks..."Umm...Uhh...that they stop smoking pot?" She said it like it was a trick quesiton. The class giggles.

CARL: "Yeah, can we pray for my sister's best friend--she went to the dentist and found out she has four cavities (the class gasps!)! But...she's british so that makes sense, but still..she needs help!" Mrs. Currier was confused again, "She's what?" Carl responded, "British! And British people have bad teeth!" The guy sitting next to Carl intervened, laughing at him as if he were stupid, "No you idiot! British peope don't have bad teeth. Peope who live in Britain usually don't have good teeth!!" Carl stands (or rather, sits) corrected.

JOSEPH: "Yeah, my Grandma keeps eating Big Mac's and Coke...and she's 70! So pray that she'll just not do that b/c she's old and keep putting salt on everything and stuff." Mrs. Currier nods and says, "So pray for her health?" Joseph responds, "Yeah b/c she can't keep eating Big Macs at her age."

AARON: "For my dog to stop peeing all over the house!" (The class laughs, of course) Mrs. Currier asks, "Is that something that really needs prayer???" Aaaron jumps in quickly and seriously, "Oh yeah! Because my mom yells at him and won't let him in the house all day b/c of it. So now he can only come in at night!" (The class "awweees") And that's the end of prayer time. Now, it becomes a hand-raising battle for who gets to pray for who's prayer request. I'll leave you with Jimmy's comment, who was sitting right in front of me: "Did someone already get Jenny's prayer request?" Mrs. Currier answers, "Yep, it's taken." "DANG IT!" Jimmy complains. "I wanted that one!"

TGIF.

evangelism no more?

i often wonder what many people and leaders and hard-core evangelists would do if the entire world got "saved." that is, if they all came to know Christ and believe by faith that He was, and is God. what would people preach on then? would we just twiddle our thumbs, and pray for the rapture to come? i'm saying this b/c a lot of time, i feel like people enjoying one another gets downplayed as not as "important" as it really is (in terms of the Church and its overall mission). if i'm called to love my enemy yet i can't stand to even be in the same room with him/her, what's the point in the world being saved if we can't enjoy God's rich blessings upon us as redeemed ones under Christ? just a thought.

why lying is not as sinful as doing drugs.

I just had my first interview at a local Christian high school to be hired as one of their substitute teachers and while everything went well, I wanted to share something the dean of students shared with me. After asking about my background and past, she proceeded to talk about how Christian kids are just as normal as regular kids and that it's not like teaching here is somehow easier than teaching in a public school setting. I agreed, and said I wasn't applying here b/c I thought the kids would be "easier to handle," and said that was good. She then began to talk about her students and how most of them don't get into big problems like drugs or "stuff like that," (which I highly doubt--I wanted to say, "but you just said.." but didn't) and I smiled as if I was glad that none of those types of kids attended here. She told though that while her own past was "Christian-based," in that she was raised in the Church and all that, her testimony still mattered even though she never went through these "extreme bad times" like "doing drugs," or getting all "wild and crazy in my youth." I nodded in agreement even though I couldn't help but feel like she was sending me mixed messages. Then she started talking about teaching and things to do if the teacher leaves no lesson plan. She began to say, "One thing I like to do is tell the kids their teacher is offering anyone extra credit (Of course, I'm lying...they didn't really say that---I'm just telling them that to get them involved in the classroom) and create some educational game for them to play. They usually get really into it if they think they're going to get extra credit for it."

Now, I'm not joking. The Dean of STudents here actually told me that, speaking of lying as if it was this excusable action only reserved for Christian people in certain Christian education settings. I'm not sure if that's the best way to begin teaching or not, but I know one thing: if you asked this woman the question, "which is worse in God's eyes, 'lying or doing drugs' she'd be the first to say, "They're the same in God's eyes!!!" Yet, I can't help but not believe that for one minute. She thinks deep down that doing drugs is much worse and that, really is unfortunate. Perhaps this job will give me a chance to lie my head off?

Only at a Christian school I tell you. Only at a Christian school. Good day friend.

kerry vs. bush---round 1

i believe it was plato who said that for a person to be considered a good "rhetorician," they must possess both wisdom AND eloquence. when you have one without the other, you just seem to be missing something. tonight in the debates i felt like this was so true. bush had the wisdom, but little eloquence in his speech and his performance, and kerry had the eloquence down (and wow some of the rhetorical devices he used---he knows how to debate) but lacked much in the wisdom dept. granted, tonight doesn't change who i'm voting for, i would like to know why can't we just get someone in the white house who has both?

first round of fuller classes down, a few more to go.

okay, many have asked how classes are and i've been waiting to get back to people b/c they didn't start until just yesterday (tuesday). now, i've had each one of my classes at least once so I wanted to give a run down on them real quick.

systematic theology I: anthropology & more "ology" words I can't remember---this class i thought i would hate but i think i will like it. it's taught by this finland professor who speaks not-so-good english yet has an incredible heart for the Lord.

new testament 1: gospels---this class will be good...kind of like bib. lit. 2 from taylor, just supercharged. already i think i've had more reading than i had for the entire semester in taylor's bib lit class. yeaahhyyy!

christian apologetics---this class, i already love. i had it this evening and it was three hours of wonderful lecturing and class discussion on faith, reason, art, music, and how God is not above being in all things. many students spoke out and talked about God using "secular" music to change some Christian's hearts and then, one bright young female student spoke out claiming, "isn't just the fact that we divide our lives into the sacred and the secular signal something bad in our culture? don't you think we shouldn't attribute things as "secular" or "christian" b/c in the end, everything can be redeemed?" spoken like a true A.W. Tozer advocate, the rest of the class agreed and we went on. i never liked the idea of a CD being "christian" or "secular." on the one hand, it's insulting human beings who are in fact christians (christian Cd's will not be going to heaven). on the other hand, it gives the "secular" Cd's no chance at even receiving the gift of Jesus and of eternal life. so that alone should give us cause to throw out the words, right? everyone (and thing?) should have the chance to accept jesus as their saviour....even those "secular" cd's. my work here is done. good night.

sister.

"A good name is better than fine perfume, and the day of death better than the day of birth. It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of every man; the living should take this to heart." --Ecclesiastes 7:1-2

I did the really horrible and un-purpose-driven-approach to the Bible today and found myself opening up randomly to Ecclesiastes where my eyes were drawn to much scribble and underlining in the bottom middle of the page. There, the two verses quoted above leaped out at me and made me shut the book only seconds after opening it. It seems I've been hit with the idea of death a lot lately, as I've thought about how much society and the Church in general, seems to avoid death and dying and hurt and pain. If I were ever to be a Pastor, I think the one thing I'd be confident in doing now would be to visit the sick--especially the elderly--in hospitals. I know many people who become pastors probably dread this aspect of their ministry, but I think working at the hostpial has helped me see how much I would value this part of the pastor's responsibilities. When it comes to suffering alongside other people and being there for the elderly who feel alone and abandoned, I think most people--like myself--feel inadequate...like they have nothing to offer. But if you spend any great length of time in a hospital, you come to realize that when you come to be with someone who's sick or dying, "being with them" is the most important part of the visit.

This summer, towards the end of my time at the hospital, I started to do this with a few people who were sick and hurting on our floor and who were going to be there for at least weeks, and perhaps may end up dying there. One woman in particular--a nun, who's name escapes me at the moment (I just called her 'sister')--remembered a time where I stopped to chat with her while I was in the middle of mopping her room floor and the next day, proceeded to ask for me by name (she rememberd it, even though I had said it to her just once the day before). So then, every day for the last few days I was working at Borgess, I made a 5-10 minute stop by this dear sister's bedside and held her hand, and just talked with her. It was something I would've never thought to have done years ago, but now, after working there for a few years, you start to realize how so many people just want someone to listen to them for a few minutes, and that, for that moment, is all they really need. So there we are, Sister (who's in her early 80's) and I, holding hands, with a small crucifix dangling in between her fingers. And as we sat and she talked and told me of how she was doing, I couldn't help but watch the crucifix and think of how much this little icon meant to this frail, little child of God. I sat there, admiring her, respecting her and then came to feel the rewarding sense one gets when one gives rather than takes. I couldn't help but notice how far I was from the kind of faith she posessed, yet, I also couldn't help but think that it was okay to be where I'm at and to realize that it takes time and effort and patience and much love, to grow to love God the way she has. And for tonight, I think that is enough.

a guy named Rob...and the L.A. freeway.

there's something distinctly personal when a city with more than a billion people in it can still manage to make you feel like you matter and that maybe, it's okay to call it your home. whether that's having right of way to the ever-ending freeways of L.A., or just feeling a sense of worth in a city consumed with political correctness, it's pretty refreshing to think you contribute to that billion+ population of people. i'm not sure exactly why it's refreshing, but it is nonetheless.

tonight, i went to my first L.A. get together with some friends from my internship and some of their friends and despite me not wanting to go at all, i have to admit, i had a pretty wonderful time. thank you to all who encouraged me to go.

now, this may be a bold statement, but i think a lot of people who choose freely to think as little as possible look forward and wait all the work-week to attend these weekend parties where their consumption of alcohol or cigarettes or the combination of both excuses them from behaving rationally. i just find it very funny when people who do this act almost the same without the consumption of any of these to begin with. tonight, there was one such guy named Rob and although he said no more than 20 words the entire night, his ice throwing at certain females (despite several demands from others to "STOP IT!") and wanting to go swimming when no one else is wearing a swimsuit and constant eye-glazed-over look on his face that lends itself to the "i'm good looking, don't you think?" stare expression AND his constant obsession with laughing at all the wrong times and intervening in conversation at all the wrong moments, makes me wonder how a guy like this does in the world outside of saturday night parties. when monday morning rolls around, and the time has come to be responsible, i can't help but picture Rob, sitting in his little cubicle, throwing paper airplanes over into other cubicles, giggling with glee as fellow employees "SSSH" and scoff at Rob's weekend-party ways.

clear the mind.

i'm constantly wondering and thinking about my time in L.A. back in 2003 and wondering why it was so great. much of it had to do with the release of being attached to certain responsibilites--whether that be volunteering for a campus ministry or attending meeting after meeting after endless meeting--and much of it had to do with other things. i was in an unfamiliar place, yes, and there's something to be said for that i think. when you are stripped of who you are, unable to be defined any longer by the people you call friends, something very strange happens. i think you either abuse the nakedness of yourself and your vulnerability, or you accept it and learn how to make it through without falling apart. the latter is what i think i did, and when i realized i didn't fall apart, i think that's what made my time so meaninful and fulfilling and important to me. when you're stuck in the middle of two places, not really having somewhere to call home, you're forced into meaning or forced into numbness. i think L.A. last last spring was the first time i was put in a place like that, and i didn't choose numbness. does that make sense?

it's funny to talk about this L.A. memory like this b/c here i am again, not wanting to relive the same thing but trying to figure out how this time will be different from the last. granted, i'm a year and a half older, and i'm still being told again and again (yet, i choose not to hear it) that love is worth the risk. i write those words but i don't think i believe them b/c so many instances of the past year have revolved around love not being worth it to me. let me try to explain without getting too personal.

last weekend, i had one of those amazing moments, where I was confident God was real and existed and that maybe, i wasn't the only one going through something hard. i think as a 22-year-old, part of your job is to play the role of thinking the world has it easier than you do, and that often, few understand how bad you really have it. yet, when i enter into someone else's time and attempt to listen to their own world and how it sucks for them, i think that maybe we all are just really screwed up and in need of one another. we need to touch each other--not b/c of our sexual nature but b/c of our human nature--and it's this very thing i think i don't (and the world) doesn't do enough of. now, don't label me as a sensitive-Jesus-wannabe-hippee just yet b/c there's one more thing i wanna say (soapbox time).

i went to a movie today, alone, and in the theater, there were 8 other people who were alone too. that may seem like none except that there was only one couple other than us 9 there. this got me thinking: what is going on with the world? why are we constantly becoming more and more isolated? in the movie i was watching, the guy and girl were having a conversation about if the world was becoming better or if the world were really as sucky as everyone thinks it is. the guy said it was getting better, the girl said it was getting worse. and as i thought about it, i wondered where i fit. was i a hopeful, Jesus-loving optimist, constantly reminding myself that the best was yet to come OR was i the one holding people down, making them deal with things they don't like and making them listen to ugly things and facts about the world? i think i go back and forth, but really, this all goes back to L.A. a year and a half ago. then, i was thinking like a winsome optimist, full of hope and everything. now, i'm not so sure. i want to believe that so much but after sitting in a theater by myself with 8 other people who were just as alone as me, i wonder. sorry for going off a bit, but i needed a little bit of flushing out of the head right now. there's much going on up there even if this post doesn't reflect just that. good night.

seminary orientation?

i don't know why, but whenever anything labeled "orientation" comes along, i tend to retreat into my psyche and avoid talking to most people. i try and avoid the conversations i'm so sick of having and for a day or so, attempt to go and learn and hear information from a bunch of older people who run the school, telling me about where not to park and what to do if my financial aid money drops out on me. i'm a cynic and have a very bad attitude as you can tell. however today, i think God was out trying to prove me wrong, again. as the 10 hour was creeping up on me, and another meeting was bleeding painfully into the next (overly dramatic? yes, i am. thank you for noticing), i began to let go of my stiff, stare-at-the-wall-and-act-like-you-don't-see-this-other-seminarian-guy-looking-at-you-and-wanting-to-talk attitude and let up. the guy's name was mark and he was about 32 years old and wants to be a bible teacher. as we got to talking over a quick dinner, i realized this guy mark was one of those, "hey brother, that's great!" kind of guys and my skepticism quickly sunk in. then came my cynicism and then, of course, my critical spirit. but oddly enough, i could not not like this guy. he was one of those sincere people who hung on every word you said and always seemed to respond with "wow, our God is amazing, isn't he Neville." granted, we just met 3 minutes ago, so it struck me a little odd that we were already on first-name speaking terms. the conversations went back and forth and slowly but surely, mark got to me. by the end, i started to actually really want to know what was going on in his life. normally, i would look at a person like this and have a field day in my mind as to how too perfect they really are. yet today, as i said, i think God was getting a little sick of me acting all high and mighty and decided to throw someone who heard me and listened to me as if we had known each other for years. i normally don't like that type of approach from people i've just met, but tonight, i didn't seem to mind it.

before i knew it, i was talking to the entire table and mark seemed to have brought the other me out in the open for the first time. i was laughing and finally having a good time. call me cheesy or crazy but i was. the last hour and a half of this 12 hour+ day filled with meeting after meeting couldn't have ended more perfectly. so now, i guess i'm not completely down on orientation days. even though i still think they create some of the most awkward moments in the world. maybe that's a blessing though. i don't know. good night brothers (and sisters).

encountering the forever happy person.

you ever talk to someone who no matter what you say, seems to find something positive about it? for instance, i've been having some real problems with two fillings i got a few weeks ago at the dentist and when relaying this to a dentist receptionist out here she seemed to hear only good things. "oh you found out why your teeth have been hurting for so long and why they will hurt for 6 months more?--that's great!" the dentist receptionist said.

i was confused. what was great about finding out that you won't be able to use your back teeth to chew food for the next 6 months. "at least now you know and you can get better, day by day!" the dentist receptionist said again. to this, i had no clue what to say. i stopped in mid-sentence and couldn't come up with any response. "just know that every day it's gonna get better, until one day you'll be back to normal." the dentist receptionist intervened again. i was close to fury. here i was, trying to communicate my problem to her and the office, reporting back to them so they could better assist me and possibly see me again (i went in yesterday and the dentist here told me to ask my dentist back home about some filling etching used b/c that might be the cause of my pain and discomfort). however, this woman was acting as if i just called to say the pain was gone! no, the pain is not gone. it's still exists. just b/c now i know why it exists doesn't mean we act as if the problem is solved. it's like going to the hospital after getting shot and having a nurse tell you "you've been shot and that's why your hurting!" it's just not the answer or response your looking for. you want them to try and fix the wound not gloat over it and dress it up to sound as if it's self-fixing. i know the human body is a wonderful and powerful thing and can heal itself amazingly with its complex immune system and what not. however, when a human being has intervened with this system and caused the problem, it's not like it's easy for the body to respond with, "okay, so there's this acid filling etching stuff in me---we'll just flush it out." no, it sometimes takes a little work on behalf of the medical / dental staff of the world.

half of this doesn't make sense, but if any part of it does, i'll be happy. it just blows me away sometime when you say something to someone and they smile, and act like they heard you but didn't process what was said. that just kills me. (okay, now i'm sounding like holden caufield...better stop now).

my hallmark moment.

i never thought this day would come but i guess i was reminded tonight how emotional of a guy i really am. i was watching the hallmark hall of fame movie tonight--something i've never done before--and whenever a commercial break comes, there is always at least one or more very long hallmark commercial / mini-movies, wanting to tug at the heart of any person sappy enough to watch it. well, i was making fun of these commercial short films until one, surprisingly, caught me off guard. it was about a little boy who is a good friend to a boy at school who really doesn't have any other friends and he comes home one day with a teacher's card in his backpack. his mother is skeptical and asks what it's all about and has he tells her (fine acting on the part of this little 8 year old boy) i found myself being pulled in--minute by minute--into this little boy's innocent, yet kind world. right before it was done and as the mom was reading the card from the teacher about her near-perfect son, i felt that tiny touch and tingle on the indside and knew that i was temporarily a big sucker. i laughed out loud--with a partial tear forming i'm ashamed to say--amazed at how a commercial could do such a thing to a person (but granted, it was about 3 minutes long--so not your normal commercial). however, i think this laugh was just a cover-up to not let mrs. guge know that it really had gotten to me. after it was over, i turned to her and said, "wow--can you believe that?" she was just as touched as I, and then, for a moment i didn't feel so stupid after all. maybe after 22 years of being a kid and never yet a parent, i've tasted a little bit of what parents must feel when their kids do great things. it's indescribable but i just wanted to confess that i am now one of those people who shamefully must admit that i was about to cry after watching a hallmark commercial. oh what california is doing to me. good night.

driving into beauty and music.

i'm here...finally. l.a. is wonderful so far (it's my first full day here, so what else can I say?). i got in much later than expected last night at midnight and i'm doing well although my little honda friend is a bit sick from the few-day trip. i'll be taking him in to see dr. mechanic sometime soon b/c he had one too many temperatures on the highway while we were driving. it scared me a bit, and every time i saw the temp. rise and almost enter the red zone, i would panic and want to just pull over and let him cool down a bit. oh well. hopefully he'll be doing better soon. if you want to hear the full story, you'll have to speak with me in person. there were other things that went wrong too. oh, brother!

anyways, driving across the country is something every person needs to do at least once. especially those die-hard, pro-squared, go-go American nuts who clapped in their easy chair at home every time a medal was won a few weeks ago. my advice to you all: how can you love your country so much if you haven't seen more than two states of it? eek...i think there was a bit of really bad english in that sentence, but maybe that fits the question and to whom it was directed at. anyways, people need to see the country on the road. i wish sometimes that planes hadn't been invented b/c then, people would be forced into land travel. i also wish that people would cut the "you drove all that way by yourself?" questioning toward me out. yes, i drove all that. no, actually, it wasn't bad, i loved almost ever minute of it (except for the mintues honda was hurting---see comments above). i loved being alone and the feeling of not being alone that came with being surrounded by creation. i loved picturing and imagining what it must have been like to be on those horses riding out west to search for land, gold, or something more. i loved seeing the sun set behind a mountain right in front of me. there were many other things, but these were a few. i listened to books on tape one day and to music the next. both were enjoyable but with music, it was weird to see how much it dictated my mood. i was listening to one of shorb's cds (can't remember the artist) at one point and while the music was so beautiful and i kept one song on repeat for about 30 minutes, i couldn't help but notice how sad i was. the song seemed to open this up in me and while i'm not blaming the song, i am saying that music has much more power than we give it credit. every since mid-july, i've been thinking about listening and hearing and how maybe, losing the ability to hear would in fact be worse than being blind (i used to think the opposite). on days like last night, i think it would be worse b/c nothing in my life seems to give me as much inner buzz as the sound of a really good song, waiting to be heard.

"My heart, which is so full to overflowing, has often been solaced and refreshed by music when sick and weary." -Martin Luther

on the way to l.a.

i'm a little over the halfway point and already i'm feeling weird. i started out yesterday officially from Taylor and after some car trouble and 19+ hours of being in the car alone, i arrived in colorado springs. i've never been here before and since today is kind of an in-between relax/refuel from yesterday's drive, i think i might go out and explore a bit. i saw pike's peak for the first time ever earlier this morning and it was beautiful to say the least. i'm staying with joe and cheryl (taylor grads now married) and they live in one of the beautiful subdivision/neighborhoods here. in some ways, here reminds me of san francisco where the layered land and houses built so close together make the city look like a packed out rummage sale of houses that look similar to one another.

seeing taylor was good, although didn't feel quite the same. when i arrived i immediatly felt out of place. my mood fluxuated throughout the weekend from melancholy to happy and from sad to anxious, and all the while i kept thinking about how fast my time there went. i wish i could've been with people more (throughout my 4 taylor years), especially those who i got to know better senior year. like the feeling i had when i went to l.a., i think i was a little bit upset with God for giving me such wonderful friendships and blessing me with new ones in the last few months b/c he knew and I knew that i would've have to leave them. but maybe in the coming years, wherever work will end up taking me, i'll be near friends and everything might be the same. i wonder how much time is spent on being lonely or feeling depressed after experiences with people and friends. i know they're worth the pain that eventually comes after break-ups like graduating from college, but i wonder how much this hurts our new part of life when we start it without them. i know it sounds like i'm being a bit hopeless and complaining too much but this is where i am now. we all need to be loved and feel loved, yet, contrary to some church teaching, i don't think just saying that "God loves me and that's enough," really does it. call me a heretic, but i/m finding it hard to understand how people can think or know or feel God's love and say that is enough when they've never been loved by anyone else (friends, family, etc.). this is probably coming off different than i want it to, so i'll just stop now. i'll talk to you again once in L.A.

"you're so vain, you probably think this blog is about you."

these words i utter to my car, after hearing this janet jackson cover of a joni mitchell classic. yes, i said that right---to my car. i was driving home tonight from grand rapids after my last official evening with three of my siblings and a brother-in-law and was thinking of how much i've grown to really care for my car. now, don't write me off as idoling just yet...let me try to explain b/c i think it's a good thing to learn. with the car i now drive, i used to think it was flashy and too good for me when i first started driving it regularly in january of 2003. after all it was my dad's car and i was used to the 1990' junkers that i had been driving since i got my license. there was always an element of pride i felt in driving those junkees, and i can't exactly say why. maybe i felt it said of me, "yeah, i drive this piece of crap and that's okay with me b/c i'm not my car!." however, once my current 96' honda accord was given to me by my dad (still his car, i just drive it and say it's mine) i felt this front as 'junkee driver' simply wouldn't fit anymore. now though, i'm beginning to feel closer to this car than i should. it's just sunk in for good that this is now my car and it's coming with me to L.A. once again. it was there for me the first time around and it's here for me again. i dare not say i love my car, but if there was ever an appropriate time to say those three beautiful words to it, i'd have to say this is the moment where i give in, confess and speak the inevitable. i think it's b/c i see my car as a person who listens to me all the time, even when i don't speak. he's always trying to get me places even when i force him to get me there quicker than he likes to go. it really is a scary thing when you start to believe your car has a personality but i'm starting to think this. it's all up there--in my imagination--and i'd like to feel as though i know my car perhaps better than a few married people know their spouses. maybe b/c we're both getting older and as i go through stages of life, my little honda is going through his. he needs more flushes, more tune-ups and quicker oil refils as i do, but in more human terms.

i'm sure many reading are wondering just what i was smoking while dreaming this whole blog post up, but i'm begging you, it really does make sense in my head. i was thinking about it while driving and thought, 'i should write this down--even though it sounds a little loony.' so here i am, writing down another loony idea that actually makes me think i'm a little more human. i know, i'm weird--it's okay, you can think it. and on that note, i'd like to paraphrase lester burnham, from 'american beauty' when he responds to his wife's laughing demand:

"Oh Lester, (laugh-laugh, giggle-giggle) don't be weird!!"......"Fine honey, i won't be weird. I'll be whatever it is you want me to be."

he was being sarcastic and so was i. and to all of you who know what i mean by this whole post, i thank you very much.